Glimpses 5

Yet another glimpse into my over-analytical mind....

Okay, so it’s that time of the month and a certain someone has been on my mind a lot. I can’t do this. I’m already emotionally involved. I can pretend that I’m fine, but the truth is that I’m not. I have to stop hoping because I become sucked into my own fantasy. I’m starting to get angry, and can’t allow that to happen. So, I have to disassociate myself.

He just called me, but by the time I answered he was gone. So I called him right back and he didn’t answer. I don’t get it…..the thing is, it’s not the first time this has happened. So ….?

I can’t handle this right now. I have so many things that I am trying to accomplish. But what will it take for me to truly just see him as a friend? Every time I think that I get to that point, something happens or is said, and I am once again pulled in.

Tonight another friend called me – he’s really cool and I like him, but the truth is that he’s not SDA and I don’t even want to go there…why waste my time? But why put all my hopes and expectations on someone who doesn’t want me back?

I’m always talking about not playing myself, and respecting myself and setting boundaries, et cetera. But this seems to be so difficult in regards to him. I trust him implicitly, and at the same time don’t trust him at all. I know that doesn’t even make any sense, but its how I feel.

(I had to take somethings out..... I can't let all my business out there!)

As far I’m concerned right now, nothing is going on between us. We had a kiss, and I don’t regret it, but he’s already said that there’s nothing more. So why am I constantly hoping?

It’s extremely frustrating. But mostly because I’m not praying about it as much or trusting God to do His thing. Hmmmm…how can I write about something I can’t even do?

Question is, what can I do to make myself feel better? And not feel like his own personal yo-yo? I already rarely call him….and I’m not going to cut him off totally – he hasn’t done anything. Which is exactly the problem. Why continue this charade? It’s almost like we both started something that we know can’t go anywhere right now. So what’s the point?

And the really funny thing is that I longed for something like this to happen. And now that God finally answered my prayer, I realized that there was a reason it didn’t happen before. I hate saying this, but I already feel as though I am half-way in love with him. Lol….me saying “in love”. But I can’t think of any other way to state it….i’ve loved him for a while…I mean we’re friends…but now the whole romantic aspect is screwing up my perspective. It causes me to be more selfish and sensitive.

He sucks!!! (Sigh)…no he doesn’t….but I swear he planned it! why? And when did it start for him? There are so many things I’d like to ask, but I don’t even want to go there because it will take things to another level! I just need to relax and “free my mind”….lol…easier said than done….i’m exhausted.