Snowmobiling

These long hiatuses from blogging have become something of a habit. My only excuse is that life in general has been so extremely busy that I barely have time to sleep, much less blog.

Basically, for those of you who don’t know I am in the process of applying for law school. For the past two months I was totally preoccupied with studying for the LSAT, and now that I’ve received my scores (disappointing at best) I am trying to finish all my apps before the first….which is only a couple of days away….

However, I’ve managed to have a GREAT Christmas!! It was the very first time I didn’t spend it with family, but my ex-roomie, who also happens to be my best friend’s cousin and her sister, came out. We went snowmobiling! It was cold, but a lot of fun. We went across the Continental Divide – and incidentally almost flipped over a couple times – but had a blast.

Give it try if you haven’t already. Goodness….I’m so tired I can hardly muster up anymore enthusiasm to write.

Anywho, have a fabulous New Year’s!!

When a Man Loves a Women

I took a crazy road trip this weekend. Left home at 6pm Friday night, got into Huntsville, Alabama around 1pm the next day. Took a shower ran some errands and rested for a couple hours. Proceeded to drive to Chattanooga, Tennessee, got back to Huntsville around 1230am Sunday morning. Slept. Woke up around 8am and left for Colorado again. Made it back at 5am Monday morning. My friend slept for a couple hours and headed to work, while I slept in.

Anyway, since we had such a ridiculously long trip, we had ample time to talk. And one of the things we discussed were men, their egos, and what it means for a woman. We both realized that we had valid trust issues because of the behavior of men in our lives.

Now I realize that it’s very simplistic to say that all men have fragile egos and only think with “one head” so to say. But, I think what is most important is that men tend to be extremely sensitive. More so than women. Yes, we may cry more and talk about our feelings. But, men find validation in women making them “feel like a man” or in constant affirmation. I know. I’m making a huge generalization, but think about it.

It’s easy to say that all men want is sex, etc. But the truth is, it’s not necessarily the sex per se that’s driving them. It’s the feeling that is associated with the sex. How many times have guys gotten into relationships with absolutely crazy women because of how that particular girl made them feel? Or why do men cheat on their wives? Because they no longer feel like “the man” at home. The list goes on. But it all boils down to one thing: Most men need to FEEL affirmed. Period.

So, here’s the problem. You know you love your man. Respect him, etc. However, you don’t always feel like you have to express it. Do it ladies. If you don’t I’m sure someone else will. And depending on the current tone of your relationship, it could be a reason for leaving you. I hate to sound so dire. But reality is that relationships take work and that men really are the “weaker sex”. Lol...at least emotionally. Give him what he needs or he just might find it somewhere else.

Thought anyone?

Too Many to Juggle

Alright, I know that if you’re one of my friends, girls in particular, you’ve heard me lament about the recyclable Adventist male. Well, I have to briefly mention it again.

Our circle is so incredibly small that you cannot date someone without previous baggage of someone else whom you more than likely know. Okay, a bit wordy, but basically we’re all connected in some way or another. One of your friends are friends with so and so, who are best friends with so and so…..blah, blah, blah… Especially if you were born and raised, went to our schools.

It’s annoying!!! Plus, these dudes are relatively stupid and forget that if they are all connected so are we….hellooo? You’re a so-called “professional” and forget that wherever you are in an Adventist circle someone there knows someone else who probably knows the girl you’re dating….!

You can’t try to date two girls at the same time. Duh! Oh, and don’t let me talk about the dude who dated one of my friends, then another, and then tried to “holla” at me! Lol…what a moron….

Quite frankly, you’re all idiots. I pray to God that I don’t end up with someone from this immature circle. I finally have realized that they typically don’t mature until, I don’t know, mid-thirties????? Beyond????

I refuse to be one of those girls who end up dating everyone in the same circle and then are left confused and discouraged when none of those guys want to commit.

And because I know there are a few of you (literally) who fit this category, I will say that if you’re reading this you are probably not one of the jerks I’m talking about. At least I hope not :O).

The Bachelor of Idiocy

Has anyone else been watching The Bachelor?

So I admit, it's totally unlike me to get into reality TV...but as circumstances has it my best friend is hooked - so I naturally watch and sometimes get sucked in. This was one of those times.

I only saw about 4 episodes, and not even the total finale, but let me tell you - I was heated! Jennifer over Sadie!!!????? I hate to repeat myself, but are you kidding me? Or better yet, for all those other Grey's fans - "Seriously?"

It was quite obvious that Sadie was the better choice. Not only was she prettier, sweeter, and much more elegant than Jennifer (blah), but their personalities seemed to mesh sooooo much more.

And did you see how she handled herself when he turned her down? You know he was kicking himself mentally for making a moronically stupid decision.

But then, a lightbulb went off. Two actually.

First, did you see his ghetto fabulous - "I'm from Brooklyn", big haired Mother? Sadie was clearly too good for that family...lol....

But the real breakthrough came when I remembered that he and Jennifer had sex....hmmmm.....and that he's a dude....

nuff said...

Seinfeld's Racist Jew

Okay, so clearly I’ve been more than out of the loop. The Kramer tirade????!!!! And he had the nerve to say he didn’t know where that came from? Are you kidding me?!! The vitriolic language that he used spewed from somewhere inside him. It wasn’t a simple “F*ck you n*gger”. Saying that 50 years ago the man would be lynched with a fork up his @**!!!!!!

Hellooooooo????!!!

And there are still some completely ignorant people who seem puzzled that racism still exists! Ignorance is absolutely ridiculous. Don’t get me started on Borat….

If you want to see the article and tape it’s here on this link:

http://www.tmz.com/2006/11/20/kramers-racist-tirade-caught-on-tape/

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Okay...so, I have A LOT to catch up on...but I'll start off with this... One of my friends from Atlanta came in for Thanksgiving...since then the we've been acting up!

Long story short, I was invited to a poetry/open mic session Saturday night and went with 3 other of my girls...we get there, mingle a bit, I read my poem (Unrequited Love!), then about half-way through my friends get antsy. One is playing tetris while someone's reading and the other is texting constantly...both of them have a touch of ADHD and absolutely NO broughtupcy...lol...(trini term for misbehaving)...

Anyway, I decided it was probably time to go...so we said our goodbyes to the hostess and moved out. Well, my girl from Atlanta had to use the bathroom, so we went in to wait for her. (sigh) And that's were it got ridiculous....

One of my other friends decided to start singing (in her best country-western voice) "I believe the children are our future".... So, who doesn't love Whitney Houston??? We all chimed in - loudly, and utterly obnoxiously. Just picture 4 girls (I can't say women!) in front of the bathroom mirror, dancing like hooligans and screaming our lungs out to the Greatest Love of All!

Oh, did I mention the entire song???? Well, as our last note died down, the bathroom door opened. And....the open mic/poetry host and mc told us that they could hear us, and I quote, "loud and clear", aaaaand that we were disrupting the poetry reading! LOL...!!!

We were sooooooo embarrassed that we literally ran out the bathroom, down the hall, to our car, laughing and giggling all the way. Mortified and appalled! Knowing that we could never show our faces there again....

Then we went out and had more fun...but I'll leave that for another post...

Oh - and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

NBA All-Star Weekend 2007

We're going to Vegas baby!!!!! Okay, so slightly uncharecteristic language and tone - but it's true!!! I was trying to think of what to do for my birthday (the big 25) and I realized that All-Star Weekend is the weekend before....not only is it a three-day weekend (President's Day I think), Valentine Day weekend, but also two of my guys bdays are that Thursday as well. Plus, it's close enough that my fam and friends from Cali can drive up. :OP

Absolutely perfect.

Well, except for the fact that everyone else and their momma can drive up too....I already had a mini-heart attack thinking about who is planning on going...so get this - one of boys was telling me how all of his friends were trying to come out. Thing is - he and "his boys" were all ex-something or the other of me and "my girls"....lol...needless to say it could make for an very interesting weekend.

Unfortunately for me, and luckily for him though, two of my girls aren't going to be able to make it....(sigh) ce'st la vie....right? Lol....I don't speak a word of French....but you get my gist...

We have our tickets, rental and hotel already booked! Everything, and I mean everything was basically booked solid. But we finally found something on the strip that wasn't The Tropicana! I am going to have a fabulous time (while trying not to bump into anyone I don't want to see)....I have three months to get it together....lol...

Warning: Ensuing Chaos

I put this together a couple months ago....clearly you can tell that I had a lot going on....it's just a rambled and totally random assortment of words that makes perfect sense to me....

Opaque, green, tallow, burnt, dichotomy, economical with the truth, fear, acrid, trust, faith, falling, tumbling, crumbled, torn, lost, pressing, aiming, failing, extinct, passion, thorns, palm trees, wind, pathetically clinging, releasing, racing, screaming, rage, dark, menacing, fusion, biting, furor, asinine, tumultuous, circling, vultures, carnage, wreckage, destruction, desolation, absence of life, new, unique, fresh, free, emerging, unfolding, soaring, high, plummeting, death, mindlessness, nothingness, peace

The Times They are A-Changin'...(hopefully...)

Well, if you haven't been watching TV, listening to your radio, or talking to other people - it's official: the Dems have taken control of Congress! Thanks largely in part to my party - the Independents (ha, and nobody thought we were important).

I was avidly watching the news, hoping in my heart that the American people were smarter, or at least exhausted by the current party (aka Bushies).

Plus, I was suffering from immense guilt - seeing as I didn't actually vote....I know.... :O( BUT, before you jump all over me for being totally unpatriotic and leaving the outcome to chance, I do have a perfectly good excuse....

Well, for those of you who don't know I recently moved back to Colorado from Florida some months ago. Thing is, I still have a Florida license...I was planning to change it, but thankfully I was reminded that I may have an outstanding speeding ticket in that state (running late for work). So, I was and still am a little scared about going into the DMV and having them snatch my driving license away with their grubby bureaucracy nonsense...and I wasn't trying to do that absentee ballot thingy.... Thus, I didn't vote.

If you find a bit of flawed reasoning in my argument - too bad. That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it...Anyway, it's about time we have a semblance of democracy again - checks and balances, etc...Hopefully, the Dems won't screw it up...

Four Things About Me

Okay, so I got this from my cuz ages ago, but never put it up...so here it is....just a few more interesting things about fabulous me!

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1) TA in high school
2) Waitress at a seafood restaurant
3) Supervisor at a County Health Department
4) Business owner / administrator (I get to sign checks :OP)

Four Movies I have watched over and over:
1) Pride and Prejudice (Colin Firth is the only Darcy)
2) Rodger and Hammerstein’s Cinderella (original with Leslie Ann Warren and Brandy
version)
3) The Opposite Sex
4) Brown Sugar

Four places I have lived: (okay – six)
1) New York City (yay!)
2) Guatemala
3) Alabama
4) California
5) Colorado
6) Trinidad

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1) Grey’s Anatomy!!!
2) Grey’s Anatomy!!!
3) Grey’s Anatomy!!!
4) Grey’s Anatomy!!!

Four places I have been on vacation:
1) Most recently Antigua, W.I.
2) Spain
3) England
4) Kenya

Four of my favorite foods:
1) Almost anything Mexican
2) Almost anything Italian
3) Curry and roti Trini style!
4) Callaloo from Sugarcane

Four places I would rather be right now:
1) lol….ummm…London
2) Barcelona
3) Chicago
4) New York

Yearning

Lust. That insatiable passion that incinerates your mind and body. All-consuming desire that completely envelopes you and won’t let go. It’s uncontrollable. Hitting you at the most unexpected and often inappropriate times.

How do you deal with it? Release the incredible built up pressure? Especially if the object of your desire isn’t around. Sometimes I just want to grab some random person – but on further inspection that won’t do.

A random person can’t make me feel like ripping off his clothes. Touching. Caressing. Attacking. Feel greedy for that unquenchable thirst. It’s frustrating.

So here I am. Waiting.

New York, New York

I just came back from a wonderful trip to NYC! It was one of those great trips that take a week to recuperate from. My friend and I went for another friends 25th. We had a daily itinerary that we pretty much stuck too - food, Broadway, food, shopping, food, Empire State (took more than an hour to go up for 15 minutes!), food, the Underground, food....you get my drift...

I ate like food was going out of style! To top it off there was this wonderful restaurant/lounge in Brooklyn called "the sugarcane". (sigh) I need a moment of silence.

The food there was unexplainable through writing. It's a Trinidadian cuisine with callaloo to die for! I'm not a huge callaloo person. Used to hate it - the consistency, color, etc.... But I've since come to appreciate it. Let me tell you - ordering that side dish was the BEST decision I made. Needless to say, we went back twice over the weekend!

We saw a play called The Drowsy Chaperone, which was completely hilarious and shallow, and which my friends took a nap in....one was actually snoring for a bit....but it was okay, I could barely keep my eyes open - we partied hard the night before!

Hmmmm.....what else...? Did I mention eating? After the play we were supposed to meet up with some friends for dinner, but we had an hour and we were hungry - so we went to Junior's (known for its delicious cheesecakes) and had appetizers...then we went to eat....lol....

Anyway, to sum it all up - I had a GREAT time...now back to reality....

Off With Her ------!

So maybe, I'm completely shallow, vapid and lacking the creative outlook needed to appreciate this work of art. Perhaps I have metamorphed into a lazy viewer who only is pleased with a specific chain of events. Whatever the case - Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette was an utter waste of my money, and most importantly my time!

You know when you go into a movie with high expectations, and then end up being completely disappointed? Well, the disappointment quickly turns into annoyance and in some cases anger. Call me unrefined or immature. Frankly, I could care less. What I do care about is that I could of used those two hours of my life to finish cleaning my room!

Two hours of my life that I can never get back. Ever. So, if by chance you like I was, am anxious to see this movie. Take my advice and be prepared. It's long - quite ornate and glam - slow - and seems to be taking you somewhere until it abrubtly ends and leaves you wondering what just happened.

Honestly, I should of known that Jason Schwartzman or whatever his name is and Molly Shannon wouldn't appear in a movie that could be taken seriously. But that's the thing - it's not funny. At all. Plus, we got there early and people were still sitting in their seats watching the credits. Now I know that they were waiting for the last scene.....

(sigh) Okay. I'm done ranting....just thought you should know....

Needed: Maid

Alright. So, this isn't exactly rocket science, but I need serious help.

I cannot bring myself to clean my room! Don't laugh - I'm in dire need of counseling or something....it's almost been 3 months since it's really been clean. 3 MONTHS!!! And don't get the idea that I like it that way - cuz I don't. I hate it. However, I can't seem to work up the energy to do anything about it....3 months people....3!

By the way, the picture is NOT mine - actually mine is worse and lacking the wonderful teddy bear collection found here. They say that one's room is a manifestation of what's going on in one's life. I have no idea who "they" are - but I am clearly having issues.

Snow over Denver

I know it's been a while - I've been on a hiatus of sorts I guess....all types of things going on...but I'm back :OP.

Well, today marks the official day of winter or snowfall anyway, in Denver. But not surprisingly, it's not that bad outside. Nothing compared to New York, Chicago or Michigan! I can't wait for it to stop though - I don't actually enjoy driving in snow - but I am excited about snowboarding!!

Anyway, gotta go, but will continue with updates later...

An Ideal Husband

It's just a little after 3 in the morning - I'm supposed to be working, but instead just spent the last hour and a half watching the movie An Ideal Husband. It's offered as one of those free movies on Comcast, and I haven't seen it in years. So anyway, Rupert Everett is superb and totally makes me forget that he's gay.

It's these types of movies that screw up the female psyche. The "happily ever after ending", the heroine finally getting her reformed rake that every other female wants.... We all know the story. Is it surprising then that we grow up imagining that our own personal Prince Charming is coming to sweep us off our feet?

I do adore these movies and books, but they utterly taint reality and leave us disappointed when a man doesn't seem to fit this "ideal" mold. The ironic thing about this film is that it actually attempts to prove the fallibility of people. However, the ending totally eradicates any moves made in that direction. It's perfectly happy and leaves you with the impression that the couples will never encounter any other serious issues in their marriages.

Obviously, a highly naive and unlikely premise. Anyway, I've just realized that sometimes I have to make a conscious effort to not be overly influenced by these cinematic fairytales. Whaddya think?

Snakes on a Plane!!!!

So my sister is doing an informative speech on snakes, and the misconceptions that people have about them. She asked me for some help, and while I was looking up stuff I came across this adorable picture!!!

By the way, my sister owns three pythons - they're all very sweet. Their names are Miggy, Misty Yellow, and Snickers (mine :OP)....

Don't be scurrrred....!

You've Got to be Kidding ME!!

Ugggggh!!! This is not a cry of anger. It's more like a shriek of disgust!!! Have you ever found out something about someone that makes you literally sick? Like for real - I'm almost totally nauseated. Maybe revolted is a better word.

Needless to say, any modicum of interest I had in this person is completely eradicated.

Oh, by the way, I'm talking about that "Glimpses" guy. Goodness, I just got a chill thinking about it....anyway, for anyone wondering how I feel - this is it.

I'm irrevocably done.

Here's the last journal entry I wrote regarding him - there will be no more....


Glimpses 8

(laugh) who knows how long this will go on! I’ve had a very traumatizing experience this week, and it’s only by the grace of God that I escaped physically unscathed. And its got me seriously thinking about my emotional well-being – and whether or not I’m sooo lonely and desperate for company that I am willing to knowingly make bad decisions. I cried continually all the way home.

I was mad at myself and mad at him….which, incidentally makes no sense. But my reasoning was that if something had happened – he wouldn’t even care. I called him a week ago and asked him to call me when he got a moment, and I have yet to hear from him. Basically, it solidified the fact that he doesn’t care about me. And frankly, I don’t even want to talk about the different levels of feelings – I know that he cares on some small level – but nothing serious enough to check up on me knowing that its been hard.

I can’t rely on him – God forbid that something came up and I needed him – basically, I’d be stranded. I’m really trying to be done making these rash and silly (stupid) decisions based upon my feelings. Obviously, actions speak louder than words – and his actions are glaringly telling me to back off – he’s not interested. Fine. It’s time I grow up and stop fantasizing about someone who doesn’t care about me.

Glimpses 6 & 7!

Alright - it's been a while since I've put up any of my journal entries - so, since 6 is so short, I'm posting 7 too!

6....
Well, I’m finally getting to a good place again. Lol….it’s also that time of the month again! But I’m really getting to the point where I can view him as another one of my guy friends. And right now I am really caught up in my own career choices.

For some reason, I just abhor being in Colorado. And its not even that I can’t make the best of it – I can. But, I don’t want to….I have no desire to do anything that causes me to commit more time to this place.


7....
This has been a loooong and extremely interesting journey. Again, just reading my past updates on this situation is hilarious! No wonder I was stressing out….Anyway, I had to start this one differently from that wonderful “okay” I used previously. However, for this continuation I just have to say that I’m good. I’ve finally allowed myself to stop stressing the situation and just be – without expectations or unrequited longings! Hmmm….that’s probably not very clear, but I have other things on my mind right now…

Everyone always says this, but it is soooo amazing how God brings you through the toughest moments. I have not yet taken the time to transfer my journal from Guate onto this, but in my darkest hours God has always been there. Today, ----------, marks exactly two months and a couple of days since I have relocated and started a new job. Incidentally, I live in the boondocks! So, that word is kinda funny – but I really do…..it’s been a hard adjustment. I have days were I am wonderfully up and then others when I just miss my family and friends – and wonder why I’m here in the first place….Thankfully, I believe that I have found a church fam…

Adios Sra. Rigoberta...

Okay. I lied. You know that PeaceJam thing I'm supposed to go today? Well, barely can one minute pass where I'm not sneezing or coughing uncontrollably - so much so that my chest burns. :O(

Yes, it's official - I have the flu. How the ------ did that happen? I'll tell you.

Remember that I said that my bf was sick? Well, to top off the absolutely crazy week I've had - Friday night we had to take my grandmom to the emergency room. Her glucose levels were dropping and she was having these scary "episodes" where she was flailing about and talking incoherently. Needless to say, we took her in around 9pm and didn't get home till 10am the next morning. I'd totally say it was a nosocomial infection, but my resistance was already low - I was already exposed, and utterly exhausted.

Consequently, I'm a mess. I've taken every conceivable medication that exists - ran the whole gamut of sneezy, stuffy, itchy, night time medicine, but thus far - to no avail.

Adios, Rigoberta Menchu Tum...véale la vez próxima su adentro ciudad....

PeaceJam 2006

Guess what?!?!?!?! I was driving in my car listening to NPR (an absolutlely fabulous station) and heard that tomorrow kicks off the 10th Annual PeaceJam Conference! "The what?" - you ask. The ONLY conference outside of Oslo, Norway where Nobel Peace Prize Laureautes gather to empower and encourage the youth of the world....and take a wild guess where it is......????

DENVER!!!!!!! Yay, yay, and yay again!!!

Okay, so not only will the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu be here, but also 6 of the 12 women laureates will be speaking - including RIGOBERTA MENCHU TUM from Guatemala - and I'm going!!!!

Where are my human rights people when I need them?????

Responsibility is a .......

(huge sigh) Anyone who knows me well, knows that I abhor responsibility. I love my freedom. I adore the feeling that I can go wherever I want, or just not talk to people for a while. I embrace the belief that "the world is my oyster" and that the possibilities are endless.

Unfortunately, I am currently in a state where RESPONSIBILITY is weighing me down. Not only do I have till tomorrow to catch up on four months of acccounting for our company (which I only learned about yesterday!), but the first half of my day was already spent taking my grandmother to her doctor's appt (where she got a bp machine hooked up to her for the next 24 hrs that I have to monitor very closely), my mom is laid up for at least another week (she just got out of surgery yesterday), my dad just found out that he has severe sleep apnea and is wearing some odd machine to monitor his patterns, and my bf is extremely sick as well! Add taking care of payroll, finishing and submitting the billing, and listening to employees concerns - and you kinda get the picture.

So, basically - I don't even have time to write this....Funny thing is - I feel completely apathetic....

Being Me

Tonight I got the following comment regarding my journal entries:

yo being you and dealing with your mind is freaking crazy. Don't let any guy who wants to date you read this or they will go crazy to see how your brain works. Women like you are just .......

:OP First off, I had to laugh. But then I thought about it. It’s odd. On one hand I feel as though I’ve been personally attacked and want to defend myself, and on the other hand I don’t feel that I even need to explain. Hmmm…let me start by saying this – whatever MAN I date would probably know me enough not to be intimidated by me or how my mind works. :O)

Secondly, these were written over a year ago. If I was still feeling this way or even completely thinking this way, I definitely wouldn’t have had the guts to put it on the internet! I will say again though, the majority of women that I know can empathize at one time or another. Why do you think we spend hours on the phone discussing the opposite sex? We are constantly poring over “what he could have meant by using that phrase” and does he treat all women that way or am I special?” Clearly, some may see it as useless – but we bond over things like this.

Do you have any idea of the number of calls or emails I’ve received from other women regarding these posts? Usually in the vein of “I feel the same way, but I can’t believe you put it on your blog!”

So, once again “Anon” – we are completely unique and special! If you are a guy, I hope you learn something about women – other than trying to stay away from ones like me…!

Glimpses 5

Yet another glimpse into my over-analytical mind....

Okay, so it’s that time of the month and a certain someone has been on my mind a lot. I can’t do this. I’m already emotionally involved. I can pretend that I’m fine, but the truth is that I’m not. I have to stop hoping because I become sucked into my own fantasy. I’m starting to get angry, and can’t allow that to happen. So, I have to disassociate myself.

He just called me, but by the time I answered he was gone. So I called him right back and he didn’t answer. I don’t get it…..the thing is, it’s not the first time this has happened. So ….?

I can’t handle this right now. I have so many things that I am trying to accomplish. But what will it take for me to truly just see him as a friend? Every time I think that I get to that point, something happens or is said, and I am once again pulled in.

Tonight another friend called me – he’s really cool and I like him, but the truth is that he’s not SDA and I don’t even want to go there…why waste my time? But why put all my hopes and expectations on someone who doesn’t want me back?

I’m always talking about not playing myself, and respecting myself and setting boundaries, et cetera. But this seems to be so difficult in regards to him. I trust him implicitly, and at the same time don’t trust him at all. I know that doesn’t even make any sense, but its how I feel.

(I had to take somethings out..... I can't let all my business out there!)

As far I’m concerned right now, nothing is going on between us. We had a kiss, and I don’t regret it, but he’s already said that there’s nothing more. So why am I constantly hoping?

It’s extremely frustrating. But mostly because I’m not praying about it as much or trusting God to do His thing. Hmmmm…how can I write about something I can’t even do?

Question is, what can I do to make myself feel better? And not feel like his own personal yo-yo? I already rarely call him….and I’m not going to cut him off totally – he hasn’t done anything. Which is exactly the problem. Why continue this charade? It’s almost like we both started something that we know can’t go anywhere right now. So what’s the point?

And the really funny thing is that I longed for something like this to happen. And now that God finally answered my prayer, I realized that there was a reason it didn’t happen before. I hate saying this, but I already feel as though I am half-way in love with him. Lol….me saying “in love”. But I can’t think of any other way to state it….i’ve loved him for a while…I mean we’re friends…but now the whole romantic aspect is screwing up my perspective. It causes me to be more selfish and sensitive.

He sucks!!! (Sigh)…no he doesn’t….but I swear he planned it! why? And when did it start for him? There are so many things I’d like to ask, but I don’t even want to go there because it will take things to another level! I just need to relax and “free my mind”….lol…easier said than done….i’m exhausted.

Glimpses 4

Alrighty, I'm going to continue with the Journaling....this one is a bit long as well...happy reading!

Okay, so this is about the same dude from before. Thing is, I was about to write him off and then he called. Isn’t that how it always is? There’s a lot more to the story, but I don’t want to get into everything now.

Problem is, instead of controlling where this is or isn’t going – I’ve given him complete control. My mom says that I need to figure out what I need to gain back control of the situation, but the truth is – I don’t know exactly what that would be.

I mean, honestly – both of us already stated that a relationship at this point would be out of the question. The only thing is that we said that before the kiss. Hmmm…but other than that nothing’s really changed has it? lol…that’s my problem. For me and my ego I would definitely expect a change! But, the reality of the situation is that I still have many, many things I need to figure out on my own – outside of a relationship.

Yet, my feelings for him are still there. Again, I see the wonderful potential, and am not quite sure how to balance the friendship without the romance…. Quite frankly, I’ve never had to before. So, the question is – do I just stop talking to him altogether, or do I continue and do away with any feelings I had?

I guess one of my biggest problems is that if only a kiss happened I could more easily brush it of, but the hand-holding and peck good night really got to me…. Plus, I already addressed it and he basically said “why does anything have to change?” Clearly, an answer that my ego has a hard time accepting.

I also know that part of the reason my interaction with him is different, is because I had him on this pedestal for such a long time that it’s still hard for me to treat him like I would any other guy. I mean I literally crushed on this guy for years! Knowing that he was physically attracted to me gave me an extra boost. Which of course is the problem….why shouldn’t he be attracted to me? I’m more than pretty special ;-) !

Do you see my dilemma? What do I need to gain back my control? And then again, have I truly lost my control? I know what I should do intellectually, and I do it for the most part, however, my feelings are definitely at war with my head. But when I share my feelings with my loved ones, and they give me the same advice my head gives me, I wonder if I don’t have as much control as I think I have?

Basically, I need to regain all of my emotions in regards to him. What is the worst that can happen at this point? He could say that he likes me as a friend, but is really not interested in anything more, and where would that leave me? I’ll be hurt and my ego will probably be crushed, but I’ll heal. As it is, I feel as though I’m in some sort of limbo stage. Almost as if I’m waiting for his next move. And the truth is that I can’t live like that.

But the fear of rejection haunts me constantly. I’ve never really had to guess at whether or not a guy liked me. LOL – with the exception of his cousin, I’ve always been in control. Which, of course, is another problem. My mom tried talking to me about my father and their relationship, but the truth is, it’s not really applicable to this situation. She didn’t even like him, and was in no way attracted to him. So of course she could be nonchalant and in control.

Plus, we’re not even in the same state. It’s not like I can even do anything about it, but not call him. And that I can do. Even if I have to erase his number sometimes….! But honestly, the desire has gotten less and less….I have thought about him, especially if someone was to bring him up, but I’ve been okay. I have a focus now and some specific quantifiable goals in place.

And though I dislike (hate) talking about how everything will be okay in the future, I know once I start school, I’ll be in an even better place.

Letting Go

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ~ Philippians 4:6

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want in life, where I want to be, who I want to be with, etc.... And it has become increasingly clear that the reason I don't seem to be satisfied is because I have not truly surrendered to God. I'm still trying to control everything. So, among other things I'm taking a dating hiatus - no men till my 25th bday. I've finally realized that I'm not ready for the man I want God to send my way. I'm so incredibly far from where I ought to be - the only Man in my life right now needs to (be) Christ. Once I'm right with Him, everything else will fall into place.

I'm tired of being a mediocre Christian - one who consciously or subconsciously pats herself on the back for being a relatively "good" person. I'm a mess - spiritually, emotionally, and physically. A friend prayed that God would heal the brokenness - and now I'm echoing it.

Encouraging Words

A friend sent an email to me in response to some of my posts - and it is definitely a blessing that I would like to share with you....I pulled out some of it, hopefully she won't mind :OP!

I've realized how controlling I am of my future and plans for school and work but God already knows our thoughts even before we think about it.

Something to ponder about...perhaps you wanting to move all the time and "plan" your career is God saying, "Be patient and still, so that you can hear my voice and know the plans that I have for You." I know that you had mentioned about staying in Denver for about 2 months...I know that things that happen in our lives aren't just coincidence and that they were all about God's timing. (i.e. -----------maybe God is using you in -------- lives and they really need you to be in Denver-whether you realize it or not). Who knows? I'm obviously not God but lately God has been teaching me a lot about living for today.

Verses that apply to me right now:
"There are different ways God works in our lives, but it is the same God who does the work through all of us." 1 Cor 12:6

"Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you." Joshua 3:5

"Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble and always be prayerful." Rom 12:12

"Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is." Roman 12:2

Glimpses 3

Hmmmm....as am reading these, I realize that they get more and more personal - on one hand its liberating, but on the other it feels slightly uncomfortable to be so open about my issues....However, I've made the committment to be real - so here goes....

Okay, me again…lol…patience is not an easy thing! I know that God has a plan in store for me, but lately he constantly occupies my thoughts…. I was talking to my mom about it today and she had a good point. She told me not to lie to myself…obviously, I should know this by now….

But, the truth is that I don’t know what I am going to end up doing career wise…. And right now I would be willing to move to see if there is a chance for this relationship to go somewhere…and that makes me feel just a little pathetic. When it comes down to it, I am pretty old-fashioned – so I won’t do anything unless he suggests it – but that would take it to another level. Sigh….and quite honestly, though I am not fully sure of what level of commitment I want, I am even more scared of where he is in his life.

The fact is that we have both talked about getting our lives in order before even considering a relationship. But now, the relationship has changed and so have my expectations. However, reality still remains – I need to figure out what I am doing with my life!! And he has a lot going on for him right now as well….so, I really have to be patient.

The funny thing is, while God has assured me every step of the way, I am afraid that he just might lose interest! Lol – I know….i guess the fact that I have liked him off and on for such a long time causes me to question ‘does he really like me?’ lol….some serious insecurity….

What Time of Day Are You (Stolen From Vixen)

You Are Sunset

Even though you still may be young, you already feel like you've accomplished a lot in life.And you feel free to pave your own path now, and you're not even sure where it will take you.Maybe you'll pursue higher education in a subject you enjoy - or travel the world for a few years.Either way, you approach life with a relaxed, open attitude. And that will take you far!

What Time Of Day Are You?

My Journey to Brazil

Okay -

I'm interrupting the "glimpses" for some exciting news!!!!! First of all, I'm in Portland for my friends wedding --- I get to wear a sari! Yeah! But, even more importantly ....da, da, da, dum ---- I got my very first brazillian!!! LOL - it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be - and I'm liking it more and more everyday.....ladies, I definitely recommend trying it at least one!!
Tthat's all....nighty, night....

Glimpses 2

The next installment...

You know, it’s really quite amazing the way that God answers prayers. Every time that I’ve had a question or concern I always receive an answer. Of course, the timing is usually not to my liking, but the response is always there. It’s always interesting to read something that I’ve written in the past, and see how things have turned out now…

In the doc. “My feelings and intellect…” I talk about wanting this guy to be attracted to me. Well, that prayers been answered! And now on to bigger problems…there’s always something else isn’t there…?

To be truthful, I don’t even feel like writing about it, suffice to say, God is in control. And I, who cannot see the future, am going to trust in Him, and allow Him to have His will carried out in my life (hopefully!)…

Glimpses into my Journal 1

Okay, this is for all of you who have wondered how my mind works. You are about to be priviliged! I got a new laptop (yay!) and transferred all my old files to my new and improved one...so, I was re-reading some stuff and came across about 8 or 9 entries titled "My feelings and intellect..."

Obviously, once you read them you'll know exactly what they're about....I'm gonna try to post one a day so that you're not overwhelmed - enjoy....

My feelings and intellect tell me that this is the one. However, I know that God has my best interests in mind…and that I may be wrong in my assumptions. For some reason though, I cannot seem to get him off my mind. It’s not even the fact that I think he’s everything I ever wanted, etc… There’s just that certainty that he and I would make a good team. Lol…problem is, I know how I feel about him, but have no idea about his feelings…. On one hand if he were anyone else, I would definitely say that there have been hints – problem is he’s not anyone else… I don’t know how to read his actions. Thus stated, I may just be inferring things because I want them to be there, and deceiving myself.

I know that he and I are friends – the extent of that though I can’t even say. And I definitely know that he enjoys my company – but, I want him to find me attractive! (smile) I have learned enough in my time to realize that I should not say anything – and I’m not going to make that mistake. At the same time because I have such strong feelings I have the tendency to mask them so well that I appear to have no feelings at all.

So, it’s a little precarious situation. Honestly, I know that a man knows what he wants, and when he’s ready he’ll make his move. And I also know that I desperately want him to want me, so that my emotions may not be a realistic or correct interpretation of our relationship….okay, the wording is odd, but the point is that I don’t want to appear to be like “other” girls. He’s always had women liking him, and having no problem showing him their feelings, but I never like to be compared to anyone else. It’s my pet peeve.

I have constantly been praying about the situation, and asking God to provide me peace and the ability to be comfortable around him. And it’s definitely gotten better, but another problem has erupted. The fact that everyone knows! Of course, this is my fault. I share too many complex relationships with his family….(smile) but it still is kinda annoying…plus, I know that people are talking, and who knows what he knows?!

My friends say that its just a matter of time – I already know his fam, etc…but I don’t want it to be a logical decision on his part per se – I just really want to know that he is attracted to me!! Is that so hard to ask!?!? It is really quite frustrating considering the fact that I tend to be so perceptive with other people, but cannot seem to read him at all! The other night he told me that I’m the one he calls the most – which of course makes me feel special, but is that just because I’m such a good friend?! (big sigh) I don’t know…thankfully, it’s all in God’s hands now….i just need to relax and let Him do His thing, ‘cause I can’t figure this guy out at all….

Ignorance and War

I actually wrote this some years ago - and thankfuly it seems that the tide is finally turning!!!! However, I still come across this mentality - especially in the South and Colorado....go figure.... The irritating thing is that you never (hardly ever) see the wealthy politicians children going to war - they're too smart to put their loved ones in harms way! But if you live beneath a certain socioeconomic level - they are quick to give you incentives --- school, etc....

One interesting fact to note - approximately 80% of the American public are ignorant about policies and political decisions - they vote based on whether or not someone is "charismatic" or looks good in a tie ----- and these are stats pre-Bush era....something to think about, especially since election season is starting....

It’s appears to be an obvious fact that governments manipulate their citizenry into fighting war for political and financial gain. To work towards that end, they habitually incite hate and fear into the general public and then tell them that it is their duty to fight for their nation. When in reality, the average Jane/Joe is fighting and dying for the lucrative gain of the wealthy back home.

However disenfranchised s/he becomes, they must believe that they are fighting for the good of something, otherwise, their suffering is in vain. Therefore, government propaganda tries to instill an innate distrust and distaste for the opposing side. Labels such as “axis of evil” come to mind…all it is is a way of controlling the average, ignorant person, and causing them to believe that the ensuing conflict is a moral dilemma, rather than a political or financial one.

To date, governments have been extremely effective in parroting patriotism and protections as a means to exploit those of lesser economic circumstances. Propaganda through media is so successful that people internalize the news they hear and believe that it originated from them. Moreover, the people in turn become passionate about issues that they are mostly shoddily informed about, and influence others. Therefore, communities become emotionally obsessed and discontinue to reason.

Though the United States may be a “democracy” it is quite apparent that there are a few elite who incessantly influence policy and the media; thus, in many ways controlling the people.

Birthday Calculator

Hey everyone,
This was a weekend straight from the bowels of hell - but I just hung out with some friends and saw Idlewild, which was surprisingly refreshing, and had a fabulous time!!! Anyway, I feel MUCH better!!!! I'm gonna take up a dance class too!

After I got home I got this from my friend Vin…Thought it was interesting…you should definitely try it out…!

Birthday Calculator

Here are some of my results…

28 February 1982
Your date of conception was on or about 7 June 1981 which was a Sunday.

You were born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Pisces.
Your Life path number is 5.

5 (5, 14/5, 23/5, 32/5)
The Life Path 5 suggests that you entered this plane with a highly progressive mindset, with the attitude and skills to make the world a better place. The key word for your Life Path is freedom. In the pursuit of freedom, you are naturally versatile, adventurous, and advanced in your thinking. You are one of those people who is always striving to find answers to the many questions that life poses. The byword for the positive Life Path 5 is constant change and improvement. You want to be totally unrestrained, as this is the number most often associated with the productive use of freedom.

You may be one of the most compassionate of people as the 5 is surely the most freedom-loving and compassionate Life Path. Your love of freedom extends to humanity at large, and concern for your fellow man, his freedom and his welfare, may be foremost in your mind. A great Life Path 5 American President, Abraham Lincoln, issued the Emancipation Proclamation, and ended slavery in America. As the ultimate progressive thinker type, your potential in government, the law, and other positions of authority is unlimited.

You are a good communicator, and you know how to motivate people around you. This may be your strongest and most valuable trait. Because of this skill, and your amazing wit, you are a truly natural born salesman. This ability to sell and motivate extends to any sort of physical product all the way through to whatever ideas or concepts you may embrace.

You abhor routine and boring work, and you are not very good at staying with everyday tasks that must be finished on time. On the average, the number 5 personality is rather happy-go-lucky; living for today, and not worrying too much about tomorrow. It is also important for you to find a job that provides thought-provoking tasks rather than routine and redundant responsibilities. You do best dealing with people, but the important thing is that you have the flexibility to express yourself at all times. You have an innate ability to think through complex matters and analyze them quickly, but then be off to something new.

A love of adventure may dominate your life. This may take the form of mental or physical manifestation, but in either case, you thrill to the chance for exploration and blazing new trails. Surely you belong to a group considered the most worldly and traveled. Clearly you are not one to pass up a good venture. You have quite a lot of the risk-taker in your makeup. If you aren't putting your money at stake, you are surely open to a wide variety of risks in your everyday life. Taking the conservative approach is just not in your nature.

In romance, you hate to be tied down and restricted. This doesn't necessarily mean that you are unfaithful or promiscuous, but it does mean that a good partner for you needs to understand your nature. A relationship based on jealousy and having tight reigns is not going to work at all for you. A partner who understands your need to be free and trusted will find you trustworthy, even if you aren't constantly available and totally dutiful. It is important for you to mix with people of a like mind, and to try to avoid those that are too serious and demanding.

If you are living on the negative side of the Life Path 5, you are apt to be multitalented, but suffering from some lack of direction, and there is confusion surrounding your ambition. Restless, discontent, and impulsive, you may bounce from one job to the next without accomplishing much at all. A negative Life Path 5 can become very irresponsible in tasks and decisions concerning the home and business life. The total pursuit of sensation and adventure can result in your becoming self-indulgent and totally unaware of the feelings of those around you.

Life Path Compatibility:You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 9.You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 8.You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 6, 11 & 22.

You are 24 years old.
You are 294 months old.
You are 1,278 weeks old.
You are 8,946 days old.
You are 214,727 hours old.
You are 12,883,649 minutes old.
You are 773,018,975 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Eric Lindros (1973)
Gilbert Gottfried (1955)
Bernadette Peters (1948)
Brian Jones (1942)
Mario Andretti (1940)
Tommy Tune (1939)
Gavin MacLeod (1930)
Charles Durning (1923)
Zero Mostel (1915)
Earl Scheib (1907)
Linus Pauling (1901)

Top songs of 1982
I Love Rock `n' Roll by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
Ebony and Ivory by Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder
Centerfold by J. Geils Band
Maneater by Daryl Hall & John Oates
Jack & Diane by John Cougar
Don't You Want Me by Human League
Up Where We Belong by Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes
Abracadabra by Steve Miller Band
Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.5013698630137 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

Your birthstone is Amethyst

RAGE

I just read a blog that embodies everything that I feel today!!!! I swear as soon as enough time goes by and nobobdy knows "who I am" anymore I'm gonna do a WTF post!

It's all wrapped up with that "Dazed in Confusion" post - now I'm just seeing red angry. My psyche's all screwed - I'm pissed that I may let this affect my future. If you want to screw up your life go ahead - but leave mine the hell alone! And grow the hell up! Life is hard - deal with it. I'm so sick and tired of people running away from problems instead of dealing with them like adults.

Today has just been one of those incredibly and absolutely frustrating days - and if you do know me - please don't call and ask why....(sigh)....when I'm ready to talk I will....

Settling for Ordinary

Have you realized this phenomenon? I know of so many people who end up settling for somebody they don’t really want for a number of reasons. Usually it circles around the fact that they are lonely and longing for companionship.

Sometimes, it’s just to pass the time. But more often then not, it ends up being a long-term commitment that they don’t really want. Hmmm….I don’t know – maybe it’s just a pride issue, and maybe like one friend said – once I hit 27 I’ll take what I can get (highly unlikely!) – but I refuse to waste my time with someone I’m not really interested in.

Too many emotions get involved; people get hurt, etc… (sigh) It’s actually been a long and painful road to get to this point, but regardless of the “You’re too picky” statements, I’m totally happy to be here.

I’d rather wait and take my time till I’m certain that I’m ready to commit – than to play with others in the search to find the impossible “One”. I don’t even believe in the “One” anyway. I have total faith that there is more than one man I can be deliriously happy with! The difference comes in the timing, location, and relationship.

Anyways, it just strikes me as kinda sad. God-willing I won’t settle for "ordinary" - I'm waiting for extraordinary....!

A Healthy Dose of Self-Disclosure

I’ve been asked (directly or indirectly) by a few people about how I can put myself out there – particularly regarding the piece under “Unrequited Love”. Truth is, I like the piece a lot – and I can put myself out there because I believe that self-disclosure is the only way to truly connect with others.

How can I expect people to understand or sympathize if I’m not completely honest with myself?
It has nothing to do with pride or ego – it just is. Writing is fun and therapeutic, and sharing even better :OP. I remember taking a poetry seminar from Amiri Baraka at Oakwood. It was a small group – I think about 10 of us – and while there he asked us why we wrote. When I stated that I wrote for myself – well, he basically yelled at me – saying that I should never write just for myself, and that doing so was selfish. Writers should put down their experiences, feelings, etc….but all in the effort to say what is so for others – not just themselves.

Again, pride in the idea that “he” may read it doesn’t faze me. I have a lot of pride and ego – trust. But it’s also pride in my work that causes me to put it out there. I like it and I hope you do too.

Pet Peeves

Aaaargh....I swear sometimes people are sooooooo annoying!!! I'll explain later.....

Okay - it kills me when people swear they know me! I can be extremely social and open (hence this blog), but that doesn't mean I'm your best friend! Then they have the nerve to get angry at me for not acting how they expect (thnx anon) me to act....dude, I barely know you...!

My friends know that they're my friends - we have a r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p. They call me and I call them. If you are the only one calling, then unless I'm insanely busy, I probably don't consider you a friend....okay? Please stop mistaking my "niceness" for something else.

What’s Wrong with ME?!

I was reading Time Magazine a while ago, and one of their cover stories was about "betwixters" – a term that was coined because of people like me. Working adults who are still heavily dependent upon their families, and rapidly changing careers.

It validated my feelings because I realized that I was not the only one in that sort of predicament.

It spoke about us looking for job satisfaction instead of security. Our generation is more concerned with being happy at our place of employment than working at a dead-end depressing job.

Though money is important, it is doesn't take precedence over personal pleasure of our vocations. This seems to be a result of the previous generation’s obsession with purely materialistic gain. After realizing that money truly cannot bring happiness, we are looking for careers that we enjoy and maybe doing some other moneymaking scheme on the side.

Basically, for anyone like me who is struggling to find your niche out there - you're not alone!

Ambiguous Relationships

Okay, let’s talk for a second about those wonderfully ambiguous relationships.

Relationships that are not quite defined, and haven’t been for a period of time. Relationships that we are positive will “eventually” work out into boyfriend and girlfriend status.

I can vividly recall hoping and wishing that if I didn’t push he would realize what an absolute gem I was and want me for himself. Sadly – my fantasy did not coincide with reality. Instead, he just ended up dating someone else.

Why are so scared that if we push the relationship status then they’ll leave us? Maybe we are not secure in the fact that this is an adult relationship. Instead, we are acting as though we can’t handle their disfavor. He is not someone that you must go to lengths to please.

We are forever moping and whining about desiring clarity in a relationship – but if we are perfectly honest with each other sometimes we don’t truly want it. Ambiguity leaves room for hope. If you do ask a man that you are seeing for absolute clarity you are open to disappointment and rejection. There is not one person who willingly desires experiencing those feelings – so for many of us it is far simpler to leave the question unanswered for a bit.

This is especially true if you really, really, really like this particular person. Who wants to erase the possibilities? At least you can console yourself with the fact that perhaps, in the future something may work out. I’m not saying that this is wrong – I’ve been there. Heck, I'm here now. If this is what works for you, tell the truth. Don’t complain to your friends about not knowing where this is going. ‘Cause for now you don’t really want to know. You can confront or keep hoping - either way it's not easy.

World's Shortest Fairytale

LOL! My cousin sent me this forward....

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said," NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased whenever she liked...did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, and had all the hot water to herself. She watched chick flicks, never football, never wore freakin' lacy lingerie that went up her butt, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.
THE END

Dazed in Confusion

Okay, I'm not going to disclose exactly what this was about. But you know when something just throws you for a loop - and you're not quite sure how you should feel? You almost feel absolutely nothing, but are not sure why.... You know it's a humongous deal - but emotionally you remain dettached. Anyways, if you still don't get it, I can't explain...

Frankly, I wasn’t terribly surprised. Or is that simply a subconscious cop out? An internal method of blocking an outer reality? The division of my nature causes me to wonder. On one hand – totally expected. The other – completely bewildering. This paradigm of virtue or ideal example of what everyone should attain to, nothing more than a bleached shell of pretense.

Unrequited Love

Hmmm....which one of us haven't been here at one point or another? I wrote this based on a certain someone - who if he ever reads this will probably recognize himself.... I just got up one morning thinking, and this is what came out.

Out of sight out of Mind...

I love him.

I got my clarity. And I fell harder than before. Essentially, nothing happened. Except – we communicated. Honestly. Finally. And though I was not surprised by the revelations, it solidified the futility of pretending this was more than it was. It is what it is. Out of sight out of mind.

He talked. I incoherently responded. Too tired to clearly verbalize my thoughts. I listened.

Stopped assuming. Stopped pretending. Just listened. And agonized inside. Why God? Why? Why are these disclosures reeling me closer?

I controlled myself. And regretted my resolve. I wanted to give and take. Caress and kiss. But I didn’t. Just lay there. Arm splayed over his chest. Head resting below his chin. Lay there. Feeling his body and trying hard not to move. Instinctively wanting more. But I didn’t.

Later – sleeping. Together. Or at least I tried. Spooning. Him behind me. Cuddling. Futilely providing each other with a remnant of physical intimacy. Leaving me wanting more. Intrinsically craving him. Without satisfaction.

We drove to the airport. Listened to music. Talked. He got out. Came in for a kiss. I turned. Offered my cheek and kissed his. He left. I cried. And cried. And cried again. I’m not settling for a piece of him. I want him all. Whole. Everything. But he’s not available. Only deals with what’s in front of him. Out of sight out of mind.

I long to take him up on his offer. Take whatever he’s offering. But – my heart. My heart.

It refuses to come in a late fourth or fifth in his life. Can’t handle the fact that he’s free to do the same with anyone else. That he might. That he probably is.

There I go assuming again. I told him I always assume the worst. Because obviously it’s not the best. I understand. Him, I mean. Understand that seeing each other sporadically – whenever a pink moon reveals itself – is not enough. Not enough for a relationship. Not enough to commit. I understand. But it still hurts like hell. My ego says that if he cared enough – fill in the blank. Ugly truth is – he doesn’t. Doesn’t care enough to pursue anything. Out of sight out of mind.

Convenient. Obviously – that’s what I am. Blindness that emanates from love. Morphing. Bold. Timid. Resilient. Fragile. Content. Yearning.

I love him.

But it doesn’t matter.

And it never did.

Drowning in good 'ole Colorado, USA

Okay, so I know somebody out there understands!

I am sooooo stuck in Colorado....thing is - I can leave - but.....what if this is where God wants me? That would totally suck - but I have to be open right?

Do you think He's just waiting for me to be satisfied before moving on? I am periodically having anxiety attacks just thinking about staying here..lol...!

I swear I need help....

Body Woes

(Ummm...you may want to close your eyes if you think this pic is too scandalous :OP)

One thing that ALL women share is dissatisfaction with some body part. And I really do mean all women – celebrities included. Even women whose bodies I envy, and un-Christianly lust (in the non-sexual manner) after have something that they do not like.

Basically, the phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side" rings extremely true.

The litany is endless: breast too small, breast too big, big thighs, no thighs, skinny legs, fat legs, no calves, thick calves, and on and on and on. And don't even get me started on skin and complexion.

I mean no wonder – look at what we are bombarded with every day. If we flip through a magazine in line at the groceries, we see these amazingly beautiful women smiling pertly at the camera who seem to radiate with the knowledge of their perfection. Oh, and please – television? Um, like every commercial for the ideal makeup or hair product is all insinuating, "If you use this product, you'll look just like me".

What a joke! I'll never look like her in a million years. First of all I can't afford cosmetic surgery, a personal trainer, and my own personal chef. And even if I did – my pictures are not going to be airbrushed to technical perfection.

I have to be honest, most of the time I cannot look through a Victoria Secrets catalogue without feeling just a little depressed. I can be in a fabulous mood – and then see one of their anatomically correct models and have to give a small sigh "I can never wear anything like that".
And I'm not even taking into consideration if it is indecent or not – the fact is, I would like to know that if I wanted to wear something revealing, I could without having to be embarrassed.

How many of us stand in front of the mirror naked simply looking at our bodies and seeing flaw after flaw? The constant "ifs" pop up: if I could just lose a little weight right here, if only this was a little tighter, if only that didn't hang quite in that direction! I know that you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's actually quite disturbing the amount of time we women find to criticize our bodies. Can you imagine how many hours of productivity are wasted while we dream of our "ideal" body?

Oh, and the bathroom scale!? I mean, what sick mind invented that anyway? Only a completely obsessed and slightly demented person would want to weigh themselves every time they went into the bathroom. It makes no sense to me. Is seeing that you've gained or lost one-third of a pound really that critical?

Now, I'm not trying to offend anyone who is a health nut. I could probably learn a lot from you. My point is that we constantly hold ourselves up to some logically unattainable standards. Most of us are never going to look like Jessica Alba, Beyonce or Jennifer Lopez – period. I don't mean to dash your dreams, but come on let's be realistic. You can be the best that you can be, but you can't be someone else!

On Being Single

Now, I'm sure that we've all been there before. You're walking around by yourself somewhere (incidentally, not in the best mood) minding your own business, when you feel it. Those slight pity glances from smug women on the arm of some guy – whose eyes quickly transmit sympathy before quickly looking away when you return their gaze.

Suddenly you empathize with that solitary gold fish in a glass bowl, being intently studied by five set of children's' peering eyes. And something in you wants to shout "Yes – I'm single, AND!??"

Okay, so maybe I'm being a bit paranoid. But how about those well-meaning older married women at church who whenever they see you are compelled to ask – (every Sabbath!), "how's your love life dear?" in their sugarcoated concerned voices. I, for one, am tired of smiling back and saying as sweetly as possible "nonexistent".

So, I've come up with a new response "It's wonderful, thanks for asking", smile again, and then promptly excuse myself.

After all, Jesus is the lover of our souls, right? And before you sigh and think, "I knew that's where she was going...blah, blah, blah..." and immediately tune me out - I'm not saying that we won't get lonely. I do – often. My point is that we shouldn't believe that we're lacking something because we may not have a significant other.

Truth is...

Okay, let's face the facts. Our society thrives on romantic liaisons. Romance surrounds us daily – we are bombarded with it wherever we go. From books, to television, theater, music, family and friends the ideas of love and intimacy are constantly colliding into us as we attempt to go on with our daily routines.

No matter how hard we try, we can't avoid it. Reality demands that we recognize it for what it is. Within and without the church, romance has taken precedence over the minds of many people.

Truth is, almost all of us want to experience romantic love – men and women alike. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to share our lives with someone. It’s perfectly healthy. In fact, that’s how God intended it to be from the beginning.

But do people have to be soooooo incredibly irritating about it???

100 Things About Me (Inspired by Vixen)

1) I have a sensitive sense of smell.
2) Smelling new tennis balls and tires brings me temporary joy.
3) Writing is therapeutic.
4) I live in my head too much.
5) Reality is overrated.
6) I'm slightly commitment-phobic.
7) I like unavailable men.
8) I detest the fact that unavailable men don't want me.
9) I adore traveling.
10) I thoroughly enjoy socializing and learning about people.
11) I can be extremely anti-social.
12) Definitely need my space.
13) I can't stand cats.
14) But love dogs.
15) However, they don't belong in the house.
16) I'm a SDA Christian.
17) Politically, I'm an independent.
18) I love light and colors.
19) I keep the curtains/blinds closed until a room is cleaned.
20) I can be extremely messy at times.
21) Books are my passion.
22) So are shoes.
23) I compulsively buy both.
24) I don't always read or wear either.
25) My freshmen year of college was done in Trinidad.
26) I lived in Guatemala for 2 months to learn Spanish, but just improved my English.
27) I have a Masters degree in Public Health.
28) I didn't know what public health was until 6 months before I started the program.
29) I find beauty in the outdoors.
30) I want to live in Manhattan.
31) I love the smell of rain on dirt.
32) If I don't check my email daily I feel disconnected.
33) I love Bollywood films.
34) My great-grandparents were from Delhi.
35) I grew up in SoCal.
36) I hated high school.
37) I wish I was a famous writer and public speaker.
38) I want to start a center for girls.
39) I'm not completely sure what I want to focus on.
40) I have a love/hate relationship with NYC.
41) I have a big ego - refer to # 8.
42) I'm always playing different sports.
43) I'm not particularly good at any of them.
44) If I could sing everyone would get sick of hearing me.
45) Obviously, I can't sing.
46) I enjoy driving fast.
47) Apparently, I also enjoyed getting my license suspended.
48) My laptop is a relic from the early 90s - it shuts down sporadically.
49) My parents robbed me - I only have 1 sister - they each have at least 8 siblings.
50) I went to 3 different high schools in 4 years.
51) In 2005 I lived in New York, Colorado, Guatemala and Florida.
52) I get distracted easily.
53) Most of my friends are either foreigners or children of immigrants.
54) I don't understand how some people push anti-abortion but love war.
55) Intolerance and injustice make me angry.
56) Only people I care about can make me really angry.
57) I cut off people easily.
58) One of my all time favorite characters is Elizabeth Bennet.
59) I'm still waiting for my Darcy.
60) Killing cockroaches freaks me out.
61) Snakes are interesting.
62) My sister bought me a python, but I lost it for a day and she took it back.
63) My family means the world to me.
64) I saw Thunder from Down Under in Vegas for a friends' bachelorette party (yeah)!
65) And...took pics with the guys.
66) I tend to be extremely intuitive about other people's lives.
67) For some reason, I seem to give off a special signal for foreign men.
68) I don't know if that makes sense.
69) I've smoked hookah.
70) I think smoking is not only stupid and harmful, but appallingly disgusting.
71) Most of my closest friends are almost completely opposite from me.
72) I love them to death.
73) I won my school spelling bee in 5th grade.
74) But lost district because I couldn't spell "seize".
75) Couldn't get over that "i" before "e" rule.
76) Cut me some slack - I was only 10.
77) Crunching ice used to be an addictive hobby.
78) I've finally realized that I like my teeth.
79) I wore braces for almost four years.
80) Classmates laughed at me and called me chipmunk because I had four teeth removed.
81) Come to think of it, they also called me monkey and gorilla 'cause I wasn't allowed to shave.
82) Told you high school sucked.
83) I prefer Angelina Jolie to Jennifer Aniston any day.
84) My mom never let my sister and I watch cartoons growing up.
85) We used to sneak and watch them anyway.
86) Which explains my current fascination with adult swim.
87) I was born in LBC but grew up in La Sierra.
88) I read all of Uncle Arthur's Bible Stories in two weeks.
89) What can I say? I was a nerd.
90) Hmmm....still am.
91) I'm also extremely goofy.
92) My cousins, sister and I are always making music videos where we lip sync and dance.
93) They play back up to my rendition of Aretha's "Respect".
94) Your chances of seeing it are miniscule to none.
95) I'm running out of things to say.
96) My brain's gone dead - good thing I'm almost done.
97) Oooh, I just made a bet with a friend to date a ----- boy - any takers?
98) If you didn't know it by now - I'm -----.
99) There's 100 percent ----- blood running through my veins.
100) I am completely unique and there's only one of me - so it's okay to be jealous.

Toodles!

Hi

Hey,

This is my second time trying this blogging thing...the first time wasn't too successful - so hopefully this will be much better. I'm gonna publish a grip of stuff from before....so take your time....!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy my thoughts - random as they may be! :OP

Look forward to hearing some feedback.

Ciao!