Warning: Ensuing Chaos

I put this together a couple months ago....clearly you can tell that I had a lot going on....it's just a rambled and totally random assortment of words that makes perfect sense to me....

Opaque, green, tallow, burnt, dichotomy, economical with the truth, fear, acrid, trust, faith, falling, tumbling, crumbled, torn, lost, pressing, aiming, failing, extinct, passion, thorns, palm trees, wind, pathetically clinging, releasing, racing, screaming, rage, dark, menacing, fusion, biting, furor, asinine, tumultuous, circling, vultures, carnage, wreckage, destruction, desolation, absence of life, new, unique, fresh, free, emerging, unfolding, soaring, high, plummeting, death, mindlessness, nothingness, peace

Yearning

Lust. That insatiable passion that incinerates your mind and body. All-consuming desire that completely envelopes you and won’t let go. It’s uncontrollable. Hitting you at the most unexpected and often inappropriate times.

How do you deal with it? Release the incredible built up pressure? Especially if the object of your desire isn’t around. Sometimes I just want to grab some random person – but on further inspection that won’t do.

A random person can’t make me feel like ripping off his clothes. Touching. Caressing. Attacking. Feel greedy for that unquenchable thirst. It’s frustrating.

So here I am. Waiting.

You've Got to be Kidding ME!!

Ugggggh!!! This is not a cry of anger. It's more like a shriek of disgust!!! Have you ever found out something about someone that makes you literally sick? Like for real - I'm almost totally nauseated. Maybe revolted is a better word.

Needless to say, any modicum of interest I had in this person is completely eradicated.

Oh, by the way, I'm talking about that "Glimpses" guy. Goodness, I just got a chill thinking about it....anyway, for anyone wondering how I feel - this is it.

I'm irrevocably done.

Here's the last journal entry I wrote regarding him - there will be no more....


Glimpses 8

(laugh) who knows how long this will go on! I’ve had a very traumatizing experience this week, and it’s only by the grace of God that I escaped physically unscathed. And its got me seriously thinking about my emotional well-being – and whether or not I’m sooo lonely and desperate for company that I am willing to knowingly make bad decisions. I cried continually all the way home.

I was mad at myself and mad at him….which, incidentally makes no sense. But my reasoning was that if something had happened – he wouldn’t even care. I called him a week ago and asked him to call me when he got a moment, and I have yet to hear from him. Basically, it solidified the fact that he doesn’t care about me. And frankly, I don’t even want to talk about the different levels of feelings – I know that he cares on some small level – but nothing serious enough to check up on me knowing that its been hard.

I can’t rely on him – God forbid that something came up and I needed him – basically, I’d be stranded. I’m really trying to be done making these rash and silly (stupid) decisions based upon my feelings. Obviously, actions speak louder than words – and his actions are glaringly telling me to back off – he’s not interested. Fine. It’s time I grow up and stop fantasizing about someone who doesn’t care about me.

Glimpses 6 & 7!

Alright - it's been a while since I've put up any of my journal entries - so, since 6 is so short, I'm posting 7 too!

6....
Well, I’m finally getting to a good place again. Lol….it’s also that time of the month again! But I’m really getting to the point where I can view him as another one of my guy friends. And right now I am really caught up in my own career choices.

For some reason, I just abhor being in Colorado. And its not even that I can’t make the best of it – I can. But, I don’t want to….I have no desire to do anything that causes me to commit more time to this place.


7....
This has been a loooong and extremely interesting journey. Again, just reading my past updates on this situation is hilarious! No wonder I was stressing out….Anyway, I had to start this one differently from that wonderful “okay” I used previously. However, for this continuation I just have to say that I’m good. I’ve finally allowed myself to stop stressing the situation and just be – without expectations or unrequited longings! Hmmm….that’s probably not very clear, but I have other things on my mind right now…

Everyone always says this, but it is soooo amazing how God brings you through the toughest moments. I have not yet taken the time to transfer my journal from Guate onto this, but in my darkest hours God has always been there. Today, ----------, marks exactly two months and a couple of days since I have relocated and started a new job. Incidentally, I live in the boondocks! So, that word is kinda funny – but I really do…..it’s been a hard adjustment. I have days were I am wonderfully up and then others when I just miss my family and friends – and wonder why I’m here in the first place….Thankfully, I believe that I have found a church fam…

Responsibility is a .......

(huge sigh) Anyone who knows me well, knows that I abhor responsibility. I love my freedom. I adore the feeling that I can go wherever I want, or just not talk to people for a while. I embrace the belief that "the world is my oyster" and that the possibilities are endless.

Unfortunately, I am currently in a state where RESPONSIBILITY is weighing me down. Not only do I have till tomorrow to catch up on four months of acccounting for our company (which I only learned about yesterday!), but the first half of my day was already spent taking my grandmother to her doctor's appt (where she got a bp machine hooked up to her for the next 24 hrs that I have to monitor very closely), my mom is laid up for at least another week (she just got out of surgery yesterday), my dad just found out that he has severe sleep apnea and is wearing some odd machine to monitor his patterns, and my bf is extremely sick as well! Add taking care of payroll, finishing and submitting the billing, and listening to employees concerns - and you kinda get the picture.

So, basically - I don't even have time to write this....Funny thing is - I feel completely apathetic....

Glimpses 5

Yet another glimpse into my over-analytical mind....

Okay, so it’s that time of the month and a certain someone has been on my mind a lot. I can’t do this. I’m already emotionally involved. I can pretend that I’m fine, but the truth is that I’m not. I have to stop hoping because I become sucked into my own fantasy. I’m starting to get angry, and can’t allow that to happen. So, I have to disassociate myself.

He just called me, but by the time I answered he was gone. So I called him right back and he didn’t answer. I don’t get it…..the thing is, it’s not the first time this has happened. So ….?

I can’t handle this right now. I have so many things that I am trying to accomplish. But what will it take for me to truly just see him as a friend? Every time I think that I get to that point, something happens or is said, and I am once again pulled in.

Tonight another friend called me – he’s really cool and I like him, but the truth is that he’s not SDA and I don’t even want to go there…why waste my time? But why put all my hopes and expectations on someone who doesn’t want me back?

I’m always talking about not playing myself, and respecting myself and setting boundaries, et cetera. But this seems to be so difficult in regards to him. I trust him implicitly, and at the same time don’t trust him at all. I know that doesn’t even make any sense, but its how I feel.

(I had to take somethings out..... I can't let all my business out there!)

As far I’m concerned right now, nothing is going on between us. We had a kiss, and I don’t regret it, but he’s already said that there’s nothing more. So why am I constantly hoping?

It’s extremely frustrating. But mostly because I’m not praying about it as much or trusting God to do His thing. Hmmmm…how can I write about something I can’t even do?

Question is, what can I do to make myself feel better? And not feel like his own personal yo-yo? I already rarely call him….and I’m not going to cut him off totally – he hasn’t done anything. Which is exactly the problem. Why continue this charade? It’s almost like we both started something that we know can’t go anywhere right now. So what’s the point?

And the really funny thing is that I longed for something like this to happen. And now that God finally answered my prayer, I realized that there was a reason it didn’t happen before. I hate saying this, but I already feel as though I am half-way in love with him. Lol….me saying “in love”. But I can’t think of any other way to state it….i’ve loved him for a while…I mean we’re friends…but now the whole romantic aspect is screwing up my perspective. It causes me to be more selfish and sensitive.

He sucks!!! (Sigh)…no he doesn’t….but I swear he planned it! why? And when did it start for him? There are so many things I’d like to ask, but I don’t even want to go there because it will take things to another level! I just need to relax and “free my mind”….lol…easier said than done….i’m exhausted.

Glimpses 4

Alrighty, I'm going to continue with the Journaling....this one is a bit long as well...happy reading!

Okay, so this is about the same dude from before. Thing is, I was about to write him off and then he called. Isn’t that how it always is? There’s a lot more to the story, but I don’t want to get into everything now.

Problem is, instead of controlling where this is or isn’t going – I’ve given him complete control. My mom says that I need to figure out what I need to gain back control of the situation, but the truth is – I don’t know exactly what that would be.

I mean, honestly – both of us already stated that a relationship at this point would be out of the question. The only thing is that we said that before the kiss. Hmmm…but other than that nothing’s really changed has it? lol…that’s my problem. For me and my ego I would definitely expect a change! But, the reality of the situation is that I still have many, many things I need to figure out on my own – outside of a relationship.

Yet, my feelings for him are still there. Again, I see the wonderful potential, and am not quite sure how to balance the friendship without the romance…. Quite frankly, I’ve never had to before. So, the question is – do I just stop talking to him altogether, or do I continue and do away with any feelings I had?

I guess one of my biggest problems is that if only a kiss happened I could more easily brush it of, but the hand-holding and peck good night really got to me…. Plus, I already addressed it and he basically said “why does anything have to change?” Clearly, an answer that my ego has a hard time accepting.

I also know that part of the reason my interaction with him is different, is because I had him on this pedestal for such a long time that it’s still hard for me to treat him like I would any other guy. I mean I literally crushed on this guy for years! Knowing that he was physically attracted to me gave me an extra boost. Which of course is the problem….why shouldn’t he be attracted to me? I’m more than pretty special ;-) !

Do you see my dilemma? What do I need to gain back my control? And then again, have I truly lost my control? I know what I should do intellectually, and I do it for the most part, however, my feelings are definitely at war with my head. But when I share my feelings with my loved ones, and they give me the same advice my head gives me, I wonder if I don’t have as much control as I think I have?

Basically, I need to regain all of my emotions in regards to him. What is the worst that can happen at this point? He could say that he likes me as a friend, but is really not interested in anything more, and where would that leave me? I’ll be hurt and my ego will probably be crushed, but I’ll heal. As it is, I feel as though I’m in some sort of limbo stage. Almost as if I’m waiting for his next move. And the truth is that I can’t live like that.

But the fear of rejection haunts me constantly. I’ve never really had to guess at whether or not a guy liked me. LOL – with the exception of his cousin, I’ve always been in control. Which, of course, is another problem. My mom tried talking to me about my father and their relationship, but the truth is, it’s not really applicable to this situation. She didn’t even like him, and was in no way attracted to him. So of course she could be nonchalant and in control.

Plus, we’re not even in the same state. It’s not like I can even do anything about it, but not call him. And that I can do. Even if I have to erase his number sometimes….! But honestly, the desire has gotten less and less….I have thought about him, especially if someone was to bring him up, but I’ve been okay. I have a focus now and some specific quantifiable goals in place.

And though I dislike (hate) talking about how everything will be okay in the future, I know once I start school, I’ll be in an even better place.

Glimpses 3

Hmmmm....as am reading these, I realize that they get more and more personal - on one hand its liberating, but on the other it feels slightly uncomfortable to be so open about my issues....However, I've made the committment to be real - so here goes....

Okay, me again…lol…patience is not an easy thing! I know that God has a plan in store for me, but lately he constantly occupies my thoughts…. I was talking to my mom about it today and she had a good point. She told me not to lie to myself…obviously, I should know this by now….

But, the truth is that I don’t know what I am going to end up doing career wise…. And right now I would be willing to move to see if there is a chance for this relationship to go somewhere…and that makes me feel just a little pathetic. When it comes down to it, I am pretty old-fashioned – so I won’t do anything unless he suggests it – but that would take it to another level. Sigh….and quite honestly, though I am not fully sure of what level of commitment I want, I am even more scared of where he is in his life.

The fact is that we have both talked about getting our lives in order before even considering a relationship. But now, the relationship has changed and so have my expectations. However, reality still remains – I need to figure out what I am doing with my life!! And he has a lot going on for him right now as well….so, I really have to be patient.

The funny thing is, while God has assured me every step of the way, I am afraid that he just might lose interest! Lol – I know….i guess the fact that I have liked him off and on for such a long time causes me to question ‘does he really like me?’ lol….some serious insecurity….

Glimpses into my Journal 1

Okay, this is for all of you who have wondered how my mind works. You are about to be priviliged! I got a new laptop (yay!) and transferred all my old files to my new and improved one...so, I was re-reading some stuff and came across about 8 or 9 entries titled "My feelings and intellect..."

Obviously, once you read them you'll know exactly what they're about....I'm gonna try to post one a day so that you're not overwhelmed - enjoy....

My feelings and intellect tell me that this is the one. However, I know that God has my best interests in mind…and that I may be wrong in my assumptions. For some reason though, I cannot seem to get him off my mind. It’s not even the fact that I think he’s everything I ever wanted, etc… There’s just that certainty that he and I would make a good team. Lol…problem is, I know how I feel about him, but have no idea about his feelings…. On one hand if he were anyone else, I would definitely say that there have been hints – problem is he’s not anyone else… I don’t know how to read his actions. Thus stated, I may just be inferring things because I want them to be there, and deceiving myself.

I know that he and I are friends – the extent of that though I can’t even say. And I definitely know that he enjoys my company – but, I want him to find me attractive! (smile) I have learned enough in my time to realize that I should not say anything – and I’m not going to make that mistake. At the same time because I have such strong feelings I have the tendency to mask them so well that I appear to have no feelings at all.

So, it’s a little precarious situation. Honestly, I know that a man knows what he wants, and when he’s ready he’ll make his move. And I also know that I desperately want him to want me, so that my emotions may not be a realistic or correct interpretation of our relationship….okay, the wording is odd, but the point is that I don’t want to appear to be like “other” girls. He’s always had women liking him, and having no problem showing him their feelings, but I never like to be compared to anyone else. It’s my pet peeve.

I have constantly been praying about the situation, and asking God to provide me peace and the ability to be comfortable around him. And it’s definitely gotten better, but another problem has erupted. The fact that everyone knows! Of course, this is my fault. I share too many complex relationships with his family….(smile) but it still is kinda annoying…plus, I know that people are talking, and who knows what he knows?!

My friends say that its just a matter of time – I already know his fam, etc…but I don’t want it to be a logical decision on his part per se – I just really want to know that he is attracted to me!! Is that so hard to ask!?!? It is really quite frustrating considering the fact that I tend to be so perceptive with other people, but cannot seem to read him at all! The other night he told me that I’m the one he calls the most – which of course makes me feel special, but is that just because I’m such a good friend?! (big sigh) I don’t know…thankfully, it’s all in God’s hands now….i just need to relax and let Him do His thing, ‘cause I can’t figure this guy out at all….

RAGE

I just read a blog that embodies everything that I feel today!!!! I swear as soon as enough time goes by and nobobdy knows "who I am" anymore I'm gonna do a WTF post!

It's all wrapped up with that "Dazed in Confusion" post - now I'm just seeing red angry. My psyche's all screwed - I'm pissed that I may let this affect my future. If you want to screw up your life go ahead - but leave mine the hell alone! And grow the hell up! Life is hard - deal with it. I'm so sick and tired of people running away from problems instead of dealing with them like adults.

Today has just been one of those incredibly and absolutely frustrating days - and if you do know me - please don't call and ask why....(sigh)....when I'm ready to talk I will....

Dazed in Confusion

Okay, I'm not going to disclose exactly what this was about. But you know when something just throws you for a loop - and you're not quite sure how you should feel? You almost feel absolutely nothing, but are not sure why.... You know it's a humongous deal - but emotionally you remain dettached. Anyways, if you still don't get it, I can't explain...

Frankly, I wasn’t terribly surprised. Or is that simply a subconscious cop out? An internal method of blocking an outer reality? The division of my nature causes me to wonder. On one hand – totally expected. The other – completely bewildering. This paradigm of virtue or ideal example of what everyone should attain to, nothing more than a bleached shell of pretense.

Unrequited Love

Hmmm....which one of us haven't been here at one point or another? I wrote this based on a certain someone - who if he ever reads this will probably recognize himself.... I just got up one morning thinking, and this is what came out.

Out of sight out of Mind...

I love him.

I got my clarity. And I fell harder than before. Essentially, nothing happened. Except – we communicated. Honestly. Finally. And though I was not surprised by the revelations, it solidified the futility of pretending this was more than it was. It is what it is. Out of sight out of mind.

He talked. I incoherently responded. Too tired to clearly verbalize my thoughts. I listened.

Stopped assuming. Stopped pretending. Just listened. And agonized inside. Why God? Why? Why are these disclosures reeling me closer?

I controlled myself. And regretted my resolve. I wanted to give and take. Caress and kiss. But I didn’t. Just lay there. Arm splayed over his chest. Head resting below his chin. Lay there. Feeling his body and trying hard not to move. Instinctively wanting more. But I didn’t.

Later – sleeping. Together. Or at least I tried. Spooning. Him behind me. Cuddling. Futilely providing each other with a remnant of physical intimacy. Leaving me wanting more. Intrinsically craving him. Without satisfaction.

We drove to the airport. Listened to music. Talked. He got out. Came in for a kiss. I turned. Offered my cheek and kissed his. He left. I cried. And cried. And cried again. I’m not settling for a piece of him. I want him all. Whole. Everything. But he’s not available. Only deals with what’s in front of him. Out of sight out of mind.

I long to take him up on his offer. Take whatever he’s offering. But – my heart. My heart.

It refuses to come in a late fourth or fifth in his life. Can’t handle the fact that he’s free to do the same with anyone else. That he might. That he probably is.

There I go assuming again. I told him I always assume the worst. Because obviously it’s not the best. I understand. Him, I mean. Understand that seeing each other sporadically – whenever a pink moon reveals itself – is not enough. Not enough for a relationship. Not enough to commit. I understand. But it still hurts like hell. My ego says that if he cared enough – fill in the blank. Ugly truth is – he doesn’t. Doesn’t care enough to pursue anything. Out of sight out of mind.

Convenient. Obviously – that’s what I am. Blindness that emanates from love. Morphing. Bold. Timid. Resilient. Fragile. Content. Yearning.

I love him.

But it doesn’t matter.

And it never did.

Drowning in good 'ole Colorado, USA

Okay, so I know somebody out there understands!

I am sooooo stuck in Colorado....thing is - I can leave - but.....what if this is where God wants me? That would totally suck - but I have to be open right?

Do you think He's just waiting for me to be satisfied before moving on? I am periodically having anxiety attacks just thinking about staying here..lol...!

I swear I need help....