Okay, this is for all of you who have wondered how my mind works. You are about to be priviliged! I got a new laptop (yay!) and transferred all my old files to my new and improved one...so, I was re-reading some stuff and came across about 8 or 9 entries titled "My feelings and intellect..."
Obviously, once you read them you'll know exactly what they're about....I'm gonna try to post one a day so that you're not overwhelmed - enjoy....
My feelings and intellect tell me that this is the one. However, I know that God has my best interests in mind…and that I may be wrong in my assumptions. For some reason though, I cannot seem to get him off my mind. It’s not even the fact that I think he’s everything I ever wanted, etc… There’s just that certainty that he and I would make a good team. Lol…problem is, I know how I feel about him, but have no idea about his feelings…. On one hand if he were anyone else, I would definitely say that there have been hints – problem is he’s not anyone else… I don’t know how to read his actions. Thus stated, I may just be inferring things because I want them to be there, and deceiving myself.
I know that he and I are friends – the extent of that though I can’t even say. And I definitely know that he enjoys my company – but, I want him to find me attractive! (smile) I have learned enough in my time to realize that I should not say anything – and I’m not going to make that mistake. At the same time because I have such strong feelings I have the tendency to mask them so well that I appear to have no feelings at all.
So, it’s a little precarious situation. Honestly, I know that a man knows what he wants, and when he’s ready he’ll make his move. And I also know that I desperately want him to want me, so that my emotions may not be a realistic or correct interpretation of our relationship….okay, the wording is odd, but the point is that I don’t want to appear to be like “other” girls. He’s always had women liking him, and having no problem showing him their feelings, but I never like to be compared to anyone else. It’s my pet peeve.
I have constantly been praying about the situation, and asking God to provide me peace and the ability to be comfortable around him. And it’s definitely gotten better, but another problem has erupted. The fact that everyone knows! Of course, this is my fault. I share too many complex relationships with his family….(smile) but it still is kinda annoying…plus, I know that people are talking, and who knows what he knows?!
My friends say that its just a matter of time – I already know his fam, etc…but I don’t want it to be a logical decision on his part per se – I just really want to know that he is attracted to me!! Is that so hard to ask!?!? It is really quite frustrating considering the fact that I tend to be so perceptive with other people, but cannot seem to read him at all! The other night he told me that I’m the one he calls the most – which of course makes me feel special, but is that just because I’m such a good friend?! (big sigh) I don’t know…thankfully, it’s all in God’s hands now….i just need to relax and let Him do His thing, ‘cause I can’t figure this guy out at all….
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