Glimpses 4

Alrighty, I'm going to continue with the Journaling....this one is a bit long as well...happy reading!

Okay, so this is about the same dude from before. Thing is, I was about to write him off and then he called. Isn’t that how it always is? There’s a lot more to the story, but I don’t want to get into everything now.

Problem is, instead of controlling where this is or isn’t going – I’ve given him complete control. My mom says that I need to figure out what I need to gain back control of the situation, but the truth is – I don’t know exactly what that would be.

I mean, honestly – both of us already stated that a relationship at this point would be out of the question. The only thing is that we said that before the kiss. Hmmm…but other than that nothing’s really changed has it? lol…that’s my problem. For me and my ego I would definitely expect a change! But, the reality of the situation is that I still have many, many things I need to figure out on my own – outside of a relationship.

Yet, my feelings for him are still there. Again, I see the wonderful potential, and am not quite sure how to balance the friendship without the romance…. Quite frankly, I’ve never had to before. So, the question is – do I just stop talking to him altogether, or do I continue and do away with any feelings I had?

I guess one of my biggest problems is that if only a kiss happened I could more easily brush it of, but the hand-holding and peck good night really got to me…. Plus, I already addressed it and he basically said “why does anything have to change?” Clearly, an answer that my ego has a hard time accepting.

I also know that part of the reason my interaction with him is different, is because I had him on this pedestal for such a long time that it’s still hard for me to treat him like I would any other guy. I mean I literally crushed on this guy for years! Knowing that he was physically attracted to me gave me an extra boost. Which of course is the problem….why shouldn’t he be attracted to me? I’m more than pretty special ;-) !

Do you see my dilemma? What do I need to gain back my control? And then again, have I truly lost my control? I know what I should do intellectually, and I do it for the most part, however, my feelings are definitely at war with my head. But when I share my feelings with my loved ones, and they give me the same advice my head gives me, I wonder if I don’t have as much control as I think I have?

Basically, I need to regain all of my emotions in regards to him. What is the worst that can happen at this point? He could say that he likes me as a friend, but is really not interested in anything more, and where would that leave me? I’ll be hurt and my ego will probably be crushed, but I’ll heal. As it is, I feel as though I’m in some sort of limbo stage. Almost as if I’m waiting for his next move. And the truth is that I can’t live like that.

But the fear of rejection haunts me constantly. I’ve never really had to guess at whether or not a guy liked me. LOL – with the exception of his cousin, I’ve always been in control. Which, of course, is another problem. My mom tried talking to me about my father and their relationship, but the truth is, it’s not really applicable to this situation. She didn’t even like him, and was in no way attracted to him. So of course she could be nonchalant and in control.

Plus, we’re not even in the same state. It’s not like I can even do anything about it, but not call him. And that I can do. Even if I have to erase his number sometimes….! But honestly, the desire has gotten less and less….I have thought about him, especially if someone was to bring him up, but I’ve been okay. I have a focus now and some specific quantifiable goals in place.

And though I dislike (hate) talking about how everything will be okay in the future, I know once I start school, I’ll be in an even better place.