So, I was writing about the extremely emotionally charged Sunday I had, but the jokes on me. I got really angry about a misunderstanding, and on deeper inspection realized it had nothing to do with “the situation”, but totally with me. And on even further analysis, I realized that though I thought I’ve dealt with a particular issue, I still have a lot of anger, and yes, even resentment, towards “them”. They who will remain nameless…lol…
Thing is, I put myself in a position to be the emotional bulwark – rock if you will. I tried being supportive and listening, etc…. all the while, acknowledging my own hurt, but not the extent of my anger. I justified my behavior by saying it had nothing to do with it. And in essence, it doesn’t – but in reality, it does affect me. Greatly. For better or worse.
I realize that I’m still in “protect” mode. And I lashed out because I was unable to openly express my feelings earlier, out of respect and their wishes. It upset me. Almost like I wasn’t supposed to work it out on my own. I know that they had to work it out first. So, I kept as quiet as possible. But then that long absence exacerbated my angst. Plus, everything seemed to fall apart immediately. I was stressed. And angry that I had to deal with their stuff. Once again, I had to hold it all together. But, I was going crazy. Having an anxiety attack at least once every two weeks.
In retrospect, I am aware that I chose to take that position. It wasn’t necessary. I chalk it up to my “peacemaker”, “people-pleaser” personality.
The wonderful thing is that since my “outburst” – they’ve been extremely supportive. Letting me do my thing. But I still feel a twinge of guilt when I see how sorry he is…and I guess we need to talk again…
Thing is, I put myself in a position to be the emotional bulwark – rock if you will. I tried being supportive and listening, etc…. all the while, acknowledging my own hurt, but not the extent of my anger. I justified my behavior by saying it had nothing to do with it. And in essence, it doesn’t – but in reality, it does affect me. Greatly. For better or worse.
I realize that I’m still in “protect” mode. And I lashed out because I was unable to openly express my feelings earlier, out of respect and their wishes. It upset me. Almost like I wasn’t supposed to work it out on my own. I know that they had to work it out first. So, I kept as quiet as possible. But then that long absence exacerbated my angst. Plus, everything seemed to fall apart immediately. I was stressed. And angry that I had to deal with their stuff. Once again, I had to hold it all together. But, I was going crazy. Having an anxiety attack at least once every two weeks.
In retrospect, I am aware that I chose to take that position. It wasn’t necessary. I chalk it up to my “peacemaker”, “people-pleaser” personality.
The wonderful thing is that since my “outburst” – they’ve been extremely supportive. Letting me do my thing. But I still feel a twinge of guilt when I see how sorry he is…and I guess we need to talk again…
2 comments:
Thanks - I'm trying...!
xoxo
thanks for the thoughtful comment on my post!!! glad to know someone else has been there and it gets better. i know it is a vicious cycle that i'm in and every time i say i'm gonna go single for awhile, i meet some one that i think might be fun to just explore, and not get serious. then, as you said, i get sick of them and realize that i just repeated the cycle without even knowing it until it is too late.
as for my mom and the financial independence thing, i just feel like she sort of holds it over my head..."you can spend money on eating out and having fun with friends, but you need to get to church"... not in so many words but ultimately that's the imperssion i'm under.
anywho, thanks for the thoughts.
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