An Ideal Husband

It's just a little after 3 in the morning - I'm supposed to be working, but instead just spent the last hour and a half watching the movie An Ideal Husband. It's offered as one of those free movies on Comcast, and I haven't seen it in years. So anyway, Rupert Everett is superb and totally makes me forget that he's gay.

It's these types of movies that screw up the female psyche. The "happily ever after ending", the heroine finally getting her reformed rake that every other female wants.... We all know the story. Is it surprising then that we grow up imagining that our own personal Prince Charming is coming to sweep us off our feet?

I do adore these movies and books, but they utterly taint reality and leave us disappointed when a man doesn't seem to fit this "ideal" mold. The ironic thing about this film is that it actually attempts to prove the fallibility of people. However, the ending totally eradicates any moves made in that direction. It's perfectly happy and leaves you with the impression that the couples will never encounter any other serious issues in their marriages.

Obviously, a highly naive and unlikely premise. Anyway, I've just realized that sometimes I have to make a conscious effort to not be overly influenced by these cinematic fairytales. Whaddya think?

Snakes on a Plane!!!!

So my sister is doing an informative speech on snakes, and the misconceptions that people have about them. She asked me for some help, and while I was looking up stuff I came across this adorable picture!!!

By the way, my sister owns three pythons - they're all very sweet. Their names are Miggy, Misty Yellow, and Snickers (mine :OP)....

Don't be scurrrred....!

You've Got to be Kidding ME!!

Ugggggh!!! This is not a cry of anger. It's more like a shriek of disgust!!! Have you ever found out something about someone that makes you literally sick? Like for real - I'm almost totally nauseated. Maybe revolted is a better word.

Needless to say, any modicum of interest I had in this person is completely eradicated.

Oh, by the way, I'm talking about that "Glimpses" guy. Goodness, I just got a chill thinking about it....anyway, for anyone wondering how I feel - this is it.

I'm irrevocably done.

Here's the last journal entry I wrote regarding him - there will be no more....


Glimpses 8

(laugh) who knows how long this will go on! I’ve had a very traumatizing experience this week, and it’s only by the grace of God that I escaped physically unscathed. And its got me seriously thinking about my emotional well-being – and whether or not I’m sooo lonely and desperate for company that I am willing to knowingly make bad decisions. I cried continually all the way home.

I was mad at myself and mad at him….which, incidentally makes no sense. But my reasoning was that if something had happened – he wouldn’t even care. I called him a week ago and asked him to call me when he got a moment, and I have yet to hear from him. Basically, it solidified the fact that he doesn’t care about me. And frankly, I don’t even want to talk about the different levels of feelings – I know that he cares on some small level – but nothing serious enough to check up on me knowing that its been hard.

I can’t rely on him – God forbid that something came up and I needed him – basically, I’d be stranded. I’m really trying to be done making these rash and silly (stupid) decisions based upon my feelings. Obviously, actions speak louder than words – and his actions are glaringly telling me to back off – he’s not interested. Fine. It’s time I grow up and stop fantasizing about someone who doesn’t care about me.

Glimpses 6 & 7!

Alright - it's been a while since I've put up any of my journal entries - so, since 6 is so short, I'm posting 7 too!

6....
Well, I’m finally getting to a good place again. Lol….it’s also that time of the month again! But I’m really getting to the point where I can view him as another one of my guy friends. And right now I am really caught up in my own career choices.

For some reason, I just abhor being in Colorado. And its not even that I can’t make the best of it – I can. But, I don’t want to….I have no desire to do anything that causes me to commit more time to this place.


7....
This has been a loooong and extremely interesting journey. Again, just reading my past updates on this situation is hilarious! No wonder I was stressing out….Anyway, I had to start this one differently from that wonderful “okay” I used previously. However, for this continuation I just have to say that I’m good. I’ve finally allowed myself to stop stressing the situation and just be – without expectations or unrequited longings! Hmmm….that’s probably not very clear, but I have other things on my mind right now…

Everyone always says this, but it is soooo amazing how God brings you through the toughest moments. I have not yet taken the time to transfer my journal from Guate onto this, but in my darkest hours God has always been there. Today, ----------, marks exactly two months and a couple of days since I have relocated and started a new job. Incidentally, I live in the boondocks! So, that word is kinda funny – but I really do…..it’s been a hard adjustment. I have days were I am wonderfully up and then others when I just miss my family and friends – and wonder why I’m here in the first place….Thankfully, I believe that I have found a church fam…

Adios Sra. Rigoberta...

Okay. I lied. You know that PeaceJam thing I'm supposed to go today? Well, barely can one minute pass where I'm not sneezing or coughing uncontrollably - so much so that my chest burns. :O(

Yes, it's official - I have the flu. How the ------ did that happen? I'll tell you.

Remember that I said that my bf was sick? Well, to top off the absolutely crazy week I've had - Friday night we had to take my grandmom to the emergency room. Her glucose levels were dropping and she was having these scary "episodes" where she was flailing about and talking incoherently. Needless to say, we took her in around 9pm and didn't get home till 10am the next morning. I'd totally say it was a nosocomial infection, but my resistance was already low - I was already exposed, and utterly exhausted.

Consequently, I'm a mess. I've taken every conceivable medication that exists - ran the whole gamut of sneezy, stuffy, itchy, night time medicine, but thus far - to no avail.

Adios, Rigoberta Menchu Tum...véale la vez próxima su adentro ciudad....

PeaceJam 2006

Guess what?!?!?!?! I was driving in my car listening to NPR (an absolutlely fabulous station) and heard that tomorrow kicks off the 10th Annual PeaceJam Conference! "The what?" - you ask. The ONLY conference outside of Oslo, Norway where Nobel Peace Prize Laureautes gather to empower and encourage the youth of the world....and take a wild guess where it is......????

DENVER!!!!!!! Yay, yay, and yay again!!!

Okay, so not only will the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu be here, but also 6 of the 12 women laureates will be speaking - including RIGOBERTA MENCHU TUM from Guatemala - and I'm going!!!!

Where are my human rights people when I need them?????

Responsibility is a .......

(huge sigh) Anyone who knows me well, knows that I abhor responsibility. I love my freedom. I adore the feeling that I can go wherever I want, or just not talk to people for a while. I embrace the belief that "the world is my oyster" and that the possibilities are endless.

Unfortunately, I am currently in a state where RESPONSIBILITY is weighing me down. Not only do I have till tomorrow to catch up on four months of acccounting for our company (which I only learned about yesterday!), but the first half of my day was already spent taking my grandmother to her doctor's appt (where she got a bp machine hooked up to her for the next 24 hrs that I have to monitor very closely), my mom is laid up for at least another week (she just got out of surgery yesterday), my dad just found out that he has severe sleep apnea and is wearing some odd machine to monitor his patterns, and my bf is extremely sick as well! Add taking care of payroll, finishing and submitting the billing, and listening to employees concerns - and you kinda get the picture.

So, basically - I don't even have time to write this....Funny thing is - I feel completely apathetic....

Being Me

Tonight I got the following comment regarding my journal entries:

yo being you and dealing with your mind is freaking crazy. Don't let any guy who wants to date you read this or they will go crazy to see how your brain works. Women like you are just .......

:OP First off, I had to laugh. But then I thought about it. It’s odd. On one hand I feel as though I’ve been personally attacked and want to defend myself, and on the other hand I don’t feel that I even need to explain. Hmmm…let me start by saying this – whatever MAN I date would probably know me enough not to be intimidated by me or how my mind works. :O)

Secondly, these were written over a year ago. If I was still feeling this way or even completely thinking this way, I definitely wouldn’t have had the guts to put it on the internet! I will say again though, the majority of women that I know can empathize at one time or another. Why do you think we spend hours on the phone discussing the opposite sex? We are constantly poring over “what he could have meant by using that phrase” and does he treat all women that way or am I special?” Clearly, some may see it as useless – but we bond over things like this.

Do you have any idea of the number of calls or emails I’ve received from other women regarding these posts? Usually in the vein of “I feel the same way, but I can’t believe you put it on your blog!”

So, once again “Anon” – we are completely unique and special! If you are a guy, I hope you learn something about women – other than trying to stay away from ones like me…!

Glimpses 5

Yet another glimpse into my over-analytical mind....

Okay, so it’s that time of the month and a certain someone has been on my mind a lot. I can’t do this. I’m already emotionally involved. I can pretend that I’m fine, but the truth is that I’m not. I have to stop hoping because I become sucked into my own fantasy. I’m starting to get angry, and can’t allow that to happen. So, I have to disassociate myself.

He just called me, but by the time I answered he was gone. So I called him right back and he didn’t answer. I don’t get it…..the thing is, it’s not the first time this has happened. So ….?

I can’t handle this right now. I have so many things that I am trying to accomplish. But what will it take for me to truly just see him as a friend? Every time I think that I get to that point, something happens or is said, and I am once again pulled in.

Tonight another friend called me – he’s really cool and I like him, but the truth is that he’s not SDA and I don’t even want to go there…why waste my time? But why put all my hopes and expectations on someone who doesn’t want me back?

I’m always talking about not playing myself, and respecting myself and setting boundaries, et cetera. But this seems to be so difficult in regards to him. I trust him implicitly, and at the same time don’t trust him at all. I know that doesn’t even make any sense, but its how I feel.

(I had to take somethings out..... I can't let all my business out there!)

As far I’m concerned right now, nothing is going on between us. We had a kiss, and I don’t regret it, but he’s already said that there’s nothing more. So why am I constantly hoping?

It’s extremely frustrating. But mostly because I’m not praying about it as much or trusting God to do His thing. Hmmmm…how can I write about something I can’t even do?

Question is, what can I do to make myself feel better? And not feel like his own personal yo-yo? I already rarely call him….and I’m not going to cut him off totally – he hasn’t done anything. Which is exactly the problem. Why continue this charade? It’s almost like we both started something that we know can’t go anywhere right now. So what’s the point?

And the really funny thing is that I longed for something like this to happen. And now that God finally answered my prayer, I realized that there was a reason it didn’t happen before. I hate saying this, but I already feel as though I am half-way in love with him. Lol….me saying “in love”. But I can’t think of any other way to state it….i’ve loved him for a while…I mean we’re friends…but now the whole romantic aspect is screwing up my perspective. It causes me to be more selfish and sensitive.

He sucks!!! (Sigh)…no he doesn’t….but I swear he planned it! why? And when did it start for him? There are so many things I’d like to ask, but I don’t even want to go there because it will take things to another level! I just need to relax and “free my mind”….lol…easier said than done….i’m exhausted.

Glimpses 4

Alrighty, I'm going to continue with the Journaling....this one is a bit long as well...happy reading!

Okay, so this is about the same dude from before. Thing is, I was about to write him off and then he called. Isn’t that how it always is? There’s a lot more to the story, but I don’t want to get into everything now.

Problem is, instead of controlling where this is or isn’t going – I’ve given him complete control. My mom says that I need to figure out what I need to gain back control of the situation, but the truth is – I don’t know exactly what that would be.

I mean, honestly – both of us already stated that a relationship at this point would be out of the question. The only thing is that we said that before the kiss. Hmmm…but other than that nothing’s really changed has it? lol…that’s my problem. For me and my ego I would definitely expect a change! But, the reality of the situation is that I still have many, many things I need to figure out on my own – outside of a relationship.

Yet, my feelings for him are still there. Again, I see the wonderful potential, and am not quite sure how to balance the friendship without the romance…. Quite frankly, I’ve never had to before. So, the question is – do I just stop talking to him altogether, or do I continue and do away with any feelings I had?

I guess one of my biggest problems is that if only a kiss happened I could more easily brush it of, but the hand-holding and peck good night really got to me…. Plus, I already addressed it and he basically said “why does anything have to change?” Clearly, an answer that my ego has a hard time accepting.

I also know that part of the reason my interaction with him is different, is because I had him on this pedestal for such a long time that it’s still hard for me to treat him like I would any other guy. I mean I literally crushed on this guy for years! Knowing that he was physically attracted to me gave me an extra boost. Which of course is the problem….why shouldn’t he be attracted to me? I’m more than pretty special ;-) !

Do you see my dilemma? What do I need to gain back my control? And then again, have I truly lost my control? I know what I should do intellectually, and I do it for the most part, however, my feelings are definitely at war with my head. But when I share my feelings with my loved ones, and they give me the same advice my head gives me, I wonder if I don’t have as much control as I think I have?

Basically, I need to regain all of my emotions in regards to him. What is the worst that can happen at this point? He could say that he likes me as a friend, but is really not interested in anything more, and where would that leave me? I’ll be hurt and my ego will probably be crushed, but I’ll heal. As it is, I feel as though I’m in some sort of limbo stage. Almost as if I’m waiting for his next move. And the truth is that I can’t live like that.

But the fear of rejection haunts me constantly. I’ve never really had to guess at whether or not a guy liked me. LOL – with the exception of his cousin, I’ve always been in control. Which, of course, is another problem. My mom tried talking to me about my father and their relationship, but the truth is, it’s not really applicable to this situation. She didn’t even like him, and was in no way attracted to him. So of course she could be nonchalant and in control.

Plus, we’re not even in the same state. It’s not like I can even do anything about it, but not call him. And that I can do. Even if I have to erase his number sometimes….! But honestly, the desire has gotten less and less….I have thought about him, especially if someone was to bring him up, but I’ve been okay. I have a focus now and some specific quantifiable goals in place.

And though I dislike (hate) talking about how everything will be okay in the future, I know once I start school, I’ll be in an even better place.

Letting Go

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ~ Philippians 4:6

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want in life, where I want to be, who I want to be with, etc.... And it has become increasingly clear that the reason I don't seem to be satisfied is because I have not truly surrendered to God. I'm still trying to control everything. So, among other things I'm taking a dating hiatus - no men till my 25th bday. I've finally realized that I'm not ready for the man I want God to send my way. I'm so incredibly far from where I ought to be - the only Man in my life right now needs to (be) Christ. Once I'm right with Him, everything else will fall into place.

I'm tired of being a mediocre Christian - one who consciously or subconsciously pats herself on the back for being a relatively "good" person. I'm a mess - spiritually, emotionally, and physically. A friend prayed that God would heal the brokenness - and now I'm echoing it.

Encouraging Words

A friend sent an email to me in response to some of my posts - and it is definitely a blessing that I would like to share with you....I pulled out some of it, hopefully she won't mind :OP!

I've realized how controlling I am of my future and plans for school and work but God already knows our thoughts even before we think about it.

Something to ponder about...perhaps you wanting to move all the time and "plan" your career is God saying, "Be patient and still, so that you can hear my voice and know the plans that I have for You." I know that you had mentioned about staying in Denver for about 2 months...I know that things that happen in our lives aren't just coincidence and that they were all about God's timing. (i.e. -----------maybe God is using you in -------- lives and they really need you to be in Denver-whether you realize it or not). Who knows? I'm obviously not God but lately God has been teaching me a lot about living for today.

Verses that apply to me right now:
"There are different ways God works in our lives, but it is the same God who does the work through all of us." 1 Cor 12:6

"Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you." Joshua 3:5

"Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble and always be prayerful." Rom 12:12

"Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is." Roman 12:2

Glimpses 3

Hmmmm....as am reading these, I realize that they get more and more personal - on one hand its liberating, but on the other it feels slightly uncomfortable to be so open about my issues....However, I've made the committment to be real - so here goes....

Okay, me again…lol…patience is not an easy thing! I know that God has a plan in store for me, but lately he constantly occupies my thoughts…. I was talking to my mom about it today and she had a good point. She told me not to lie to myself…obviously, I should know this by now….

But, the truth is that I don’t know what I am going to end up doing career wise…. And right now I would be willing to move to see if there is a chance for this relationship to go somewhere…and that makes me feel just a little pathetic. When it comes down to it, I am pretty old-fashioned – so I won’t do anything unless he suggests it – but that would take it to another level. Sigh….and quite honestly, though I am not fully sure of what level of commitment I want, I am even more scared of where he is in his life.

The fact is that we have both talked about getting our lives in order before even considering a relationship. But now, the relationship has changed and so have my expectations. However, reality still remains – I need to figure out what I am doing with my life!! And he has a lot going on for him right now as well….so, I really have to be patient.

The funny thing is, while God has assured me every step of the way, I am afraid that he just might lose interest! Lol – I know….i guess the fact that I have liked him off and on for such a long time causes me to question ‘does he really like me?’ lol….some serious insecurity….

What Time of Day Are You (Stolen From Vixen)

You Are Sunset

Even though you still may be young, you already feel like you've accomplished a lot in life.And you feel free to pave your own path now, and you're not even sure where it will take you.Maybe you'll pursue higher education in a subject you enjoy - or travel the world for a few years.Either way, you approach life with a relaxed, open attitude. And that will take you far!

What Time Of Day Are You?

My Journey to Brazil

Okay -

I'm interrupting the "glimpses" for some exciting news!!!!! First of all, I'm in Portland for my friends wedding --- I get to wear a sari! Yeah! But, even more importantly ....da, da, da, dum ---- I got my very first brazillian!!! LOL - it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be - and I'm liking it more and more everyday.....ladies, I definitely recommend trying it at least one!!
Tthat's all....nighty, night....