So, I was tagged by
CiC to write a letter to my 13 year-old self. I tried to keep it short, but thats up for you guys to decide. Anywho, it was definitely fun to write...if you get a chance you should do it...
Here goes:
Dear Young Idealistic and Self-Righteous Me,
The year is 1995. You’ve made it through your first half of freshman year. You thought you’d be miserable in a new state and school. But you’ve begun reinventing yourself. No one here knows anything about you. Soon you’ll have your first sip of Jack Daniels from your friend who has a stash of bottles in her room. In a couple of months you’ll be caught up in a huge school riot where your classmates are beating your teachers.
It’s scary, but you’ll find it interesting, so not like private school. The people are different and you are not teased and made fun of – here you find your place and hang out with totally random groups. You’re gonna play tennis soon, and later recall the games at Columbine and how you and your classmates used to envy them.
But as soon as that year ends you head back to California. You cry and promise to write your friends. Back to that private school where no one knows you’ve changed, and you quickly revert to that same totally awkward, shy girl. You’ll also get braces soon, which doesn’t help with the slouching, glasses and nerd moniker.
High school will fly by as your parents beg and borrow to keep you in Christian school – junior year at another public school and senior year back at the academy. The guys at church will call you the Ice Princess and other names. But you’ll wrap yourself up in self-righteousness and being a “good girl” because it helps you cope.
After graduation you go to Trinidad for your freshman year of college. It will be one of the best decisions you make. You lose the braces, cut the hair and fly off to the Caribbean. All of a sudden you are hot stuff – still shy, but American and exotic. You grow. You date. Meet a tortured soul poet right before you transfer to a college in Alabama.
But still – no first kiss. Make a pact with your cousin to get your kiss by the end of the semester. And you do. He’s 26, you’re 18. You’re bold. Excited. The next day you’ll decide that you don’t like him and tell him that this is not going to work.
For the next year or so you have fun. You totally enjoy school and your friends. You “talk” to different men. You are on this quest of turning guy friends into more. It never works, and you’re always losing friendships. But you’re still very much a prude.
You go back to Trinidad and meet up with the poet. Your minds connect and you have the greatest 2 weeks just being with him. Making out. Writing. He writes songs for you. Totally infatuated. Ignoring everything and everyone else. He gives you a “promise” ring. You’re 19. He’s 25. You think it’s perfect. He’s perfect. He’s not. He will subsequently try dating your sister and cursing you out in a very eloquent but terrible way. You’ll never talk to him again.
Almost immediately afterwards you start robbing the cradle with the juvenile. It will be fun for a while. But you know it will never last. Just enjoy the ride. You’ll also be interested in your best friend’s brother. Save yourself a huge amount of heartache and wasted years - leave him alone. He will not be good for you. Not only will your self-esteem be torn to shreds but partly because of him you visit the Asshole. The older married male cousin who unlocks the bathroom door while you’re in the shower and wants to have sex with you. This will not be a good time. But you’ll get through it. While losing a lot of your naiveté.
Fast forward to recent times. You’ve finished your MPH, worked for a while, traveled, jumped on a plane by yourself and stayed in Guatemala for a couple months, and grown. You’re no longer a strong adherent to the Christian faith. But you’re happy. Content. You’re in law school. I know – total shock. But you’ve come full circle and realized this is where you want to be.
You are about to embark on your first final in a couple days, while dealing with the fact that the guy you finally let introduce you to X doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. It’s tough. But you knew that from the outset. I still have to see how that plays out, but you’re strong.
Just know that being a people-pleaser is not a good thing. You have to live for yourself. Love yourself. Don’t allow other people’s opinions dictate what you do. Let go guilt for not living up to others standards. Be humble. Understanding. Trust yourself. You’re rarely wrong.
The great thing is, once you get to where I am now, you won’t have any regrets.
Live passionately and enjoy.
Love,
YOU
