Okay - so if you've seen those long, heart-felt depressing posts months ago, this is just to update - I'm over it...but here's some more stuff that I wrote...yeah, yeah, yeah...bear with it! Told ya I'm taking baby steps! Oh, completely random by the way...no particular beginning or end....
And the pain. Almost seemed surreal. Dry heaving, ripping you apart sort of pain you feel when you literally invest all of yourself in another person, and they say “Wow. All this for me? Great. Now fuck off.”
I remember when I was in college and was hurt by some guy (who makes a re-appearance later) and my dad was so sweet. He tried to talk to me about it. “How does your heart feel?” he asked. “Did he squeeze it, or break it?” And of course, I’m not remembering the wording correctly, because I have a terrible or terribly subjective memory, (take your pick) but it was a great analogy of sorts. “He squeezed it I guess. A little misshapen.”
But this? I visualize me, with eyes wide open and trusting, handing my beautiful, pulsating, almost glowing heart to a guy. And what does he do with my priceless gift? He says “Gee, thanks.” Hefts it for weight. Kind of bounces it around a bit. Throws it up in the air and catches it. And then, seeing that I’m a little tense at how he’s handling my fragile heart, cocks his head, looks me in the eye, and heaves it to the ground. He then proceeds to stomp on it with his right, then left foot, until he’s jumping on it with a sort of maniacal glee.
Obviously, my heart is not a rubber ball. And the results? Not pretty.
At first I was confused. Dazed really. Kind of in a numb, trance-like state. He doesn’t want me? And then I reasoned, he must be repressing his emotions because its all too much for him to handle. I mean, nothing else makes sense. Here I am, this totally amazing person. You must be crazy not to want me in your life.
But that’s what he was. A psycho nut-job.
Leave it to me to fall for him. Should have listened when he said he was one of the bad one’s. But no, that just drew me closer. Me and my stupid savior complex.
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