Road Rage

Okay - the MOST hilarious thing happened today. So, I'm driving to my doctor's appointment, chatting on the phone with my sister. I get to my exit - which is kinda strange - it merges with another street on the right. Anyway, there was another person coming up in this red truck with his indicator on - apparently trying to merge left while I was trying to merge right. And me, being the wonderfully polite person I am, decide to slow down and let him over.

Well, who told me to do that??? Next thing I know this dude stops immediately to my right blocking traffic and starts yelling at me. I'm surprised and like "what the hell?". Couldn't tell if it was a he or a she with a really bad mullet. But whatever...I keep on exiting. Dude pulls up behind me at the light and gets out of his car, yelliing some more. I'm still on the phone, roll my eyes and make sure that I lock my doors.

Anyway, long story short - I'm moseying along and he comes up besides me rolls down his window and gives me the most hilarious and extra "F you" I've EVER seen! Like his hand is totally extended and vibrating in his anger and his mouth opens like some aggravated wild boar.

So, what do I do? Do I return the finger, keep driving and ignore him? No. I pull up next to him and roll down my window. As I open my mouth, he screams "Why are you rolling down your window/pulling up to me", or some other variation - and I say - get this -

"I'm sorry. I thought you were changing lanes." As I shrug my shoulders, look on sadly with wide eyes, and wave contritely. You should've seen the look on this guys face. Classic. "Oh" - and a wave and he's off.

Alright - so I can't really describe it...but take my word - it was hella funny...

It's always so satisfying to "pour hot coals of fire on people's head"...lol...they usually feel like idiots... :O)

Live Passionately

Work like you don't need money. Love like you've never been hurt. And dance like no one's watching.

Okay - I know that I have to stop these morose posts...so here's the thing: a play cousin was supposed to get married this weekend. His fiance was graduating from med school this Saturday and the wedding was slated for Sunday. Well, her father just died of a heart attack today - totally unexpected. And to top it off, almost a couple hours later, one of her bridesmaids got hit by a semi on her way to the wedding and was killed instantly.

So - remember those lines in Hitch - Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.

Enjoy it!

You vs Me: Two Sides to Every Story

You know how you can’t ever tell someone something without making yourself look like the “good guy”? Why is that?

Even when I purposely try to take full responsibility and state my faults upfront I still end up appearing more genuine or mature than the other person. When deep down I know that is exactly how I want to come across. I want to be validated by whomever I’m talking to. And – if I state my faults first they are usually less likely to surprise and/or hurt me with their opinions of a situation. Either way – I seem in control and emotionally healthy. What is that all about anyway? Am I just so analytical and competitive that I have to see all angles of an issue before I talk about it???

Is it possible to truly denounce yourself? Or is it just a power trip? Knowing that by appearing to have truly thought an issue out and taking responsibility for your “not so good” actions that people in turn assume that you are admirable. (If you can unravel my meaning out of that last sentence please explain it to me). Or is this just me taking things too far?

I'm Back...

Hey all,

As some of you know I was in "The City" for a bit. It was great. The weather was absolutely gorgeous - not too hot, not too cold - just that middle of the road, gotta be outside weather.

I was there for a friends graduation. It was loooong and quite boring for the most part, but it did have some good parts...the main speaker was a guy named Larry Silverstein. An apparent billionaire who owns probably half of the city along with Trump. I guess he was the founder of the Masters in Real Estate at NYU - and he was/is the leaseholder for the WTC...yada yada yada...

Clearly, I never heard of him before their commencement, but his message was inspiring...and after reading the comments on my last post - I decided to share my newfound ...da da dadum...wait for it -----

OPTIMISM!

Lol...he talked about success and work ethic and how crucial it is to keep moving forward and being an optimist. Then he said something that felt like it was directed solely for me - He said, that the main thing that will hold you back and stop you from coming forward is - Cynicism...lol...yup, cyncism.

That cynics rarely are truly successful/happy with their lives because they are constantly complaining and masking it as reality. In his viewpoint, cynics can never be leaders because they have no message to give - just limitations. Well, that really hit home. Even my friend who was graduating said she thought of me when he made those remarks.

So, I'm announcing it here. I am doing my best to see the positive and live a more relaxed life. Of course, I don't think change comes over night, but I'm gonna do my best! (See extra exclamation points - I'm starting to the process already!) lol...

Show Me

(sigh) So I just got home and checked my email - I've been doing it almost incessantly while I'm waiting to hear back from some lenders - and anyway, I saw an email from the John Legend site....

Yes. I am in love with John. Particulary after seeing and hearing in concert. He's absolutely fabulous - and any naysayers can keep their opinion to themselves!

Okay - back to my story. I opened his site and saw a link to this which he spoke about during his concert. Here's the thing - it's incredibly moving, but I don't feel the same way I used to when I look at the pictures. It's beyond sad really.

I remember when I first started my graduate program I was so excited that I was going to change the world and make an enormous difference to hundreds of thousands lives. Eradicate poverty. Feed the hungry. Clothe the naked. Heal the sick. Alright, so I had a bit of a God-complex. But I was ready. Ready to do my part. Get in there and help out those in need.

My friends and I used to talk about the Chair of our department at the time. How she was so removed from the field and had lost her compassion. She had this hardened edge about her. She'd been doing global health work for about 30 years at the time. Extremely knowledgeable, but just, I don't know - hard.

I'm getting to my point - I promise. The thing is, after being in that program for a while - traveling to developing countries - learning and seeing the preventable poverty and unnecessary deaths - left me almost broken. I had an extremely hard time coping. As a result, I built up some sort of callous outlook. A numbness really. Knowing that no matter how much some individuals do - it's always going to be like this. Always going to be the rich versus the poor. The haves and the have-nots.

Sure - I can spout the altruistic notions of all of us working together and getting along - but it's not reality. We're out to take care of ourselves. Our loved ones. If we can help others on the way - great! But, usually not if it directly interferes with or takes away our needs, or wants. Which is why I do understand the human need for something more. A perfect afterlife - where all this corruption and hatred don't exist. I get it.

And now - I've almost completely gone of topic. My point is - that professor? I get her now too. It's not a pretty thing when idealism and naivete clash with reality. The problem is finding a balance. Not stopping because of all the depressing and horrendous things in the world, but moving forward regardless. Knowing that even if it's small, you made a difference in someones life.

Check out Vonumu International. It's a terrific and totally inexpensive way to help eduate some kids. And yes - they are reputable. One of my good friends knows them personally and they send you updates and information all the time...

Night all...

Dramamine

So, I realized yesterday that I get motion sickness. I knew that I had a slight case before on the winding roads of Madagascar (don't you love the sneaky way I put that in there?) - but I thought it was a one time thing.

So the idea of getting into a tiny Cessna with my mom and dad didn't faze me one bit. My dad recently got his pilot's license and was anxious to show us his skills by taking us for lunch in Fort Collins. Uh - for clarification purposes - Fort Collins is maybe a 2 to 3 hour drive from where we live - and I could be exaggerating greatly, but the point is we don't usually go there.

Anyway, going up wasn't frightening at all. It was a beautifully clear day and I could see how extremely flat Colorado is. Honestly, I was more concerned for my mom who is afraid of heights! Long story short - after maybe ten minutes of being bumped in the wind, I started sweating profusely and feeling like I wanted to throw up. I ended up putting back my seat, tuning out the radio and going to sleep. I woke up just as we were about to land.

The moral of the story? There is none. Next time I'll just take some Dramamine...

By the by, (what the hell does that mean???) in case you wanted to laugh or be offended - check this out...

Social Conditioning

I was thinking about how we are taught from birth what is acceptable and what isn’t. It came from a jumble of assorted things this week – including religion, my friend who just had a baby, and another interesting book I’m reading. And it dawned on me that almost everything we do is based on fear. Fear of not being accepted or gaining approval from our family, friends, and wider community.

The child learns that when it (sorry, the he/she thing is too cumbersome) puts its toys away they get an ensuing smile or pat on the back from the parents – and in some cases maybe even a gift, candy, etc… But if that same child throws food across the room or toys at someone’s head – they are punished – whether it’s as small as a frown, timeout, or a spanking.

This never stops. As we get older we usually conform to societal norms or rebel against them. Either way – we are still being controlled.

Anywho, I’ve been on this different mental tip for a while. It started with religion – recognizing that almost all major religions are based on being rewarded in the end. Basically, if I do A, B and C then I will get to heaven, paradise, nirvana, absolute peace, whatever it is – but if I don’t then I’m going to suffer and be completely miserable. Not saying some of the morals and values inherent in religion are bad, but the motivating force between the “organized” group is to scare people. Is it because that’s what we respond to? That if there were no “good” or “bad”, “heaven” or “hell” we wouldn’t be able to operate???

Just trying to recognize the real reason I do stuff – for me or other people?

Something to think about…

Credit, FICO and other Scores...

Sorry about the delay - I'll post something more substantial later, but just wanted to say that my credit score went up 30 points in less than a month - just by paying off my credit card!!!! Yippeeee!!!

Okay, so I'm a bit of a dork - but now I can get my place with 100% financing!!!! I wish they stressed how important credit was when I was younger....

Alright - I'm off to get my beauty treatments :O)!

Emotionally Stunted?

Only 15 percent of Americans admit to letting their feelings out often although 80 percent believe it’s healthy to do so. Letting it Out in America

Okay - so I have a problem. Again. I've realized that I don't grieve appropriately. Huh?

Let me explain. When things happen (sad, bad or unfortunate things) in my life or in the people I love I tend to mentally/emotionally disassociate. I'm there in person, but I'm not really there. I comfort and support, listen and talk, but I don't allow my true emotions out. And then - maybe a week or month later I feel overwhelmed and breakdown crying - usually in my car.

I've talked to countless friends and family about this and all, including myself, agree that I need to be more honest with feelings and not hold back. My question is how???? I always feel that my feelings are inconsequential when compared to some of the things they are going through - and that once again, I need to be the strong one. And yet, I know that I have to deal with things to be healthy as well....sigh...I need to learn how to let go. I've gotten better in my communication thing, but still not letting the emotions show.

Just kinda impassive until I'm alone. Hmmmm...any advice?

Door to Door Salespeople

Alright - so I may be a little naive or better yet, guilty. Two minority sales people came to my door yesterday - a male and a female. They were spouting the regular sales pitch, except that this was supposedly for helping the Inner City Youth. They showed me some papers in those plastic covers saying that they were bonafide independent contractors for a magazine service called Worldwide Reader Services based in Miami. Blah, blah, blah...

I was in a giving mood so I listened, plus they looked like they could use the help! But I didn't want any mags so I said I'd make a donation. I wrote two checks to the organization and gave it to them. After they left I mentally kicked myself - so I ran to my trusty laptop to look up the organization - but I only found one thing from google...so, I'm a bit worried. However, I felt good because I was supposed to send some books to my boys in India, but felt a bit lazy and didn't. This made me feel like I was a still a good person, etc...

Anyway, long story short - was I taken? Anyone else heard about this organization?? Should I make a stop payment on my checks???

My people, my people....

Tag - Your It!

Okay, so I've never done this before - but I've been tagged by Vixen to do the Gotta Get Goals Challenge so here it is....


Gotta Get Goals

1) Self-actualization. I want to fully know myself and grow to my full potential at each stage of life. I want to be completely happy and satisfied with my growth, and be more accepting to others in their growth. Not afraid of my defects and faults but accepting of them, and knowing that I can change. I can improve. I don’t have to stay the way I am. Above all, I want to be at peace – mentally, emotionally – being the best “me” I can be.

3) Family. I love and adore my family and I want my own. I want to be an AMAZING daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, friend, wife and mother. I want a husband, children and a wonderful home. Somewhere filled with love and warmth – a place where guests always feel welcome and comfortable. I want to learn to cook all sort of meals and do it regularly – to host and entertain – to take my children and their friends to games and plays, etc… To leave the kids with the grandparents, aunt or my cousins for a bit while I whisk the husband away on a sensual and adventure filled trip.

2) Spontaneous. I need to increase my spontaneity. I find that as I get older I get more anxious and controlling. I don’t want to be bogged down too much by being “responsible”. Life’s too short. I want to be able to easily say “yes” without putting too much thought into it. To go with the flow some more and relax and enjoy my time here. I want to sing and dance in the rain more. To skip down the street in my slippers. To sing off-key as loud as I want. To dance like no ones watching. To fly somewhere for the weekend – just because.

3) Philanthropist. Which of course means that I want to be more than wealthy! I want to have enough money to aid those in need. Whether it is my fam, friends, or strangers. Most of all, I want my money to help educate others – particularly in developing countries. Besides doing my part to eradicate poverty and hunger I want to give children, who otherwise wouldn’t have it, a chance at something better. I want to open up opportunities for the hopeless and marginalized. Education for the underserved communities out there struggling to survive. More than giving food or clothing I want to give hope. Hope that tomorrow can be better. That their children can do more and have more than themselves. That all is not lost. That though life has its depressing moments its filled with beautiful ones.

4) Frequent Traveler. I absolutely ADORE traveling!!! I love to see new places and learn about different cultures. There is something about our differences and yet many similarities that totally invigorates me. I want to be able to jet off to any country for a week without stressing about the job or money, etc…. Just get away and experience something different. I thrive on change and new experiences.

5) Author and Speaker. I’ve been reading and writing ever since I can remember. Reading was always a wonderful escape for me, especially those wonderful Garwood and McNaught novels, as Vixen can attest! As for the writing, it was always more personal. I had a hard time sharing – wondering if others would “get” what I was trying to say, if they’d appreciate it or like it. But, I’ve finally come to the place where I write regardless of approval or accolades. I want to be honest in what I’m feeling and give a voice to those who don’t feel like they can share the same/similar sentiments. But I also want to motivate and encourage in my writing and speaking – just letting others know that whatever it is, none of us are alone.

6) Guitar. I want to master the guitar! I’ve had one since I was twelve but never continued my lessons after my first year. I want to get to the point where I can just pick it up and play. No more struggling with bar chords and strumming techniques. I want to be so good that it just flows…like this guy (I shamelessly took this from Metheus)

7) Consistency. I want – no I NEED to learn some follow-through. There are certain things in work and academia that I have no problem finishing, but in other aspects of my life I get to a certain point and then stop. Procrastination for absolutely no reason. I want to be known for my commitment and ability to stick with something all the way – whether it is a project or a relationship.

8) Happiness. I want a world where we all operate of love and respect for one another. There’s so much unnecessary pain and anguish in the world. I want everyone to be able to experience as much happiness as possible – so that they can perpetuate it and give their joy the coming generations. I want a place where if we see or sense each other hurting we reach out and connect with each other – sharing, crying, and laughing together. So that no one feels alone.

Those are my top 8! Hmmmm.....now I'm gonna tag the following:

Counselor in Cultivation
My Metheus
Priya
Disjointed Wavelengths
Keeping Up Appearances
(Maybe this will encourage the last two to actually blog again!)

Love and All that Jazz...

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."- Robert Frost

I'm in a kind of melancholy mood..."waxing romantic" I guess...

It's difficult being single sometimes...the lonliness can be stifling...sometimes I just want to lean on someone physically and emotionally...not always having to be so "strong" and seem like I have a everything together...quite frankly, I don't...

Plus, I've realized that I have to stop calling my guy friends when I'm in this sort of mood...it doesn't help things at all...I've already gotten myself into trouble talking to male friends when I'm emotional...lol...

So, I just have to take a deep breath, wait a few moments till the intenseness (word?) of the feeling passes and move on...

In Memoriam...

I was traveling yesterday, and didn't hear till I got back to Denver...I can't fathom the pain and confusion that everyone involved is going through...

Lakers vs Nuggets

So last night I went to the Pepsi Center with three friends to see the Lakers play the Denver Nuggets...and though I do live in Denver now, I wasn't sure who I was going to root for...

Hilarious thing - everytime that Kobe touched the ball, the whole stadium erupted into BOOOS....everytime! LOL - it cracked me up...I even found myself feeling a little sorry for the guy...

Anyway, the Nuggets won - 114 to 111...very close game...actually, they would of lost if Kobe wasn't so intimidated by the crowd - he took at least 20 shots and only made like 7...lol...he did not bring his A-game...according to the announcer - the Lakers couldn't handle the 5,280 Altitude!

I love that AI, Camby and Melo are on the same team...but they really need to work on some stuff...this is their second time beating the Lakers, but they could do SOOOO much better...

GO NUGS!!! :O)

Facing Reality

Peeling Back the Layers

So, I'm re-reading this amazing book called "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?" It talks about our fears as humans, methods of ego-defense and the likes. Basically, it's about personal growth. It's interesting, 'cause I just wrote this about a week ago:

You know how the things you are usually most angry about, are the characteristics that you portray the most? Why is that? It’s irritating. I’ve realized that I tend to see the world negatively and in a cynical light rather than a positive one. It’s something I’ve been aware about for some time now. Years even.

The problem with this is that I automatically assume that people’s motivations are inherently selfish. After all, we all want to take care of ourselves, right? Or is it? There is another school of thought that adheres to the belief that people are relatively good.

Is it because my naiveté and idealism has been crushed by reality? And now I’m almost completely jaded? Of course, I cover it up with being “realistic”, but how can I truly be happy if I’m always seeing the bad instead of the good?

I guess I'm just "projecting" my negativity on others....lol...I'm the selfish one! Honestly, this is a FABULOUS book that EVERYONE should read. It's totally short, clear and brutally honest in its assesment!

In other news, I'm going to law school!!!!! YIPPEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol...I know, I know...I just got a little excited thinking about it :O) And Nashville no longer sounds like a bummer - especially since they have like 5 universities in the area...oh, and did I mention that Vandy is now ranked #16 in the nation - right under UCLA - so no more wondering about moving anywhere else....

Here's hoping the men are attractive and plentiful!

April Fools

So, I was writing about the extremely emotionally charged Sunday I had, but the jokes on me. I got really angry about a misunderstanding, and on deeper inspection realized it had nothing to do with “the situation”, but totally with me. And on even further analysis, I realized that though I thought I’ve dealt with a particular issue, I still have a lot of anger, and yes, even resentment, towards “them”. They who will remain nameless…lol…

Thing is, I put myself in a position to be the emotional bulwark – rock if you will. I tried being supportive and listening, etc…. all the while, acknowledging my own hurt, but not the extent of my anger. I justified my behavior by saying it had nothing to do with it. And in essence, it doesn’t – but in reality, it does affect me. Greatly. For better or worse.

I realize that I’m still in “protect” mode. And I lashed out because I was unable to openly express my feelings earlier, out of respect and their wishes. It upset me. Almost like I wasn’t supposed to work it out on my own. I know that they had to work it out first. So, I kept as quiet as possible. But then that long absence exacerbated my angst. Plus, everything seemed to fall apart immediately. I was stressed. And angry that I had to deal with their stuff. Once again, I had to hold it all together. But, I was going crazy. Having an anxiety attack at least once every two weeks.

In retrospect, I am aware that I chose to take that position. It wasn’t necessary. I chalk it up to my “peacemaker”, “people-pleaser” personality.

The wonderful thing is that since my “outburst” – they’ve been extremely supportive. Letting me do my thing. But I still feel a twinge of guilt when I see how sorry he is…and I guess we need to talk again…

The Last King of Scotland

I just finished watching “The Last King of Scotland” with my dad. Wow. To say I’m disturbed is a huge understatement. Not just because of the depiction of Idi Amin, but because of the cycle of violence often found in some African countries.

It’s sad because while the Western world has in large part dealt with the growing pains of violence and establishing laws and regulations, these countries are still fighting for independence and control. And because we – and when I say “we”, I mean the so-called “civilized” world – have already attained what they are fighting to have, we can’t allow the violence to go unchecked.

The unfortunate thing is that I truly think the men in power start off with good ideas. They want what’s best for the country, etc… However, once they realize the dangers of being in such a position they fight back and lose sight of their goals. Obviously, this is only my opinion, and things are much more complex than that – but where is the solution? How do encourage people to embrace democracy and other “enlightened” ideas when they are hungry? Dying from preventable communicable diseases? Fleeing for their lives?

There is such a wealth of understandable anger and hatred. Can it be solved?

Music City

So, I am almost 100% positive that I'll be moving to Nashville in the coming months...and actually, I'm getting more excited. At first I was totally bummed - back to the South! lol...but I'm sure Vandy will be great. Plus, I already have friends in the area - so all is not lost...!

Red Bull Gives You Wings!

Ummm....I just a saw a red bull commercial and just cracked up - the one with the daschund and great dane looking dog...utterly hilarious!! So anyway I was looking for it online to post and show you guys, BUT I couldn't find it...this is what came up instead -

http://www.haloxl.com/redbull.html


I almost gagged and laughed at the same time....