The Media

So I'm watching Fox news while I'm eating dinner, and of course, like every other news channel they are talking about the Blagojevich (have no clue if that's the correct spelling) scandal and possible Obama ties. And then of course they bring up Rezko.

Blagojevich
Obama
Rezko

Hmmmm....I wonder if "cornbread" Americans are a little appalled that the country is going to foreigners....incidentally they spell BOR...I'm clearly doing anything to avoid finals...

wow

there are simply no words

VagMons!!!!

So, I'm going to be in the Vagina Monologues! Woooohoooo!!! Didn't have a clue about what it really was before I auditioned, but whatever. It's totally amazing and the cast is great too! Anywho - supposed to be working on my seminar paper...due on Monday...and has to be completely overhauled...joy joy...

Snacking on Antacids

Okay - so if you've seen those long, heart-felt depressing posts months ago, this is just to update - I'm over it...but here's some more stuff that I wrote...yeah, yeah, yeah...bear with it! Told ya I'm taking baby steps! Oh, completely random by the way...no particular beginning or end....

And the pain. Almost seemed surreal. Dry heaving, ripping you apart sort of pain you feel when you literally invest all of yourself in another person, and they say “Wow. All this for me? Great. Now fuck off.”

I remember when I was in college and was hurt by some guy (who makes a re-appearance later) and my dad was so sweet. He tried to talk to me about it. “How does your heart feel?” he asked. “Did he squeeze it, or break it?” And of course, I’m not remembering the wording correctly, because I have a terrible or terribly subjective memory, (take your pick) but it was a great analogy of sorts. “He squeezed it I guess. A little misshapen.”

But this? I visualize me, with eyes wide open and trusting, handing my beautiful, pulsating, almost glowing heart to a guy. And what does he do with my priceless gift? He says “Gee, thanks.” Hefts it for weight. Kind of bounces it around a bit. Throws it up in the air and catches it. And then, seeing that I’m a little tense at how he’s handling my fragile heart, cocks his head, looks me in the eye, and heaves it to the ground. He then proceeds to stomp on it with his right, then left foot, until he’s jumping on it with a sort of maniacal glee.

Obviously, my heart is not a rubber ball. And the results? Not pretty.

At first I was confused. Dazed really. Kind of in a numb, trance-like state. He doesn’t want me? And then I reasoned, he must be repressing his emotions because its all too much for him to handle. I mean, nothing else makes sense. Here I am, this totally amazing person. You must be crazy not to want me in your life.

But that’s what he was. A psycho nut-job.

Leave it to me to fall for him. Should have listened when he said he was one of the bad one’s. But no, that just drew me closer. Me and my stupid savior complex.

I'm Sprung

Just a little or a lot actually....hmmmmm....it's a delicious feeling...will tell more later...!

Baby Steps

Someone said show me your friends, and I’ll show you your character. But my friends are all completely different. What does that tell me other then the fact that I see life in shades of gray? That black and white are for the most part an illusion? That outside of inequality and injustice, there is very little to pretend I’m right about?

Freedom

It's time for me to once access my creative muse. May as well start here! Again. For the umpteempth time.

Vent

I find it amazing that I want to be around you so much, and yet I’m cognizant of the fact that you don’t feel the same. I want to reach out. Touch. Hold. Spend time with. But for what? I can’t help but see you as a reminder of my shortcomings. As a woman. Friend. Lover. Whatever. And you….hmmm….you are not capable of being what I want. Right? At least that’s what you’ve said. So, I’m torn between this inescapable conundrum of avoiding and yearning. Paradoxically, loving and hating the way I feel around you – about you. Struggling to maintain my façade. My game face as it were. Not showing the pain when your name comes up. Not showing the irrational jealousy that consumes me when I see you with another woman. Laughing. Touching. Hugging. Talking. Anything I’m no longer privy to. I definitely didn’t know it would be this hard. This difficult. Seeing you hurts. It reminds me of what we once had and what will never be. I have to let go. But it’s difficult. Difficult because you were my best friend of sorts. I have so many stories to share, things to laugh at, issues to discuss. But you’re not here. You said you would be. Said it’s on me. But I don’t think you’re capable of it either. I miss your touch. I want you to hold me while I cry about what a jerk you are. Want you to comfort me while I rant about how much you hurt me. But I don’t want to be that girl. And I don’t want to be so consumed with myself that I over burden you. You who have your own issues. And so I’m torn. Constantly fighting myself. Questioning myself. Wondering whether my underlying reasons are sound or just completely selfish.

I’m sorry about our friendship. Sorry that it’s gone. Sorry that I don’t completely regret what happened. Sorry that I can’t get over you that quickly. Sorry that I’m hurting. But most of all I’m sorry that it’s over.

Goodbye Blogger (For Now)

Hey - to those of you who still read this - I'm pretty much done blogging for now. Not because I don't have stories (I do!) but I just don't feel like it anymore...hmmmm....so, for my 1 or 2 diehard fans hoping I post something new...I probably won't for a while...


And - I don't know how long "a while" is going to be! So, in the words of one of my favorite authors -

Sunday Morning

I'm up. Working on a brief due Monday. I refuse to work on it all day Sunday...so went to the library around 7:30pm. What a way to spend Saturday night...

Anywho, I'm in surprisingly good spirits considering the time and my last post. My Google quote of the day is

"How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct." - Disraeli

Rang a chord with me. Negativity never really got anyone anywhere. Well, except Sylvia Plath and the like...Hmmm....am I bipolar? lol...

GO GIANTS!!!! Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Patriots.....perfection is soooo overrated....lol...

More

Didn't think it would hurt this much. Or consume me this much. I like to tell myself that it will pass with time. And I'm sure it will. Eventually. But now.

Now it hurts. Hurts to realize that things have to change. Can't live in my dream world anymore. Have to let go. The tragic thing is that I don't know how much not being enough and loneliness contribute to my feelings.

Rejection. Couched in other terms. Feels the same. I just can't seem to get it right. I trust. Believe. Hope. Try to go with the flow. But it doesn't matter.

I want to be able to inspire passion. Companionship. Fun. Comfort. I just want to be loved. Just like everyone else I suppose. And of course, the ones you want never want you back, while there are others who would love to have your attention. Saying all the things you wish he was saying. But isn't.

I don't want to become calloused. Don't want to say "f$ck it" and settle for someone I don't want. I'm tired of being Ms. Commitment Phobe addicted to Mr. Unavailable.

I want more.

Random Cartoons

GRADES!!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........................................................................

Nothing Better to Do

Well, the holidays were good. Too short. Of course. And now back to school.... I'm now getting the "not caring" attitude. Actually - I already have it. It's great seeing everyone and hanging out, but studying??? Annoying.

One bright spot - going boarding this weekend. Classmate is celebrating her 25th in the mountains...kinda exciting. Nice to get away (even though I just got back). Anywho - life is far from interesting at this point. Or better yet, too interesting to write down ;o).

Oh, and do parents ever stop trying to guilt-trip you???!!! Mine are so incredibly irritating. Do they really think they can scare me into adhering to their belief system? Blah.

Did I mention that I'm a Leanne Rimes fan? Love her new CD.