Social Conditioning

I was thinking about how we are taught from birth what is acceptable and what isn’t. It came from a jumble of assorted things this week – including religion, my friend who just had a baby, and another interesting book I’m reading. And it dawned on me that almost everything we do is based on fear. Fear of not being accepted or gaining approval from our family, friends, and wider community.

The child learns that when it (sorry, the he/she thing is too cumbersome) puts its toys away they get an ensuing smile or pat on the back from the parents – and in some cases maybe even a gift, candy, etc… But if that same child throws food across the room or toys at someone’s head – they are punished – whether it’s as small as a frown, timeout, or a spanking.

This never stops. As we get older we usually conform to societal norms or rebel against them. Either way – we are still being controlled.

Anywho, I’ve been on this different mental tip for a while. It started with religion – recognizing that almost all major religions are based on being rewarded in the end. Basically, if I do A, B and C then I will get to heaven, paradise, nirvana, absolute peace, whatever it is – but if I don’t then I’m going to suffer and be completely miserable. Not saying some of the morals and values inherent in religion are bad, but the motivating force between the “organized” group is to scare people. Is it because that’s what we respond to? That if there were no “good” or “bad”, “heaven” or “hell” we wouldn’t be able to operate???

Just trying to recognize the real reason I do stuff – for me or other people?

Something to think about…

Credit, FICO and other Scores...

Sorry about the delay - I'll post something more substantial later, but just wanted to say that my credit score went up 30 points in less than a month - just by paying off my credit card!!!! Yippeeee!!!

Okay, so I'm a bit of a dork - but now I can get my place with 100% financing!!!! I wish they stressed how important credit was when I was younger....

Alright - I'm off to get my beauty treatments :O)!

Emotionally Stunted?

Only 15 percent of Americans admit to letting their feelings out often although 80 percent believe it’s healthy to do so. Letting it Out in America

Okay - so I have a problem. Again. I've realized that I don't grieve appropriately. Huh?

Let me explain. When things happen (sad, bad or unfortunate things) in my life or in the people I love I tend to mentally/emotionally disassociate. I'm there in person, but I'm not really there. I comfort and support, listen and talk, but I don't allow my true emotions out. And then - maybe a week or month later I feel overwhelmed and breakdown crying - usually in my car.

I've talked to countless friends and family about this and all, including myself, agree that I need to be more honest with feelings and not hold back. My question is how???? I always feel that my feelings are inconsequential when compared to some of the things they are going through - and that once again, I need to be the strong one. And yet, I know that I have to deal with things to be healthy as well....sigh...I need to learn how to let go. I've gotten better in my communication thing, but still not letting the emotions show.

Just kinda impassive until I'm alone. Hmmmm...any advice?

Door to Door Salespeople

Alright - so I may be a little naive or better yet, guilty. Two minority sales people came to my door yesterday - a male and a female. They were spouting the regular sales pitch, except that this was supposedly for helping the Inner City Youth. They showed me some papers in those plastic covers saying that they were bonafide independent contractors for a magazine service called Worldwide Reader Services based in Miami. Blah, blah, blah...

I was in a giving mood so I listened, plus they looked like they could use the help! But I didn't want any mags so I said I'd make a donation. I wrote two checks to the organization and gave it to them. After they left I mentally kicked myself - so I ran to my trusty laptop to look up the organization - but I only found one thing from google...so, I'm a bit worried. However, I felt good because I was supposed to send some books to my boys in India, but felt a bit lazy and didn't. This made me feel like I was a still a good person, etc...

Anyway, long story short - was I taken? Anyone else heard about this organization?? Should I make a stop payment on my checks???

My people, my people....

Tag - Your It!

Okay, so I've never done this before - but I've been tagged by Vixen to do the Gotta Get Goals Challenge so here it is....


Gotta Get Goals

1) Self-actualization. I want to fully know myself and grow to my full potential at each stage of life. I want to be completely happy and satisfied with my growth, and be more accepting to others in their growth. Not afraid of my defects and faults but accepting of them, and knowing that I can change. I can improve. I don’t have to stay the way I am. Above all, I want to be at peace – mentally, emotionally – being the best “me” I can be.

3) Family. I love and adore my family and I want my own. I want to be an AMAZING daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, friend, wife and mother. I want a husband, children and a wonderful home. Somewhere filled with love and warmth – a place where guests always feel welcome and comfortable. I want to learn to cook all sort of meals and do it regularly – to host and entertain – to take my children and their friends to games and plays, etc… To leave the kids with the grandparents, aunt or my cousins for a bit while I whisk the husband away on a sensual and adventure filled trip.

2) Spontaneous. I need to increase my spontaneity. I find that as I get older I get more anxious and controlling. I don’t want to be bogged down too much by being “responsible”. Life’s too short. I want to be able to easily say “yes” without putting too much thought into it. To go with the flow some more and relax and enjoy my time here. I want to sing and dance in the rain more. To skip down the street in my slippers. To sing off-key as loud as I want. To dance like no ones watching. To fly somewhere for the weekend – just because.

3) Philanthropist. Which of course means that I want to be more than wealthy! I want to have enough money to aid those in need. Whether it is my fam, friends, or strangers. Most of all, I want my money to help educate others – particularly in developing countries. Besides doing my part to eradicate poverty and hunger I want to give children, who otherwise wouldn’t have it, a chance at something better. I want to open up opportunities for the hopeless and marginalized. Education for the underserved communities out there struggling to survive. More than giving food or clothing I want to give hope. Hope that tomorrow can be better. That their children can do more and have more than themselves. That all is not lost. That though life has its depressing moments its filled with beautiful ones.

4) Frequent Traveler. I absolutely ADORE traveling!!! I love to see new places and learn about different cultures. There is something about our differences and yet many similarities that totally invigorates me. I want to be able to jet off to any country for a week without stressing about the job or money, etc…. Just get away and experience something different. I thrive on change and new experiences.

5) Author and Speaker. I’ve been reading and writing ever since I can remember. Reading was always a wonderful escape for me, especially those wonderful Garwood and McNaught novels, as Vixen can attest! As for the writing, it was always more personal. I had a hard time sharing – wondering if others would “get” what I was trying to say, if they’d appreciate it or like it. But, I’ve finally come to the place where I write regardless of approval or accolades. I want to be honest in what I’m feeling and give a voice to those who don’t feel like they can share the same/similar sentiments. But I also want to motivate and encourage in my writing and speaking – just letting others know that whatever it is, none of us are alone.

6) Guitar. I want to master the guitar! I’ve had one since I was twelve but never continued my lessons after my first year. I want to get to the point where I can just pick it up and play. No more struggling with bar chords and strumming techniques. I want to be so good that it just flows…like this guy (I shamelessly took this from Metheus)

7) Consistency. I want – no I NEED to learn some follow-through. There are certain things in work and academia that I have no problem finishing, but in other aspects of my life I get to a certain point and then stop. Procrastination for absolutely no reason. I want to be known for my commitment and ability to stick with something all the way – whether it is a project or a relationship.

8) Happiness. I want a world where we all operate of love and respect for one another. There’s so much unnecessary pain and anguish in the world. I want everyone to be able to experience as much happiness as possible – so that they can perpetuate it and give their joy the coming generations. I want a place where if we see or sense each other hurting we reach out and connect with each other – sharing, crying, and laughing together. So that no one feels alone.

Those are my top 8! Hmmmm.....now I'm gonna tag the following:

Counselor in Cultivation
My Metheus
Priya
Disjointed Wavelengths
Keeping Up Appearances
(Maybe this will encourage the last two to actually blog again!)

Love and All that Jazz...

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."- Robert Frost

I'm in a kind of melancholy mood..."waxing romantic" I guess...

It's difficult being single sometimes...the lonliness can be stifling...sometimes I just want to lean on someone physically and emotionally...not always having to be so "strong" and seem like I have a everything together...quite frankly, I don't...

Plus, I've realized that I have to stop calling my guy friends when I'm in this sort of mood...it doesn't help things at all...I've already gotten myself into trouble talking to male friends when I'm emotional...lol...

So, I just have to take a deep breath, wait a few moments till the intenseness (word?) of the feeling passes and move on...

In Memoriam...

I was traveling yesterday, and didn't hear till I got back to Denver...I can't fathom the pain and confusion that everyone involved is going through...

Lakers vs Nuggets

So last night I went to the Pepsi Center with three friends to see the Lakers play the Denver Nuggets...and though I do live in Denver now, I wasn't sure who I was going to root for...

Hilarious thing - everytime that Kobe touched the ball, the whole stadium erupted into BOOOS....everytime! LOL - it cracked me up...I even found myself feeling a little sorry for the guy...

Anyway, the Nuggets won - 114 to 111...very close game...actually, they would of lost if Kobe wasn't so intimidated by the crowd - he took at least 20 shots and only made like 7...lol...he did not bring his A-game...according to the announcer - the Lakers couldn't handle the 5,280 Altitude!

I love that AI, Camby and Melo are on the same team...but they really need to work on some stuff...this is their second time beating the Lakers, but they could do SOOOO much better...

GO NUGS!!! :O)

Facing Reality

Peeling Back the Layers

So, I'm re-reading this amazing book called "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?" It talks about our fears as humans, methods of ego-defense and the likes. Basically, it's about personal growth. It's interesting, 'cause I just wrote this about a week ago:

You know how the things you are usually most angry about, are the characteristics that you portray the most? Why is that? It’s irritating. I’ve realized that I tend to see the world negatively and in a cynical light rather than a positive one. It’s something I’ve been aware about for some time now. Years even.

The problem with this is that I automatically assume that people’s motivations are inherently selfish. After all, we all want to take care of ourselves, right? Or is it? There is another school of thought that adheres to the belief that people are relatively good.

Is it because my naiveté and idealism has been crushed by reality? And now I’m almost completely jaded? Of course, I cover it up with being “realistic”, but how can I truly be happy if I’m always seeing the bad instead of the good?

I guess I'm just "projecting" my negativity on others....lol...I'm the selfish one! Honestly, this is a FABULOUS book that EVERYONE should read. It's totally short, clear and brutally honest in its assesment!

In other news, I'm going to law school!!!!! YIPPEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol...I know, I know...I just got a little excited thinking about it :O) And Nashville no longer sounds like a bummer - especially since they have like 5 universities in the area...oh, and did I mention that Vandy is now ranked #16 in the nation - right under UCLA - so no more wondering about moving anywhere else....

Here's hoping the men are attractive and plentiful!

April Fools

So, I was writing about the extremely emotionally charged Sunday I had, but the jokes on me. I got really angry about a misunderstanding, and on deeper inspection realized it had nothing to do with “the situation”, but totally with me. And on even further analysis, I realized that though I thought I’ve dealt with a particular issue, I still have a lot of anger, and yes, even resentment, towards “them”. They who will remain nameless…lol…

Thing is, I put myself in a position to be the emotional bulwark – rock if you will. I tried being supportive and listening, etc…. all the while, acknowledging my own hurt, but not the extent of my anger. I justified my behavior by saying it had nothing to do with it. And in essence, it doesn’t – but in reality, it does affect me. Greatly. For better or worse.

I realize that I’m still in “protect” mode. And I lashed out because I was unable to openly express my feelings earlier, out of respect and their wishes. It upset me. Almost like I wasn’t supposed to work it out on my own. I know that they had to work it out first. So, I kept as quiet as possible. But then that long absence exacerbated my angst. Plus, everything seemed to fall apart immediately. I was stressed. And angry that I had to deal with their stuff. Once again, I had to hold it all together. But, I was going crazy. Having an anxiety attack at least once every two weeks.

In retrospect, I am aware that I chose to take that position. It wasn’t necessary. I chalk it up to my “peacemaker”, “people-pleaser” personality.

The wonderful thing is that since my “outburst” – they’ve been extremely supportive. Letting me do my thing. But I still feel a twinge of guilt when I see how sorry he is…and I guess we need to talk again…

The Last King of Scotland

I just finished watching “The Last King of Scotland” with my dad. Wow. To say I’m disturbed is a huge understatement. Not just because of the depiction of Idi Amin, but because of the cycle of violence often found in some African countries.

It’s sad because while the Western world has in large part dealt with the growing pains of violence and establishing laws and regulations, these countries are still fighting for independence and control. And because we – and when I say “we”, I mean the so-called “civilized” world – have already attained what they are fighting to have, we can’t allow the violence to go unchecked.

The unfortunate thing is that I truly think the men in power start off with good ideas. They want what’s best for the country, etc… However, once they realize the dangers of being in such a position they fight back and lose sight of their goals. Obviously, this is only my opinion, and things are much more complex than that – but where is the solution? How do encourage people to embrace democracy and other “enlightened” ideas when they are hungry? Dying from preventable communicable diseases? Fleeing for their lives?

There is such a wealth of understandable anger and hatred. Can it be solved?