Clouds over Blue

Luck be a Lady and/or Fickle

2009-12-20T22:23:00.004-06:00

So, I know I totally said the blog was dark....and it probably is going to stay that way, but I may change my mind every now and again...forgot how much I enjoyed it! Have absolutely nothing of merit to say now, but that may change..... ;-)!

Follow my new blog Snacking on Antacids.

Reflections

2009-06-16T00:02:00.002-05:00

Some people are quick to ridicule faithful religious adherents. But me? I envy them. Envy the ability to believe that there is something out there just for you – a plan or a specific place. Its comforting aspect cannot be overstated. The mental peace that comes with having a direction for your life is amazing. I know. I used to believe. Strongly. Wholeheartedly.

And though I don’t regret where I am now, sometimes I wish for simpler times. Complete faith. It reminds me of childhood – how my parents took care of everything – clothing, food, shelter. I may have wanted more or different stuff, but my basic physical needs were met without me worrying about them. They just were there.

It was this great community that I belonged to. It gave me an identity, an instant support group, friends. Kind of like a gang. It was a constant thing. I could go to church every week and if I wanted more Wednesday and Friday nights too. I could participate in a culture that I was a part of. There was a wonderful sense of belonging and love. Even if I didn’t get along with everyone and vice versa we all shared something in common – our faith.

And now, life is more complicated. I used to think the phrase “ignorance is bliss” was the most ridiculous statement ever. But I get it. I can’t change how I feel, what I know or who I am. I can go through the motions, but the connection is gone.

I still like going to church. Not for the sermons (no offense to my pastor friends!) but because of the fellowship. It’s nostalgic, comforting, and fun. Provides the familial aspect that I miss. I even wanted to get involved at one point – teach Sabbath school – but then I realized that it’s more than slightly hypocritical to teach what you don’t really believe. And so I don’t. But it’s hard.

Especially the friends’ part. You always expect opposition from your parents – completely normal. But when your friends say they’re worried and praying for you? Lol…it’s a totally different experience. Still, I completely appreciate it. And the amazing thing? My parents are more supportive than some of my friends. Who knew?

I still pray – though sometimes it’s more like talking to myself and hoping someone is listening. I haven’t completely given up on the idea of God. If I’m scared, deliriously happy, or just plain miserable I reach out. The truth is I don’t know whether He or She or It exists in the way I was taught. I have serious doubts. Same thing naturally extends to heaven or hell. Seems more likely that it’s been taught for centuries to keep people in line, behave a certain way for reward or escape retribution.

I don’t want to do something because I’m scared or want a crown and my own mansion. I want to do it because it’s the right thing to do. And I think that’s where religions are great – pretty much all of them have the same basic moral code – be good to your fellow man. That’s great stuff. Unfortunately it doesn’t just stop there.

Maybe I’m too blessed. Too educated. Too jaded. Have had too much time to think about it. Maybe I need to have an uber traumatic experience to bring me back into the fold. I probably have to hit rock bottom or the bottom of the barrel or something to realize the truth. I certainly don’t have the answers. I feel unsettled, uncomfortable, and slightly scared about where my life is going. It would be so much easier if I just believed like I used to.

But I don’t.

2009-03-11T12:13:00.001-05:00

hmmmmm....so video didn't post or apparently upload...

Fighting with Your Food

2009-03-11T10:30:00.003-05:00

So - um...ignore my chubby and obviously un-pedicured feet! Anywho, for the first time in my life I actually considered getting a YouTube account. Surprising. Especially considering that we talk about it incessantly in copyright class!

Hope you enjoy my low quality video!

Tyler March

2009-03-08T22:26:00.002-05:00

I have a new black male in my life.

Surprising right? He's a cutie, totally affectionate, and loves to spend time with me! The down side is he's kinda stubborn. Make that extremely stubborn. Plus, he wakes me up at least twice a night. Kinda annoying for a girl who lives to sleep.

But anyway, I wrote this because I realized why people who have dogs live longer and happier/healthier lives than those that don't. It isn't just the fact that they love you unconditionally. I think the most important factor is that you can talk to them.

That's it. You can talk to him/her, and not feel like a crazy moron for talking out loud by yourself. Totally helps your sanity.

The Curious Case of Pedoephilia

2009-01-03T14:42:00.002-06:00

Yeah - you heard me. Totally disturbing. Probably gonna win some awards...but kinda strange...

The Media

2008-12-15T20:18:00.003-06:00

So I'm watching Fox news while I'm eating dinner, and of course, like every other news channel they are talking about the Blagojevich (have no clue if that's the correct spelling) scandal and possible Obama ties. And then of course they bring up Rezko.

Blagojevich
Obama
Rezko

Hmmmm....I wonder if "cornbread" Americans are a little appalled that the country is going to foreigners....incidentally they spell BOR...I'm clearly doing anything to avoid finals...

wow

2008-12-14T20:24:00.001-06:00

there are simply no words

VagMons!!!!

2008-12-13T20:54:00.002-06:00

So, I'm going to be in the Vagina Monologues! Woooohoooo!!! Didn't have a clue about what it really was before I auditioned, but whatever. It's totally amazing and the cast is great too! Anywho - supposed to be working on my seminar paper...due on Monday...and has to be completely overhauled...joy joy...

Snacking on Antacids

2008-12-13T02:17:00.004-06:00

Okay - so if you've seen those long, heart-felt depressing posts months ago, this is just to update - I'm over it...but here's some more stuff that I wrote...yeah, yeah, yeah...bear with it! Told ya I'm taking baby steps! Oh, completely random by the way...no particular beginning or end....

And the pain. Almost seemed surreal. Dry heaving, ripping you apart sort of pain you feel when you literally invest all of yourself in another person, and they say “Wow. All this for me? Great. Now fuck off.”

I remember when I was in college and was hurt by some guy (who makes a re-appearance later) and my dad was so sweet. He tried to talk to me about it. “How does your heart feel?” he asked. “Did he squeeze it, or break it?” And of course, I’m not remembering the wording correctly, because I have a terrible or terribly subjective memory, (take your pick) but it was a great analogy of sorts. “He squeezed it I guess. A little misshapen.”

But this? I visualize me, with eyes wide open and trusting, handing my beautiful, pulsating, almost glowing heart to a guy. And what does he do with my priceless gift? He says “Gee, thanks.” Hefts it for weight. Kind of bounces it around a bit. Throws it up in the air and catches it. And then, seeing that I’m a little tense at how he’s handling my fragile heart, cocks his head, looks me in the eye, and heaves it to the ground. He then proceeds to stomp on it with his right, then left foot, until he’s jumping on it with a sort of maniacal glee.

Obviously, my heart is not a rubber ball. And the results? Not pretty.

At first I was confused. Dazed really. Kind of in a numb, trance-like state. He doesn’t want me? And then I reasoned, he must be repressing his emotions because its all too much for him to handle. I mean, nothing else makes sense. Here I am, this totally amazing person. You must be crazy not to want me in your life.

But that’s what he was. A psycho nut-job.

Leave it to me to fall for him. Should have listened when he said he was one of the bad one’s. But no, that just drew me closer. Me and my stupid savior complex.

I'm Sprung

2008-12-01T13:48:00.001-06:00

Just a little or a lot actually....hmmmmm....it's a delicious feeling...will tell more later...!

Baby Steps

2008-11-28T01:56:00.000-06:00

Someone said show me your friends, and I’ll show you your character. But my friends are all completely different. What does that tell me other then the fact that I see life in shades of gray? That black and white are for the most part an illusion? That outside of inequality and injustice, there is very little to pretend I’m right about?

Freedom

2008-11-21T15:12:00.001-06:00

It's time for me to once access my creative muse. May as well start here! Again. For the umpteempth time.

Vent

2008-04-16T14:33:00.001-05:00

I find it amazing that I want to be around you so much, and yet I’m cognizant of the fact that you don’t feel the same. I want to reach out. Touch. Hold. Spend time with. But for what? I can’t help but see you as a reminder of my shortcomings. As a woman. Friend. Lover. Whatever. And you….hmmm….you are not capable of being what I want. Right? At least that’s what you’ve said. So, I’m torn between this inescapable conundrum of avoiding and yearning. Paradoxically, loving and hating the way I feel around you – about you. Struggling to maintain my façade. My game face as it were. Not showing the pain when your name comes up. Not showing the irrational jealousy that consumes me when I see you with another woman. Laughing. Touching. Hugging. Talking. Anything I’m no longer privy to. I definitely didn’t know it would be this hard. This difficult. Seeing you hurts. It reminds me of what we once had and what will never be. I have to let go. But it’s difficult. Difficult because you were my best friend of sorts. I have so many stories to share, things to laugh at, issues to discuss. But you’re not here. You said you would be. Said it’s on me. But I don’t think you’re capable of it either. I miss your touch. I want you to hold me while I cry about what a jerk you are. Want you to comfort me while I rant about how much you hurt me. But I don’t want to be that girl. And I don’t want to be so consumed with myself that I over burden you. You who have your own issues. And so I’m torn. Constantly fighting myself. Questioning myself. Wondering whether my underlying reasons are sound or just completely selfish.

I’m sorry about our friendship. Sorry that it’s gone. Sorry that I don’t completely regret what happened. Sorry that I can’t get over you that quickly. Sorry that I’m hurting. But most of all I’m sorry that it’s over.

Goodbye Blogger (For Now)

2008-02-25T07:45:00.003-06:00

Hey - to those of you who still read this - I'm pretty much done blogging for now. Not because I don't have stories (I do!) but I just don't feel like it anymore...hmmmm....so, for my 1 or 2 diehard fans hoping I post something new...I probably won't for a while...

And - I don't know how long "a while" is going to be! So, in the words of one of my favorite authors -

Sunday Morning

2008-02-03T02:53:00.001-06:00

I'm up. Working on a brief due Monday. I refuse to work on it all day Sunday...so went to the library around 7:30pm. What a way to spend Saturday night...

Anywho, I'm in surprisingly good spirits considering the time and my last post. My Google quote of the day is

"How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct." - Disraeli

Rang a chord with me. Negativity never really got anyone anywhere. Well, except Sylvia Plath and the like...Hmmm....am I bipolar? lol...

GO GIANTS!!!! Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Patriots.....perfection is soooo overrated....lol...

2008-01-29T22:38:00.000-06:00

Didn't think it would hurt this much. Or consume me this much. I like to tell myself that it will pass with time. And I'm sure it will. Eventually. But now.

Now it hurts. Hurts to realize that things have to change. Can't live in my dream world anymore. Have to let go. The tragic thing is that I don't know how much not being enough and loneliness contribute to my feelings.

Rejection. Couched in other terms. Feels the same. I just can't seem to get it right. I trust. Believe. Hope. Try to go with the flow. But it doesn't matter.

I want to be able to inspire passion. Companionship. Fun. Comfort. I just want to be loved. Just like everyone else I suppose. And of course, the ones you want never want you back, while there are others who would love to have your attention. Saying all the things you wish he was saying. But isn't.

I don't want to become calloused. Don't want to say "f$ck it" and settle for someone I don't want. I'm tired of being Ms. Commitment Phobe addicted to Mr. Unavailable.

I want more.

Random Cartoons

2008-01-24T14:33:00.000-06:00

GRADES!!!!!

2008-01-22T17:19:00.000-06:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........................................................................

Nothing Better to Do

2008-01-11T12:57:00.000-06:00

Well, the holidays were good. Too short. Of course. And now back to school.... I'm now getting the "not caring" attitude. Actually - I already have it. It's great seeing everyone and hanging out, but studying??? Annoying.

One bright spot - going boarding this weekend. Classmate is celebrating her 25th in the mountains...kinda exciting. Nice to get away (even though I just got back). Anywho - life is far from interesting at this point. Or better yet, too interesting to write down ;o).

Oh, and do parents ever stop trying to guilt-trip you???!!! Mine are so incredibly irritating. Do they really think they can scare me into adhering to their belief system? Blah.

Did I mention that I'm a Leanne Rimes fan? Love her new CD.

In Trinidad....

2007-12-23T19:11:00.001-06:00

On vacation....back later...but in the meantime, I came across this while getting ready to write my essays for summer jobs...this was the start of my original lsac personal essay - but I was advised to change it and not shock the admissions officers...lol...can't remember if I had this up already or not...

Gazing at my surroundings, my heart beats frantically. My breaths hitch as my eyes dart around nervously like a deer caught in someone’s headlights. I am petrified. The year is 1996. Our group arrived in St. Louis the night before for my first United Youth Congress – a denominational gathering that occurs every 4 years. The morning is vibrant with excitement and promise. As I walk eagerly into the Dome, my steps falter until I stop completely. A cold clammy feeling encases me.

The place is teeming with black people.

Whenever I relate the above experience to others, I am usually confronted with shock, disbelief and/or laughter. After all, I am black. Few can understand the idea that I was afraid of my own race.

Growing up in an immigrant household in the United States, and as one of two black girls in my classes was instrumental in shaping my perspective at that age. By 14 I had given up wanting to have blonde hair and blue eyes, but my interaction with other blacks, particularly Americans, had been limited to church.

At this period of my life I teetered between false snobbery and serious insecurity. I always knew I was considered “gifted” from an early age. Getting good grades was easy for me. Winning my elementary spelling bee at 10 only served to enhance my pride. I was inundated with accolades from teachers – pats on the head when I performed. The phrase “you’re not like other black children” was constant. And I doted on it. I was special. My parents were Trinidadian. They weren’t weighted down with the repressed mentality or search for identity so often associated with African-Americans. I was different and better than my peers.

Or so I thought. By the time 1996 had rolled around I was more comfortable with my race, but only those I knew from church or school. I was the only black girl in school to hang out with the “Goths”, Latinos, Asians, Christians and “nerds” alike.

Encountering a host of black youth made me feel intensely insecure and unsure of how to behave. Should I try to adopt the popular slang that was never allowed at home? Teasing from my black peers about being “white” or never “black enough” haunted me.

Initially, it was a terrifying experience. However, it became one of the most important experiences in my life. By the time I left St. Louis, I was in love with blackness – the struggle, strength and variety of it. I realized that though the media and my environment presented powerful forces in shaping stereotypes, I could choose not to accept their negative influences.

2007-12-17T16:59:00.000-06:00

I feel like I've just been violated. Ks sucked. It wasn't even that it was terribly difficult per se, after a while I just had nothing more to say. At all. I was waiting for the time to be up, while my classmates were scurrying around the statutes and furiously typing their treatises.

I sat there and wondered what they were typing...

Not good.

Letter to 13 year-old Me

2007-12-08T16:30:00.001-06:00

So, I was tagged by CiC to write a letter to my 13 year-old self. I tried to keep it short, but thats up for you guys to decide. Anywho, it was definitely fun to write...if you get a chance you should do it...

Here goes:

Dear Young Idealistic and Self-Righteous Me,

The year is 1995. You’ve made it through your first half of freshman year. You thought you’d be miserable in a new state and school. But you’ve begun reinventing yourself. No one here knows anything about you. Soon you’ll have your first sip of Jack Daniels from your friend who has a stash of bottles in her room. In a couple of months you’ll be caught up in a huge school riot where your classmates are beating your teachers.

It’s scary, but you’ll find it interesting, so not like private school. The people are different and you are not teased and made fun of – here you find your place and hang out with totally random groups. You’re gonna play tennis soon, and later recall the games at Columbine and how you and your classmates used to envy them.

But as soon as that year ends you head back to California. You cry and promise to write your friends. Back to that private school where no one knows you’ve changed, and you quickly revert to that same totally awkward, shy girl. You’ll also get braces soon, which doesn’t help with the slouching, glasses and nerd moniker.

High school will fly by as your parents beg and borrow to keep you in Christian school – junior year at another public school and senior year back at the academy. The guys at church will call you the Ice Princess and other names. But you’ll wrap yourself up in self-righteousness and being a “good girl” because it helps you cope.

After graduation you go to Trinidad for your freshman year of college. It will be one of the best decisions you make. You lose the braces, cut the hair and fly off to the Caribbean. All of a sudden you are hot stuff – still shy, but American and exotic. You grow. You date. Meet a tortured soul poet right before you transfer to a college in Alabama.

But still – no first kiss. Make a pact with your cousin to get your kiss by the end of the semester. And you do. He’s 26, you’re 18. You’re bold. Excited. The next day you’ll decide that you don’t like him and tell him that this is not going to work.

For the next year or so you have fun. You totally enjoy school and your friends. You “talk” to different men. You are on this quest of turning guy friends into more. It never works, and you’re always losing friendships. But you’re still very much a prude.

You go back to Trinidad and meet up with the poet. Your minds connect and you have the greatest 2 weeks just being with him. Making out. Writing. He writes songs for you. Totally infatuated. Ignoring everything and everyone else. He gives you a “promise” ring. You’re 19. He’s 25. You think it’s perfect. He’s perfect. He’s not. He will subsequently try dating your sister and cursing you out in a very eloquent but terrible way. You’ll never talk to him again.

Almost immediately afterwards you start robbing the cradle with the juvenile. It will be fun for a while. But you know it will never last. Just enjoy the ride. You’ll also be interested in your best friend’s brother. Save yourself a huge amount of heartache and wasted years - leave him alone. He will not be good for you. Not only will your self-esteem be torn to shreds but partly because of him you visit the Asshole. The older married male cousin who unlocks the bathroom door while you’re in the shower and wants to have sex with you. This will not be a good time. But you’ll get through it. While losing a lot of your naiveté.

Fast forward to recent times. You’ve finished your MPH, worked for a while, traveled, jumped on a plane by yourself and stayed in Guatemala for a couple months, and grown. You’re no longer a strong adherent to the Christian faith. But you’re happy. Content. You’re in law school. I know – total shock. But you’ve come full circle and realized this is where you want to be.

You are about to embark on your first final in a couple days, while dealing with the fact that the guy you finally let introduce you to X doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. It’s tough. But you knew that from the outset. I still have to see how that plays out, but you’re strong.

Just know that being a people-pleaser is not a good thing. You have to live for yourself. Love yourself. Don’t allow other people’s opinions dictate what you do. Let go guilt for not living up to others standards. Be humble. Understanding. Trust yourself. You’re rarely wrong.

The great thing is, once you get to where I am now, you won’t have any regrets.

Live passionately and enjoy.

Love,
YOU

Retraction

2007-11-30T17:33:00.000-06:00

I lied.

I'm not fine. I'm a hott mess. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm delusional and emotionally immature?

His grandmom died.

Along with some other things that I won't even begin to write about.

Dude, I felt like a total loser. And so incredibly self-involved.

My mind is not a pleasant place to be....and before you think I'm a lost cause - I am PMSing...(wink) - so there...!

When He Is Who He Says He Is

2007-11-29T20:44:00.000-06:00

On top of dealing with the the looming threat of finals, I'm having issues in the relationship department.

What relationship?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not in one. But I'm still dealing with issues like I am.

He told me who he was and what he was about in the beginning. Eyes wide open. And I believed him. Thing is, I underestimated MY ability to deal with things. I'm relatively okay, but he's not. And now he's acting very "relationshipy" and weird.

The irony is killing me. And the issue is bugging the hell out of me. Since - HE doesn't want to communicate anymore.

I'm a big girl. And you're a man. Let's get it together....

Thanksgiving BREAK!!!

2007-11-16T11:39:00.000-06:00

Done with the memo and done with class in 30 seconds...

On to sleep.

Then outlining.

And possibly other things....

I'll catch up later.

I love you, but I don't have time

2007-11-05T13:54:00.000-06:00

I.want.to.sleep.

Forever.

Why did I come to law school again?

This morning a certain row was called on to brief a case - and the first guy told the teacher that he had a hell of a week. The second person couldn't answer and neither could the third. Someone told her that we had a memo due this morning.

Her response?

"It's Monday." Pause. "Do you know how many credits this course is?"

Held up 4 fingers.

Then -

"Do you know many credits legal writing is?"

2 Fingers.

"Priorities."

I've finally....

2007-10-29T08:46:00.000-05:00

Cleaned my room - in its entirety!!!! Whooooohooooo....I was totally productive this weekend ;o)

Probably helps that my folks are coming to visit.

Studying

2007-10-24T02:13:00.000-05:00

I'm studying. Came home around 5, watched tv for a couple hours and promptly fell asleep. Got up at 12:38am. I've learned that I study best with little to no distractions.

Oh, and as I was reading one of your blogs, I mentioned to a classmate that I blog. Of course, she asked me for site, and after a bit of hesitation I gave it to her.

What are your thoughts? In letting go of anonymity?

Coincidence?

2007-10-22T08:11:00.000-05:00

Here's something interesting -

Had an interest in a guy - found out he was recently divorced....BUT still lives with his ex.

Okay. Moving on - went out to dinner with another guy last night...he's STILL married, recently separated. Divorce to be finalized in May 2008.

They both just turned 30.

Is it me???

On Chapstick and Drinking

2007-10-19T11:04:00.000-05:00

In Civ Pro again...professor loves his chapstick...always putting it on in class - very purposefully. Kinda funny.

Plus, I left the school at about 10:30 last night and was called back at 11pm to have our own bar review (I didn't want to go out last night). And we did. We made daquiries, etc... in the law school. I brought my ipod and speakers, and we stayed till 2am in the main hall. Then walked to a bar, played some pool and went to get some food....

Got home around 3. Woke up at 6. Said screw it and went back to sleep for a couple hours...and now I'm here.

Joy. Joy.

You know you're getting old when....

2007-10-14T20:36:00.000-05:00

...the heroine's in romance novels are younger than you....

(sardonic smile)

Overheard in Class

2007-10-12T12:38:00.000-05:00

My CivPro professor on paralegals:

"...Can't trust them. Can't believe anything they say. You gotta read the rules yourself.
For example...."

Proceeds to tell us about the horrible paralegals in his firm, and how he had to fix their mistakes.
Knowing, (not knowing?) that one of the girls in the front row was a paralegal -

for his firm.....

while he was there...

:O)

THE Library

2007-10-11T15:49:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be working on my memo right now. Have someone coming in town this weekend and it's due on Monday...But I'm in the library blogging.

I almost went home to study, but a friend made a very wise comment along the lines that I wouldn't get anything done. So true. So here I am instead.

Why do all libraries have to be so ominous? Most people are screwing around on their laptops anyway. Right? Checking facebook, myspace, etc...So, I'm going home now.

OH, heard a talk today about the working for the gov't versus private firm. 80k versus 160k. She made it sound awesome - HOWEVER what she didn't point out was that out of 800 candidates for the DOJ Honors program - they only picked 6!!!!! Yeah...there goes that idea...unless I want to work for the State DA....gotta go.

Peace out.

2007-10-09T11:34:00.001-05:00

I'M FREAKIN' TIRED OF BEING TIRED!!!!!

Can I get SOME sleep????

PLEASE?

I never thought that I'd be sick and tired of reading. Stupid cases. Stupid judges. If you want something in contract WRITE IT DOWN!!! This crappy statutes of frauds and parol evidence rule - seriously???!!!

What a waste of time and sleep....

Steppin' to the Bad Side

2007-10-05T16:23:00.000-05:00

Yeah - I'm kinda inchin' toward the "bad side"...lol...more on that later....

I'm in a weird place again. It's so easy to get caught up in the law school crowd and routine and neglect everyone else. I just reconnected with some friends that I haven't spent time with or seen in over 3 weeks - and they live no more than 15 minutes away.

It was good. I feel grounded again. It's great to be around people who really know and understand me.

Errant Behavior

2007-09-29T13:47:00.001-05:00

This past week has been very eventful. I've finally laid two men from my past to rest.

One - from seeing him and realizing that I don't miss him after all. The other - from not seeing him and realizing that he's a jerk. Basically, I was a delusional idiot for thinking there was more substance to either one of them.

Incidentally, the first stopped talking to me some years ago, because of his girlfriend (now wife). And I haven't seen him till this week. We literally bumbed into each other at school, where he apologized for his past behavior and in the same breath asked me if I could be one of his reference's for my law school. Hmmmm....is pretty much all I have to say about that.

As for the second, I don't feel like wasting my time even talking about it. Let's just say that if I never speak to him for the rest of my life, I'll be okay.

In other news - I found 4 gray hairs this morning!!!! 4!!! All this time I thought I wasn't stressed or at least that I was handling the pressure in a healthy way. Apparently, I was wrong.

Obviously.

From Soup to Nuts

2007-09-21T21:47:00.000-05:00

Wow....totally found this on Google....

Yeah - I know...the title is strange. And the funny thing is I didn't even think of it myself. I went to my first law firm cocktail reception tonight. A firm called Bass, Berry and Sims. I'd never really heard of them before coming down here, but apparently they're well known in this area.

Anywho, they were having this special program for minority students at Vandy and that's what they call it - Law Schools (of maybe "Firms") from Soup to Nuts...like I said odd. However, I will say that everyone there was as seems to be custom in Nashville - uber friendly and open. From the associate who had just been there for 3 weeks to the managing partner of 30 years. It's funny, it was great mingling and chatting it up with them. I wasn't nervous at all...now if I can only have that same mindset with my professors....

Here's something totally un-law related....well, actually not really, but whatever. So, once again, I've heard that I'm perceived as a snob. And though I do admit to having snobbish tendencies....okay, to being somewhat of a snob - or rather, "selective" with who I count as friends(!), it still kinda takes me aback. I believe I'm friendly and usually very polite. I may not stop and chat, but that's 'cause I don't know you....

Basically, it is alleged that certain people (of the female variety) in a certain section of my class think that I'm standoffish, snobbish, etc... What kinda bugs me is that just because we all have curly hair doesn't mean we have to be best friends....! So, I'm gonna re-evaluate my behavior and see if I need to make some adjustments.

But seriously, high school was like 10 years ago....

Short and Sweet

2007-09-18T19:20:00.000-05:00

School is definitely getting a wee bit more difficult.

Just a smidgen.

BUT - I still love it.

Did you know that lawyers are supposed to be officers of the court, and as such uphold ethical standards in both our personal and work lives? We had a mandatory seminar by some guy from Tennessee's disciplinary board.

Interesting....and yet, lawyers get soooo much flack for so many things...lol...seen as the most UNethical of professionals.

Oh, the irony.

Sabbath Woes

2007-09-15T13:20:00.000-05:00

I'm struggling ya'll. (Totally Southern - I know.)

Last night all I wanted to do was to go drinking, flirt a lot and make-out with almost any random dude. Which is not completely out of character - lol - but I usually have enough control to restrain myself. ;o)

Last night - that control was extremely frayed and I was BARELY hanging on. So, I went to church instead.

It didn't help.

Geekness

2007-09-12T21:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm reading the case Louisville & Nashville Railroad Co. v. Mottley for Civ Pro (Civil Procedure for my non-law readers) and this line had me laugh out loud:

"We do not deem it necessary, however, to consider either of these questions, because, in our opinion, the court below was without jurisdiction of the cause."

This was stated by the justice immediately after stating the facts and the two issues that were presented. LOL. The wonderful power of a judge.

Gosh, golly gee.....

I'm a nerd.

(Incidentally - my textbook was actually written by one of my professors...good thing she's not teaching this class!)

Wasting Valuable Time

2007-09-11T21:38:00.000-05:00

So....

I should be reading Civ Pro and Contracts.....

Instead I'm online....

Hmmmmm.......

Bar Review

2007-09-07T00:37:00.000-05:00

Just came from bar review....totally not my scene at all...lol...I think I'm too much of a snob...plus, they don't have the no smoking rule down here yet...and why the hell would I want to dress up for some dim, dirty, and almost decrepit looking establishment??? I don't get it...but apparently the other girls do...lol...frankly, I think my jeans are too good for those types of places...I'm not in Guatemala anymore...

I think I'm finally accepting that I'm just gonna be tired for the next couple of years. All the time. Period.

So, what's the biggest thing I've learned so far? Aside from the workload, law school is like high school. Lockers and all. Cliques. It's definitely interesting...Oh, and that law is totally subjective. Totally. Precedent the Constitution, whatever...it's basically whatever the judges feel like making it.

I get the cynicism...BUT I'm tired, so you shouldn't take me tooo seriously... I'm actually enjoying it...

First Day

2007-08-27T19:34:00.000-05:00

Okay - so before I start my mini-tirade about law school I have to say this -

Vandy is GREAT. The professors and students are totally friendly. And I absolutely LOVE the environment. So, far everyone is friendly and helpful...so far...lol...

Anyway, today was my first day. I woke up at around 6 did my little routine of reading my Bible, making breakfast, watching the news and getting dressed. Got to school about 8:30 (couldn't find parking near the school) and was ready for class at 9:10.

Cool. Class was actually interesting - though everyone (myself included) were probably a little too anxious to raise our hand (trying to get the pressure out of the way). Oh, and now I understand the gunner mentality. If your grade is only based on one exam and class participation, who doesn't want to make sure they get the professor's attention????

Okay, here's the thing - I'm too tired for a tirade. It's 7:40pm and I just got home, and I STILL have about 2 hours worth of reading!!!!! Plus, I got make dinner, exercise, and have just a tiny bit of me time.

So....now I know why you can't work your first year....and this is only my first DAY....

law school

2007-08-23T20:42:00.000-05:00

uh - i'm a bit overwhelmed. 14 books for 4 classes....homework for monday....and i'm going to atlanta this weekend...hmmmm....did i mention that 5 of those are just for legal writing....?

Dinner Party

2007-08-18T17:59:00.000-05:00

I just had my first ever Sabbath dinner/lunch party!!! It was great - just a few friends and the perfect atmosphere. Anyway, I'm really not going to write too much since I'm trying to relax and all for Wednesday, but I did see something interesting today...

I saw one of my "friends" today at church - who didn't tell me he was in town, and to top it off, the only reason I saw him was because his "ex" saw me first...it wasn't until I was talking to her that I even noticed him in the car....hmmmmmm....I would say more but I don't know who reads this...so, needless to say I was a little peeved....

One more week....

2007-08-12T14:12:00.000-05:00

....of freedom....

Rant

2007-08-04T01:10:00.000-05:00

So, I'm totally supposed to be sleeping right now. Instead I've been reading random blogs and doing whatever else one does on the internet for 2 hours when they should be sleeping. Especially considering the fact that I'm going to church in the morning. But whatever.

Since I am awake for at least another 30 minutes (my battery is about to die and I am not getting up to find the cord) I'll tell you how I found my new appreciation for "good guys", Mr. Nice guy, etc...

I ended up going to a club the other night. The how's, with whom's, and why's are not important. Anyway, I'm not a big club person - been to some in LA/Hollywood/Beverly Hills/Vegas and that's pretty much it. And of course I had my group with me. Friends who I can totally let loose with.

Not this time. This time, I was with some girls I literally just met maybe an hour before. Incidentally, before I really met one them I met her boobs. Yeah. That's what I said. I came to her place and she was trying to put those clear nipple pads on or something....lol....I almost died laughing.

Then I helped her.

It was hilarious. But I digress. We went to a new Nashville club for black professionals. Which means I was in total "I'm not interested mode". What can I say? I'm a racist. I never think that white guys, latino guys, asian guys or any other race would be interested in me.

Only black guys. And not just only - all. Anywho, we walk in and there are a bunch of dudes smoking, drinking, doing whatever it is you do in the club. I was appalled by a number of things.

1) That along with lotion the bathroom attendant (who had at least 2 gold teeth) was offering black and milds! (To those who don't know what those are, it's like a fake cigar/cigarette with a very distinct smell.) HUH???

2) The annoying dudes who kept staring at me like they wanted to say something and only
stopped when I deliberately turned away from them and talked to the guys that
were with us.

3) The 1 white white-haired old man who was flirting with young black girls. Sorry. It
was just disturbing on so many levels. (I know - totally not pc.)

4) But you know what bothered me the most??? The songs. (Warning: Any underage
readers stop now....OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE)

And I quote -

"Bitch you poppin'"??????????????

"Let me see your tits and ass"????????????

And the women (educated mind you) had the NERVE to get up and say/yell/scream - "Ooooooh, this is my song!"

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME????!!!!!

Did I mention that I stayed in my corner the entire night? I sat, I stood, I chatted. I observed. And.Did.Not.Move.

By the way, this took me almost 20 minutes to write 'cause I was too lazy to go and get my glasses.

Faces of Iran

2007-08-02T11:16:00.000-05:00

Deena Guzder

These are pics from a fellow intern I met at AI in NYC. Since then she graduated from Columbia's School of Journalism and has been working as a reporter. Her latest assignment sent her to Iran where she said a lot of American's won't see what normal life is like in that country. I love these ones because who can resist children?

But then I think about this little boy in Iraq:

Look at his eyes.

Jaded Me

2007-07-27T20:38:00.000-05:00

Hmmmm….I was re-reading some of my stuff, and I’m getting the feeling that I have a low concept of men. Almost like I don’t take them seriously, that they’re easily manipulated….for example – this little piece that I wrote a while ago…and a couple of my posts from earlier. Whaddya think?

By the way, it was under the subject of "Over-rated Honesty"....

Several people advocate throwing themselves on the altar of truth – while others are active promoters of the feminine mystique factor. So, which is the better method? Should you be up front and tell a man exactly how you feel about him, or should you withhold and play the ultimate coquette – hard to get?

I’ve grown up hearing the mantra that men love the chase – they are the predators and we are the prey. I don’t know about you, but I readily envision a Neanderthal man with long stringy hair, covered in animal skin and wielding an enormous club bellowing in pursuit of the chaste, innocent, woman sheathed in a gossamer gown. I mean, come on – the predator and its prey?! Have we really been demeaned to the animal kingdom?

However, though it pains me to admit this – I can see the wisdom of that attitude. It goes like this: Waaaay too often we put ourselves out there for the man who doesn’t seem to want us back. Unless you are one of the few who have eluded this phenomenon, you understand what I’m saying. If he is actively “hunting” us then we don’t have to worry about feeling wanted. We would already be emotionally secure in knowing that our man wanted us – not because we were convenient, but because he had to work hard for us. Nobody, a man in particular, is going to throw away a priceless treasure that took effort to obtain. Right?

Put it like this. A man sees the car that he wants. He worked hard – to the bone – for two years saving and investing to buy his ultimate dream car. Finally, the day has arrived! It is his – paid in full. He’s ecstatic. He’s more than likely going to name his vehicle, be extremely covetous of anyone who gets near it, lovingly clean it on almost daily basis, and drive “her” around with pride.

Take that same man. His uncle has given him a perfectly good functional Toyota. Not at all a hoopty, but not a luxury car either. It runs well and is always faithful – has taken him many miles and has most of the amenities that any normal human being should want or need. However, he takes this gift for granted, and is always looking enviously to the more lavish models.

Now, I’m not saying that women are analogous to cars! Though sometimes it seems that’s exactly what the media loves to portray. And I’m not naïve or silly enough to say that men are quite that infantile in nature– but male friends have continually informed me that they are ultimately simple creatures.

It makes sense. Yet, it also brings up the extremely controversial matter of “playing games”. Each sex heavily denounces the other playing games – “just be honest”, “straight-up” or whatever variation fits your reality. Basically, we trap ourselves. .......etc......

Oh, and Vixen gave me the Schmooze blogger award!!! But my signal is so low here that I keep gettting cut off every time I try to put it up....I'll do it when I get back home....

Bowling for Embarrassment

2007-07-24T21:58:00.000-05:00

So - I neglected to tell you that Saturday night I went bowling. Something I haven't done in ages. I was the second oldest in about a group of 10 people ranging from 21-35. Since you should know by now that I'm 25 - you get the point.

To top things off, I was wearing a dress. No, not a scanty mini, but a full length - really long kinda hippy dress. So, I'm gonna bowl. I find a ball that I can hold and it's my turn.

I go up.....

Do the little crouch at the line.....

Take a couple of steps.......

Swing.....

And.....

Fall.

Yeah - all I felt were my feet going with the momentum of the ball and my butt hitting the ground. In front of CHILDREN!!!! So, I just sat there for a minute, laughed at myself (what else was I supposed to do?), and stood up to see everyone else almost choking on their own laughter. By the way, my ball not only went straight to the gutter, but I also fouled out since my legs were totally over the line.

Lesson learned: leave the heavy balls alone and don't wear long dresses bowling.

Spirituality

2007-07-22T20:27:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone – I’m alive and well. Just needed a moment. Anyway, here’s something I’ve been thinking about recently.

You know the whole religious organization thing? I still haven’t found one church that I like. And what I’ve realized is that everyone seems to have an agenda. By the way, I’m talking about Christian churches… They really seem to lack authenticity. And they want to “convert” everyone to their denomination – not to Christianity but to a certain organization.

The God I know is not punitive. And yet, that’s what they teach, if not in word then by actions. Basically, if I don’t go to church or pay tithe then God is going to be angry and punish me. Uh – that’s a total lie. He may be sad – maybe. But not angry. He doesn’t punish me when I do wrong. Yes, there are consequences to every action but a lightning bolt is not going to be thrown from the sky and take me out. That’s utterly ridiculous. But it’s a lie we perpetrate to keep people in line.

Plus, the atheist and others have a point when they say that Christians just seem like a bunch of ignorant followers. It’s what the majority of us do. If we are part of a particular denomination then we are expected to follow everything they do. Not me. At this point I don’t want to be associated with any “Christian organization”.

Right now, I am trying to operate without fear and guilt. If I don’t spend time doing good things, etc… I am no longer “scared” of what will happen to me. It’s unfortunate that we teach such a humungous lie to others just because we can’t understand Someone who loves us unconditionally – regardless of what we do. He loves the embezzler just as much as He loves me. Not more, not less. The exact same. I can’t DO anything to make Him love me or to take that love away. It’s there.

Basically, a lot of people believe in God, but don’t know Him. And I think that there is a HUGE difference in those two words. Am I being arrogant to assume I’m one of them? Yup. Could I be wrong? Sure – but I doubt it ;o)!

Low

2007-07-14T11:40:00.000-05:00

K- I've hit a low....I think I'm gonna take a minute until I have something to say...

I'm not depressed, just kinda low emotionally...but I'll be fine...

My Bed

2007-07-13T02:11:00.001-05:00

Alright - if any of you look at the time stamp on this thing - you'll realize that it's a little after 2am. And no, I haven't stayed up late like before. Instead I was a sleep by 6pm.

I know. Some of you are jealous. Some are pitying me because obviously I have no life. Whatever. Here's the thing - since my furniture is still in hiding (whole 'nother story), the only thing I have is my bed.

And it's the GREATEST bed in the world!!!! I usually have problems with mattresses - too firm, too soft, etc.... So, because I know that a good night's sleep is absolutley crucial in law school and my mental sanity, I got a memory foam - you know - the one with "Vera Wang" imprinted on it? Which is amazing in and of itself - like why is her name on my mattress???? Is it a selling point? I would of bought it anyway - BUT - it is kinda cool knowing that she's endorsed it - I'm such a moron (cue self-deprecating laughter).

Anywho, with the exception of the floor and some patio furniture - I do everything there. And it's so easy to doze off and not wake up. Which is why I'm watching an old black and white western and telling you all about my bed.

Oh, and if I haven't called you or missed your phone call - sorry - haven't been in the most talkative mood. Still slightly depressed about my furniture.

Are Law Students Emotional Wrecks????

2007-07-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

Ummmmm....so I guess it all makes sense now....Type A, neurotic and narcissistic hmmmm???

Take a look at this from the Wall Street Journal - apparently law students are more emotionally distressed than med students...lol...

Which, honestly kinda makes sense. Just to get through an undergrad science major probably (ha!) required a lot more discipline than it took for me to finish International Studies...the whole BS versus BA thingy....

On the other hand, I'm not gonna be ashamed just because I'm more right brained then left...anyway, the comments were cracking me up...

For instance -

"I would guess medical students are less emotionally stressed because they are never asked to be on the side of the disease.Law students, OTOH, are taught from their first high school debate class to argue either side of a question, even if they know what they are supporting is wrong, immoral, dangerous, or just useless. This cognitive dissonance is very stressful for all except those with sociopathic personalities, who then go on the become plaintiff attorneys and politicians.Let’s face it, when you’re trained to be a devil’s advocate, you’re often going to find yourself advocating for the Devil. "

Vernacular Splitting

2007-07-10T15:55:00.000-05:00

First off, thanks to Metheus (as you can see - I stole your term...it's catchy) and JustJenny (coudn't find a pic - so I took one from your obsession) for answering my questions! Yay - no more sad/teary smiley face.

According to Wikipedia (the most trusted information site ever!!!) :

Prejudices are abstract-general preconceptions or abstract-general attitudes towards any type of situation object or person.

Stereotypes are generalizations of existing characteristics. These reduce complexity.

I have lots of prejudices....I think that's why I'm living in Nashville, to eradicate some of my misconceptions about the South. I can't remember if I've said that before, but everybody has been absolutely great. The friendliest and most helpful people I've ever been around....lol...

Of course, I'd have to be the cynical "are they for real?" person.....go figure.... And the really ironic thing is that I call myself "open-minded" - but I was only "open" to those who believe the same thing I do/did - it's an ongoing process....

:o(

2007-07-07T21:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, so obviously no one wanted to respond to my last post :O(.....and my furniture isn't here yet........ - double :O( :O(......

Stereotypes and Prejudice

2007-07-04T14:44:00.000-05:00

(Incidentally - I don't know what this pic means...okay, I'm lying I do...but some of the pics could have been drawn better)

This won't be a long post, I'm trying to jumble too many things together and it's too easy to get complicated. For the record, most of my hits come from people looking for info on ambiguous relationships - I wrote about it when I first started this blog....kinda interesting - I may expound on that one later....but I digress....

Here's my question to you - do stereotypes and prejudices fit in the same category? ASL made the following comment on my last post -

"there are reasons why there are stereotypes... stereotypes exist on the basis of both the stereotyping party and the stereotyped party."

And I replied that I'd have to think about it for a while. Here's what I came up with - in an ideal world there would be no stereotypes, prejudice or discrimination. Obviously, we don't live in a perfect world. So, I'm going to say that prejudice is a natural occurence based on our environment - whether it's race, class, or culture. However, when we allow our prejudice to turn into discrimination that's when we have a problem.

But where does stereotyping fall in this whole setup? Is it wrong, or like prejudice a natural occurence based on experience, media, etc...any thoughts???

My Achy Breaky Feet

2007-07-02T16:46:00.000-05:00

So, I was looking up some pics for this post, and I googled "sore feet" and this pic came up.....uh - do you see how the black man is portrayed?????

Originally this post was going to be about how I dropped my car off at the dealership downtown around 1130 this morning and decided (unwisely) to walk back home not arriving here till now - 430pm. I was going to regale you with stories about the scorching sun, taxi drivers who tried to "pick me up" rather than do their job and the many interesting sites that I saw along the way.

However, this picture trumps all that. At first I thought that it was his pet monkey, and now I see that I was wrong. It's supposed to be a cartoon about Sinbad and his adventures. But I am sadly reminded of "blackface" and all that it entailed...as well as the fact that I'm living in the South.

And then I thought about all the stereotypes that abound. And thought about how during my long walk I encountered a group of young blacks who were loud, and in my ears their Southern voices/drawl/slang was unintelligible. And how I immediately assumed/judged that they were uneducated and reinforcing negative stereotypes. The same stereotypes that I seem to believe and agree with….

Mr. Too Nice to Date Twice

2007-06-30T02:09:00.000-05:00

Don't have much to say right now, except that I've been extremely bored. I love having my space, but sitting all alone in my condo waiting for deliveries that don't come on time, is not my idea of fun. Plus, I've been staying up way too late and waking up feeling miserable in the morning....go figure...

Anyway, found this article on Baggage Reclaim that pretty much articulated what I was trying to say before...something you guys are probably sick of hearing now ;o).

Here's the link:

Mr Too Nice to Date Twice

And here's the one that we often overlook...Taken from Vixen - by the way, thanks for writing about me!!! I'm gonna read it as soon as I finish posting this....lol....

Vixen’s Guide to: Dating a Nice Guy

I’ve had my share of Bad Boys but invariably, I’ve always been drawn more consistently to the Nice Guy. There is something about the old school charm, chivalrous ways and polished manners of this type of male that draws me like a moth to a flame. The term Nice Guy, has been used exclusively to categorise the gentlemen that don’t fit into the Bad Boy or any other prototype. These are the ones that will bring you flowers, call you just to say they are thinking of you, open doors and pay for all excursions with no fuss. They are the ones that your mother will approve of, and who manage to charm your family members that normally detest all the men you bring home.

First of all, if you aren’t sure that you guy is a nice guy…answer these questions to find out.

1. When you call him anytime of the day or night, does he talk to you even though you woke him up and protest when you try to get off the phone?

2. Is he always neatly dressed, clothes ironed and distinguished whenever he goes out?

3. Does he abstain from drugs, guns, excessive liquor and other substances?

4. Is his body free from excessive tattoos and piercings, gold grills and flashy jewellery?

5. Does he steer away from foul language, and swears sparingly if ever? Does he apologise when he uses curse words in front of you?

6. Does he bring you flowers for no reason at all, gifts on occasion, and remembers your favourite drinks and dessert?

7. Does he open doors for you and pull your chair back? Does he stand up whenever you leave or enter the room?

8. Does he help you carry anything heavy/bulky, does he assist with putting your coat on, does he offer to fix anything that breaks down in your place of abode?

9. Does he walk with you on the inside (with him closer to the street) when you are taking a walk through the neighbourhood?

10. Did he tell you that he loved you first? Is he vocal about his emotions and feelings?

11. Does he consider what you would like to do, and value your input in any discourse?

12. Does he put very little if any pressure on you to have sex with him?

13. Does he consider your comfort when with him, adjusting the temperature of the car/home to suit your needs, offering his jacket when it’s cold etc etc?

If majority of these are true, then hon, you are dating a Nice Guy.

Now don’t confuse a Nice Guy with a pushover. It’s not the same thing. Just because he looks after your interests and spoils you within reason doesn’t mean that you should take advantage of him. Nice guys have been taken advantage of time and time again and have learned from it. In my experience I’ve come across several nice guys that have been used and abused by the women they were with, and this has shattered a lot of their morals and values turning them into tortured, wounded souls.

Majority of Nice Guys were raised around women, they were predominantly raised by their mothers, sisters and aunts, and have managed to understand to a certain extent how women think. They sense your moods, your oncoming PMS and have learned what not to say in most situations. They are generally also more in tune with their feminine/sensitive side and might stun you with the depth of perception that they possess.

Note the following tips when dealing with Nice Guys

He generally is close to his family: He will talk to his family about you. Especially if he adores you. He will want to show you off. He will relate funny anecdotes about you and you might be surprised how much they know about you. There is nothing wrong with this, just note that if you are a super private person, you might want to let him know before he starts bragging about you to his friends and family.

He is generally close to his mom and the influential women in his life: He probably has a female best friend, is friends with his ex or a lady friend that he is very close to. If you happen to be a green-eyed sort, reel those jealous feelings in sweetie…to him these are platonic relationships. However, if your sixth sense is telling you something is up, please pay attention. In the same vein, if the women in his life don’t like you….it might cause issues. Deal with them carefully as if you were approaching a mother bear. They want to protect him for the ‘wicked Jezebels’ of the world and might just cast you in that category if you aren’t careful.

He might be over-the-top with giving gifts: Don’t take offence, he’s not trying to buy your affection, he is just showing you the level of his affection. Smile prettily, give him a kiss and receive graciously.

Nice guys believe in the rule of reciprocity: Somehow the golden rule has been ingrained in them and to prevent disillusionment, be nice. Don’t take them for granted, they do on some subconscious level expect niceness in kind. Don’t trample on their emotions, don’t belittle, DON’T cheat.

They are usually great communicators: On some level, they are gifted to a greater degree than your average Neanderthal in the language of women. They are able to pick up your moods and intuitively react to them. Appreciate this fact.

Don’t turn their good manners against them: If you are an independent woman, accept the gentlemanly courtesy…the opening of doors, etc. Get used to it. It is a part of them and asking them to stop goes against everything they stand for.

They are from the old school, old souls in a modern world. Think Braveheart, Gladiator type of men. They will stand up and fight for you. If they feel that you have been disrespected, they will want to protect you, beat the shit out of the person dissing you and take care of you.

However, note that Nice Guys have the power to revert to prototype and becomes jerks as well. Don’t think that just because you are dating a nice guy that he is the best thing since sliced bread. First and foremost, he is a GUY, and that my dear ladies, is the greatest irony of it all.

Visit Voxen’s blog Bad Girls Guide

Further Explanations

2007-06-27T20:00:00.000-05:00

Okay - so this post is going to be a continuation of sorts from the last one...

What I was trying to say - is that I've gotten the "good girl" title pretty much all my life. Back in the day, I was the one guys wouldn't date because I was, and I quote, "marrying material", etc....truthfully, I didn't take it as compliment - just saw it as another way of saying that they weren't interested and they were trying to be nice about it.

However, I know that for a good part of my life, it was just a facade. I wasn't truly "good" in the sense of the word - I was scared. Scared to defy my family, community, and society. I was just talking to one of my friends about this - we did everything that was expected and kept our "reputations" (almost!) intact as expected. Did the majority of things right and by the book. Thing is - I enjoyed the accolades and resented them at the same time. Felt like I had to live up to a certain standard that was forced upon me. Obviously, I chose to take it on, but that's how I felt.

So, when I encounter men who remind me of myself in the above way, I tend to be cautious, and yes, just a bit cynical. Which - I readily concede - is unfair.

LIghtbulb Theory

2007-06-26T07:24:00.000-05:00

I've just been thinking about the whole "good girl" liking "bad boy" phenomenon - something I've been accused of in the past. And I think I finally got a handle on it.

First of all, the phrase is completely generic and demeaning to both genders, in my opinion. But, I did realize something - the reason I can't or don't like dealing with the proverbial "good guy" is because of my own experience.

Whenever I encounter a man who I do believe genuinely likes me, but is extremely accommodating and constantly putting my needs above his own, I find him slightly untrustworthy. It's not about devaluing myself, but it's knowing that I've been there in non-romantic relationships. I've been the one to bend and give and give, never releasing the underlying resentment or anger that has built. Keeping my "good girl" facade totally intact. Not really taking responsibility for my feelings and/or being honest with my loved ones.

So, even though this may be a guy's personality, and he just is really a nice guy, I can't get over the idea that he may be hiding something....lol....I know, it's pretty bad. On the other hand, if someone is up front and completely honest, I can respect that - more so because it is something that I struggle with, even if that person is a complete jerk. Don't get me wrong - I don't like people who let it "all hang out" or anything, but who are able to clearly articulate his or her feelings in an appropriate manner....lol...whatever that is.

With that said, I usually hate the whole "opposite attracts" thing. I believe that your values and goals should at least be in sync - but I do get the idea of wholeness. Yes, I'm complete by myself, but if I meet someone who can balance my personality and vice versa I'm intrigued. I like to know that I can change and grow with someone - not necessarily being with someone who reinforces me without challenging me.

Just something I was thinking through. Any thoughts???

Changes

2007-06-24T19:14:00.000-05:00

Hey all - so, I finally made it down to Nashville - in the wee hours of this morning...suffice to say, I'm tired...as indicated by my use of some interesting words...lol...

Anyway, I know that I was (and still am) totally excited about the humidity down here. but it's a bit overwhelming. To go from dry, hand-chapped Colorado to air dripping with moisture Tennessee in one day is different. My skin literally feels dewy - which I guess can be good for a girl - but I still have to get used to it.

Plus, my place still needs some improvements. I have some very basic stuff missing in my bathroom as well as some other things that were supposed to be taken care of before I came down, and haven't been...so, tomorrow is going to be long day with the furniture coming and all...

But that doesn't dampen my excitement at finally having my own place! The only thing is, I'm too sluggish to thoroughly enjoy it :O)

By the way, my parents took me shopping at Costco today (yay!) but went a little overboard - I had to call my friend to bring her Jeep to help carry stuff to my place - no complaints there!

(Oh, and for those of you wondering - the above pic is not my place. It would be fabulous, but I'm not that lucky!) Which actually makes me think of HGTV - I used to hate that channel. And I do mean hate....but now I'm totally into it. Find it quite fascinating....anyone else? Or am I alone???

Leaps of Faith

2007-06-16T19:58:00.000-05:00

You know how when you wanna follow your gut feeling (instinct if you will) you get opposition? How everyone expects things to be done "by the book" and if you stray from the so-called norm you are criticized...and yet, with great risk comes great reward, right....?

Dreams and Allergies

2007-06-12T07:21:00.001-05:00

So, I just read this totally random rambling post from The Pink Highlighter and was inspired. I don't think I've mentioned it before, but the last couple of nights have been absolutely terrible - days actually.

Remember my trip to Nashville a couple of weeks ago? Well, the friend I was staying with has a dog. A dog who hadn't been groomed in a looooong time. And I, though I do adore dogs, have serious allergies to their hair. This dog - aptly named Frizzie - had the longest and stringiest hair I've ever seen on such a small dog. Needless to say, my allergies were my great friends for my entire visit. I was popping pills like they were going out of style.

Okay - so I get home. And since I've been here - I feel like I have a dog hair stuck in my throat. Seriously. Like I inhaled it and it won't come out!!! Yes - it could just be my allergies going haywire, (hmmmm - hay, allergies....) but I swear it's true. No matter what I drink or eat (yogurt to soothe it) it won't budge. Call me crazy - but I can feel it and it's irritating the hell out of me. On top that I'm totally sniffly (word?) and feel achey, blah, blah, blah....yeah, I'm sick...

The only interesting thing about this whole thing is that my dreams have been incredibly realistic and odd. You know those kinda dreams where you feel like you haven't slept at all? Well, the first night myself and a whole bunch of random people were trying to run, but with a wall of resistance that we couldn't break through. Like slow motion on crack. We were running/swimming/pushing our way forward, while another person trotted over us on a horse calling out encouragement. I wish I could explain it, but I can't. Suffice to say, I woke up exhausted and heavy.

Last night was better. I dreamed that the cast of Grey's Anatomy and I went on some sort of trip together. Well, not all of them. Just Sandra, Kat, and Ellen. We were all going to the same school and they had some shoot to do in the mountains of Colorado. So, we were going to be roommates, but for some reason I didn't talk in the entire dream. Just was there. Observing and hanging out without really saying anything. I remember making one comment and Sandra was like "Oh. She speaks." - or something equally snarky (word I totally stole from the blogosphere).

Now that you are completely catatonic I will stop. I'm only up because I got a call at 5 am from a cousin (you know who you are!) looking for my sister. I am completely annoyed. Not at my cousin - at my sister. But that's for another day...or not....

.....

2007-06-11T14:54:00.000-05:00

Movers coming on Friday - still haven't packed...am such a chronic procrastinator...

“Reunited and it Feels so Good”

2007-06-07T18:13:00.000-05:00

Lol…okay – so I broke down and joined MySpace….I know, I know…what was I thinking? I’m 25 years old. But – I finally broke. Curiosity got to me and next thing I know I was joining. At first it was just to see some friends profiles and then I spiraled out of control and joined! (sigh – oh well…)

Anyway, the point of this post is that I don’t regret it. Because of one of my friends I saw some profiles of people I haven’t seen in years! I’m talking about guys I’ve known since about age 10 from church and haven’t seen since I was like, I don’t know, 17 or so. It brought back a lot of memories of who I used to be…lol….

I used to try to block out those years. I was quintessential nerd. The glasses, the braces, the one who used to compete with my friends about who got the highest A in class, walked with a very defined slouch and was always reading. Even my so-called friends used to call me “ungoy” – a Tagalog term that means monkey. Yeah – not the most flattering – especially for a minority!

I always hung out with the “rejects”, Goths, and other high school “undesirables”. Interesting thing is seeing how we’ve all changed over the years – and “come into our own”. I’m not the same person I used to be, and neither are they. But my past really has shaped who I am today….hmmmm….just some thoughts….

Plus, if you all read the comments on my last post - you'd know that Vixen and I are old friends from college too...the age of technology - ain't it grand?

Packing

2007-06-05T19:22:00.000-05:00

I'm packing - except that I don't have any boxes yet :o(. I want to get all my stuff organized before I box them up, but it's taking much longer than I thought it would...

I plan to be out of here in two weeks and I can't even get my stuff together.

In other news: I ended it with "older guy". Actually, come to think of it, I only mentioned him to CiC, but it was kinda sad. He's absolutely great. Not only do we click on so many things (personality, dreams, travel, service-oriented, etc) but he's a man. Not just physiologically (!) which is a plus :O) but in all the other essential things. Knows what he wants. Completely honest. Totally appealing. Plus, he's from New York and works in DC (sigh) and I totally have a thing for East Coast guys.

However, there was one essential thing that we couldn't agree on - religion. And I hate to say it because if you've read one of my previous posts - you'd know that I'm not the hugest fan of the organization. Ironic thing is that he's not the strongest adherent, but he is definitely involved in his denomination and is clear that he wants his children to attend the same parochial schools he did. Which is an absolute no for me - something that is not even up for debate.... So, long story short, I stopped it. Which was a lot harder than I thought it would be - it's only been a couple months...so what was up with me crying???? Hormones? Or just a stupid decision? (sigh) I don't know.... Anyway, he still wants to take me out and of course I said "sure" like an idiot. Watch me fall harder and change my mind...

On a final note - I've been watching the Republican debate - and I would vote for Ron Paul - too bad he doesn't have a chance - oh, and Romney is a hot mess...I think he took a hit tonight.

Knocked Up

2007-06-03T21:29:00.000-05:00

So, I was going to write about something entirely different - but that will have to wait.

Have you seen Knocked Up yet????!!

I haven't laughed so hard in .... in ..... dude, in years! I swear it. That movie is absolutely, stomach hurting hilarious. Thing is it's incredibly realistic, totally quirky and off the wall, mega funny.

Oh, but don't get it twisted. It's totally not children friendly. And it has an EXTREMELY graphic scene. Extremely - but totally entertaing! Like there wasn't one scene that I didn't crack up in - not one...

So, if you haven't seen it yet - go on...

I'm buying it as soon as it comes out...you should too!

Homeowner!!!!

2007-06-01T10:13:00.000-05:00

I am FINALLY a HOMEOWNER!!! YAY! I've been in Nashville for the past week and I closed on Wednesday! Smooth as butta! lol...Plus, I got a congratulatory bottle of wine after I was done signing my life away :O)...

Talk you guys later...(Gotta go put the electricity in my name!)

Blank

2007-05-28T00:50:00.001-05:00

Sorry guys....I'm at a total blank right now...when I have something to say - I'll be back...until then, check out the Indian commercials my friend Priya sent me out of sheer boredom...lol....

Babies, Babies Everywhere

2007-05-20T10:09:00.001-05:00

I am SURROUNDED by babies. Not children. Babies. And/or expectant mothers. My neighbor, whose oldest child is 27 just had a baby. My cousin who just hit 40 is having a baby. Two of my friends just had the cutest little boys a couple of months ago. My (redacted) is about to have a baby. Like dude - is it baby season or what???

They are adorable - but make realize that I am NOT ready for one...the work - crying, holding, changing, needing your complete attention...I am not ready. Give me a couple years - then I might be in a better mood...lol...

Road Rage

2007-05-17T22:48:00.000-05:00

Okay - the MOST hilarious thing happened today. So, I'm driving to my doctor's appointment, chatting on the phone with my sister. I get to my exit - which is kinda strange - it merges with another street on the right. Anyway, there was another person coming up in this red truck with his indicator on - apparently trying to merge left while I was trying to merge right. And me, being the wonderfully polite person I am, decide to slow down and let him over.

Well, who told me to do that??? Next thing I know this dude stops immediately to my right blocking traffic and starts yelling at me. I'm surprised and like "what the hell?". Couldn't tell if it was a he or a she with a really bad mullet. But whatever...I keep on exiting. Dude pulls up behind me at the light and gets out of his car, yelliing some more. I'm still on the phone, roll my eyes and make sure that I lock my doors.

Anyway, long story short - I'm moseying along and he comes up besides me rolls down his window and gives me the most hilarious and extra "F you" I've EVER seen! Like his hand is totally extended and vibrating in his anger and his mouth opens like some aggravated wild boar.

So, what do I do? Do I return the finger, keep driving and ignore him? No. I pull up next to him and roll down my window. As I open my mouth, he screams "Why are you rolling down your window/pulling up to me", or some other variation - and I say - get this -

"I'm sorry. I thought you were changing lanes." As I shrug my shoulders, look on sadly with wide eyes, and wave contritely. You should've seen the look on this guys face. Classic. "Oh" - and a wave and he's off.

Alright - so I can't really describe it...but take my word - it was hella funny...

It's always so satisfying to "pour hot coals of fire on people's head"...lol...they usually feel like idiots... :O)

Live Passionately

2007-05-16T20:49:00.000-05:00

Work like you don't need money. Love like you've never been hurt. And dance like no one's watching.

Okay - I know that I have to stop these morose posts...so here's the thing: a play cousin was supposed to get married this weekend. His fiance was graduating from med school this Saturday and the wedding was slated for Sunday. Well, her father just died of a heart attack today - totally unexpected. And to top it off, almost a couple hours later, one of her bridesmaids got hit by a semi on her way to the wedding and was killed instantly.

So - remember those lines in Hitch - Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.

Enjoy it!

You vs Me: Two Sides to Every Story

2007-05-14T01:39:00.000-05:00

You know how you can’t ever tell someone something without making yourself look like the “good guy”? Why is that?

Even when I purposely try to take full responsibility and state my faults upfront I still end up appearing more genuine or mature than the other person. When deep down I know that is exactly how I want to come across. I want to be validated by whomever I’m talking to. And – if I state my faults first they are usually less likely to surprise and/or hurt me with their opinions of a situation. Either way – I seem in control and emotionally healthy. What is that all about anyway? Am I just so analytical and competitive that I have to see all angles of an issue before I talk about it???

Is it possible to truly denounce yourself? Or is it just a power trip? Knowing that by appearing to have truly thought an issue out and taking responsibility for your “not so good” actions that people in turn assume that you are admirable. (If you can unravel my meaning out of that last sentence please explain it to me). Or is this just me taking things too far?

I'm Back...

2007-05-09T14:49:00.000-05:00

Hey all,

As some of you know I was in "The City" for a bit. It was great. The weather was absolutely gorgeous - not too hot, not too cold - just that middle of the road, gotta be outside weather.

I was there for a friends graduation. It was loooong and quite boring for the most part, but it did have some good parts...the main speaker was a guy named Larry Silverstein. An apparent billionaire who owns probably half of the city along with Trump. I guess he was the founder of the Masters in Real Estate at NYU - and he was/is the leaseholder for the WTC...yada yada yada...

Clearly, I never heard of him before their commencement, but his message was inspiring...and after reading the comments on my last post - I decided to share my newfound ...da da dadum...wait for it -----

OPTIMISM!

Lol...he talked about success and work ethic and how crucial it is to keep moving forward and being an optimist. Then he said something that felt like it was directed solely for me - He said, that the main thing that will hold you back and stop you from coming forward is - Cynicism...lol...yup, cyncism.

That cynics rarely are truly successful/happy with their lives because they are constantly complaining and masking it as reality. In his viewpoint, cynics can never be leaders because they have no message to give - just limitations. Well, that really hit home. Even my friend who was graduating said she thought of me when he made those remarks.

So, I'm announcing it here. I am doing my best to see the positive and live a more relaxed life. Of course, I don't think change comes over night, but I'm gonna do my best! (See extra exclamation points - I'm starting to the process already!) lol...

Show Me

2007-05-02T23:13:00.000-05:00

(sigh) So I just got home and checked my email - I've been doing it almost incessantly while I'm waiting to hear back from some lenders - and anyway, I saw an email from the John Legend site....

Yes. I am in love with John. Particulary after seeing and hearing in concert. He's absolutely fabulous - and any naysayers can keep their opinion to themselves!

Okay - back to my story. I opened his site and saw a link to this which he spoke about during his concert. Here's the thing - it's incredibly moving, but I don't feel the same way I used to when I look at the pictures. It's beyond sad really.

I remember when I first started my graduate program I was so excited that I was going to change the world and make an enormous difference to hundreds of thousands lives. Eradicate poverty. Feed the hungry. Clothe the naked. Heal the sick. Alright, so I had a bit of a God-complex. But I was ready. Ready to do my part. Get in there and help out those in need.

My friends and I used to talk about the Chair of our department at the time. How she was so removed from the field and had lost her compassion. She had this hardened edge about her. She'd been doing global health work for about 30 years at the time. Extremely knowledgeable, but just, I don't know - hard.

I'm getting to my point - I promise. The thing is, after being in that program for a while - traveling to developing countries - learning and seeing the preventable poverty and unnecessary deaths - left me almost broken. I had an extremely hard time coping. As a result, I built up some sort of callous outlook. A numbness really. Knowing that no matter how much some individuals do - it's always going to be like this. Always going to be the rich versus the poor. The haves and the have-nots.

Sure - I can spout the altruistic notions of all of us working together and getting along - but it's not reality. We're out to take care of ourselves. Our loved ones. If we can help others on the way - great! But, usually not if it directly interferes with or takes away our needs, or wants. Which is why I do understand the human need for something more. A perfect afterlife - where all this corruption and hatred don't exist. I get it.

And now - I've almost completely gone of topic. My point is - that professor? I get her now too. It's not a pretty thing when idealism and naivete clash with reality. The problem is finding a balance. Not stopping because of all the depressing and horrendous things in the world, but moving forward regardless. Knowing that even if it's small, you made a difference in someones life.

Check out Vonumu International. It's a terrific and totally inexpensive way to help eduate some kids. And yes - they are reputable. One of my good friends knows them personally and they send you updates and information all the time...

Night all...

Dramamine

2007-05-01T11:47:00.000-05:00

So, I realized yesterday that I get motion sickness. I knew that I had a slight case before on the winding roads of Madagascar (don't you love the sneaky way I put that in there?) - but I thought it was a one time thing.

So the idea of getting into a tiny Cessna with my mom and dad didn't faze me one bit. My dad recently got his pilot's license and was anxious to show us his skills by taking us for lunch in Fort Collins. Uh - for clarification purposes - Fort Collins is maybe a 2 to 3 hour drive from where we live - and I could be exaggerating greatly, but the point is we don't usually go there.

Anyway, going up wasn't frightening at all. It was a beautifully clear day and I could see how extremely flat Colorado is. Honestly, I was more concerned for my mom who is afraid of heights! Long story short - after maybe ten minutes of being bumped in the wind, I started sweating profusely and feeling like I wanted to throw up. I ended up putting back my seat, tuning out the radio and going to sleep. I woke up just as we were about to land.

The moral of the story? There is none. Next time I'll just take some Dramamine...

By the by, (what the hell does that mean???) in case you wanted to laugh or be offended - check this out...

Social Conditioning

2007-04-28T09:41:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about how we are taught from birth what is acceptable and what isn’t. It came from a jumble of assorted things this week – including religion, my friend who just had a baby, and another interesting book I’m reading. And it dawned on me that almost everything we do is based on fear. Fear of not being accepted or gaining approval from our family, friends, and wider community.

The child learns that when it (sorry, the he/she thing is too cumbersome) puts its toys away they get an ensuing smile or pat on the back from the parents – and in some cases maybe even a gift, candy, etc… But if that same child throws food across the room or toys at someone’s head – they are punished – whether it’s as small as a frown, timeout, or a spanking.

This never stops. As we get older we usually conform to societal norms or rebel against them. Either way – we are still being controlled.

Anywho, I’ve been on this different mental tip for a while. It started with religion – recognizing that almost all major religions are based on being rewarded in the end. Basically, if I do A, B and C then I will get to heaven, paradise, nirvana, absolute peace, whatever it is – but if I don’t then I’m going to suffer and be completely miserable. Not saying some of the morals and values inherent in religion are bad, but the motivating force between the “organized” group is to scare people. Is it because that’s what we respond to? That if there were no “good” or “bad”, “heaven” or “hell” we wouldn’t be able to operate???

Just trying to recognize the real reason I do stuff – for me or other people?

Something to think about…

Credit, FICO and other Scores...

2007-04-27T13:42:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the delay - I'll post something more substantial later, but just wanted to say that my credit score went up 30 points in less than a month - just by paying off my credit card!!!! Yippeeee!!!

Okay, so I'm a bit of a dork - but now I can get my place with 100% financing!!!! I wish they stressed how important credit was when I was younger....

Alright - I'm off to get my beauty treatments :O)!

Emotionally Stunted?

2007-04-25T11:53:00.000-05:00

Only 15 percent of Americans admit to letting their feelings out often although 80 percent believe it’s healthy to do so. Letting it Out in America

Okay - so I have a problem. Again. I've realized that I don't grieve appropriately. Huh?

Let me explain. When things happen (sad, bad or unfortunate things) in my life or in the people I love I tend to mentally/emotionally disassociate. I'm there in person, but I'm not really there. I comfort and support, listen and talk, but I don't allow my true emotions out. And then - maybe a week or month later I feel overwhelmed and breakdown crying - usually in my car.

I've talked to countless friends and family about this and all, including myself, agree that I need to be more honest with feelings and not hold back. My question is how???? I always feel that my feelings are inconsequential when compared to some of the things they are going through - and that once again, I need to be the strong one. And yet, I know that I have to deal with things to be healthy as well....sigh...I need to learn how to let go. I've gotten better in my communication thing, but still not letting the emotions show.

Just kinda impassive until I'm alone. Hmmmm...any advice?

Door to Door Salespeople

2007-04-24T12:04:00.000-05:00

Alright - so I may be a little naive or better yet, guilty. Two minority sales people came to my door yesterday - a male and a female. They were spouting the regular sales pitch, except that this was supposedly for helping the Inner City Youth. They showed me some papers in those plastic covers saying that they were bonafide independent contractors for a magazine service called Worldwide Reader Services based in Miami. Blah, blah, blah...

I was in a giving mood so I listened, plus they looked like they could use the help! But I didn't want any mags so I said I'd make a donation. I wrote two checks to the organization and gave it to them. After they left I mentally kicked myself - so I ran to my trusty laptop to look up the organization - but I only found one thing from google...so, I'm a bit worried. However, I felt good because I was supposed to send some books to my boys in India, but felt a bit lazy and didn't. This made me feel like I was a still a good person, etc...

Anyway, long story short - was I taken? Anyone else heard about this organization?? Should I make a stop payment on my checks???

My people, my people....

Tag - Your It!

2007-04-22T23:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I've never done this before - but I've been tagged by Vixen to do the Gotta Get Goals Challenge so here it is....

Gotta Get Goals

1) Self-actualization. I want to fully know myself and grow to my full potential at each stage of life. I want to be completely happy and satisfied with my growth, and be more accepting to others in their growth. Not afraid of my defects and faults but accepting of them, and knowing that I can change. I can improve. I don’t have to stay the way I am. Above all, I want to be at peace – mentally, emotionally – being the best “me” I can be.

3) Family. I love and adore my family and I want my own. I want to be an AMAZING daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, friend, wife and mother. I want a husband, children and a wonderful home. Somewhere filled with love and warmth – a place where guests always feel welcome and comfortable. I want to learn to cook all sort of meals and do it regularly – to host and entertain – to take my children and their friends to games and plays, etc… To leave the kids with the grandparents, aunt or my cousins for a bit while I whisk the husband away on a sensual and adventure filled trip.

2) Spontaneous. I need to increase my spontaneity. I find that as I get older I get more anxious and controlling. I don’t want to be bogged down too much by being “responsible”. Life’s too short. I want to be able to easily say “yes” without putting too much thought into it. To go with the flow some more and relax and enjoy my time here. I want to sing and dance in the rain more. To skip down the street in my slippers. To sing off-key as loud as I want. To dance like no ones watching. To fly somewhere for the weekend – just because.

3) Philanthropist. Which of course means that I want to be more than wealthy! I want to have enough money to aid those in need. Whether it is my fam, friends, or strangers. Most of all, I want my money to help educate others – particularly in developing countries. Besides doing my part to eradicate poverty and hunger I want to give children, who otherwise wouldn’t have it, a chance at something better. I want to open up opportunities for the hopeless and marginalized. Education for the underserved communities out there struggling to survive. More than giving food or clothing I want to give hope. Hope that tomorrow can be better. That their children can do more and have more than themselves. That all is not lost. That though life has its depressing moments its filled with beautiful ones.

4) Frequent Traveler. I absolutely ADORE traveling!!! I love to see new places and learn about different cultures. There is something about our differences and yet many similarities that totally invigorates me. I want to be able to jet off to any country for a week without stressing about the job or money, etc…. Just get away and experience something different. I thrive on change and new experiences.

5) Author and Speaker. I’ve been reading and writing ever since I can remember. Reading was always a wonderful escape for me, especially those wonderful Garwood and McNaught novels, as Vixen can attest! As for the writing, it was always more personal. I had a hard time sharing – wondering if others would “get” what I was trying to say, if they’d appreciate it or like it. But, I’ve finally come to the place where I write regardless of approval or accolades. I want to be honest in what I’m feeling and give a voice to those who don’t feel like they can share the same/similar sentiments. But I also want to motivate and encourage in my writing and speaking – just letting others know that whatever it is, none of us are alone.

6) Guitar. I want to master the guitar! I’ve had one since I was twelve but never continued my lessons after my first year. I want to get to the point where I can just pick it up and play. No more struggling with bar chords and strumming techniques. I want to be so good that it just flows…like this guy (I shamelessly took this from Metheus)

7) Consistency. I want – no I NEED to learn some follow-through. There are certain things in work and academia that I have no problem finishing, but in other aspects of my life I get to a certain point and then stop. Procrastination for absolutely no reason. I want to be known for my commitment and ability to stick with something all the way – whether it is a project or a relationship.

8) Happiness. I want a world where we all operate of love and respect for one another. There’s so much unnecessary pain and anguish in the world. I want everyone to be able to experience as much happiness as possible – so that they can perpetuate it and give their joy the coming generations. I want a place where if we see or sense each other hurting we reach out and connect with each other – sharing, crying, and laughing together. So that no one feels alone.

Those are my top 8! Hmmmm.....now I'm gonna tag the following:

Counselor in Cultivation
My Metheus
Priya
Disjointed Wavelengths
Keeping Up Appearances
(Maybe this will encourage the last two to actually blog again!)

Love and All that Jazz...

2007-04-18T12:08:00.000-05:00

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."- Robert Frost

I'm in a kind of melancholy mood..."waxing romantic" I guess...

It's difficult being single sometimes...the lonliness can be stifling...sometimes I just want to lean on someone physically and emotionally...not always having to be so "strong" and seem like I have a everything together...quite frankly, I don't...

Plus, I've realized that I have to stop calling my guy friends when I'm in this sort of mood...it doesn't help things at all...I've already gotten myself into trouble talking to male friends when I'm emotional...lol...

So, I just have to take a deep breath, wait a few moments till the intenseness (word?) of the feeling passes and move on...

In Memoriam...

2007-04-17T11:06:00.000-05:00

I was traveling yesterday, and didn't hear till I got back to Denver...I can't fathom the pain and confusion that everyone involved is going through...

Lakers vs Nuggets

2007-04-10T12:32:00.000-05:00

So last night I went to the Pepsi Center with three friends to see the Lakers play the Denver Nuggets...and though I do live in Denver now, I wasn't sure who I was going to root for...

Hilarious thing - everytime that Kobe touched the ball, the whole stadium erupted into BOOOS....everytime! LOL - it cracked me up...I even found myself feeling a little sorry for the guy...

Anyway, the Nuggets won - 114 to 111...very close game...actually, they would of lost if Kobe wasn't so intimidated by the crowd - he took at least 20 shots and only made like 7...lol...he did not bring his A-game...according to the announcer - the Lakers couldn't handle the 5,280 Altitude!

I love that AI, Camby and Melo are on the same team...but they really need to work on some stuff...this is their second time beating the Lakers, but they could do SOOOO much better...

GO NUGS!!! :O)

Facing Reality

2007-04-09T01:25:00.000-05:00

Peeling Back the Layers

2007-04-04T23:57:00.000-05:00

So, I'm re-reading this amazing book called "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?" It talks about our fears as humans, methods of ego-defense and the likes. Basically, it's about personal growth. It's interesting, 'cause I just wrote this about a week ago:

You know how the things you are usually most angry about, are the characteristics that you portray the most? Why is that? It’s irritating. I’ve realized that I tend to see the world negatively and in a cynical light rather than a positive one. It’s something I’ve been aware about for some time now. Years even.

The problem with this is that I automatically assume that people’s motivations are inherently selfish. After all, we all want to take care of ourselves, right? Or is it? There is another school of thought that adheres to the belief that people are relatively good.

Is it because my naiveté and idealism has been crushed by reality? And now I’m almost completely jaded? Of course, I cover it up with being “realistic”, but how can I truly be happy if I’m always seeing the bad instead of the good?

I guess I'm just "projecting" my negativity on others....lol...I'm the selfish one! Honestly, this is a FABULOUS book that EVERYONE should read. It's totally short, clear and brutally honest in its assesment!

In other news, I'm going to law school!!!!! YIPPEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol...I know, I know...I just got a little excited thinking about it :O) And Nashville no longer sounds like a bummer - especially since they have like 5 universities in the area...oh, and did I mention that Vandy is now ranked #16 in the nation - right under UCLA - so no more wondering about moving anywhere else....

Here's hoping the men are attractive and plentiful!

April Fools

2007-04-02T09:14:00.000-05:00

So, I was writing about the extremely emotionally charged Sunday I had, but the jokes on me. I got really angry about a misunderstanding, and on deeper inspection realized it had nothing to do with “the situation”, but totally with me. And on even further analysis, I realized that though I thought I’ve dealt with a particular issue, I still have a lot of anger, and yes, even resentment, towards “them”. They who will remain nameless…lol…

Thing is, I put myself in a position to be the emotional bulwark – rock if you will. I tried being supportive and listening, etc…. all the while, acknowledging my own hurt, but not the extent of my anger. I justified my behavior by saying it had nothing to do with it. And in essence, it doesn’t – but in reality, it does affect me. Greatly. For better or worse.

I realize that I’m still in “protect” mode. And I lashed out because I was unable to openly express my feelings earlier, out of respect and their wishes. It upset me. Almost like I wasn’t supposed to work it out on my own. I know that they had to work it out first. So, I kept as quiet as possible. But then that long absence exacerbated my angst. Plus, everything seemed to fall apart immediately. I was stressed. And angry that I had to deal with their stuff. Once again, I had to hold it all together. But, I was going crazy. Having an anxiety attack at least once every two weeks.

In retrospect, I am aware that I chose to take that position. It wasn’t necessary. I chalk it up to my “peacemaker”, “people-pleaser” personality.

The wonderful thing is that since my “outburst” – they’ve been extremely supportive. Letting me do my thing. But I still feel a twinge of guilt when I see how sorry he is…and I guess we need to talk again…

The Last King of Scotland

2007-04-01T19:54:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching “The Last King of Scotland” with my dad. Wow. To say I’m disturbed is a huge understatement. Not just because of the depiction of Idi Amin, but because of the cycle of violence often found in some African countries.

It’s sad because while the Western world has in large part dealt with the growing pains of violence and establishing laws and regulations, these countries are still fighting for independence and control. And because we – and when I say “we”, I mean the so-called “civilized” world – have already attained what they are fighting to have, we can’t allow the violence to go unchecked.

The unfortunate thing is that I truly think the men in power start off with good ideas. They want what’s best for the country, etc… However, once they realize the dangers of being in such a position they fight back and lose sight of their goals. Obviously, this is only my opinion, and things are much more complex than that – but where is the solution? How do encourage people to embrace democracy and other “enlightened” ideas when they are hungry? Dying from preventable communicable diseases? Fleeing for their lives?

There is such a wealth of understandable anger and hatred. Can it be solved?

Music City

2007-03-30T00:23:00.000-05:00

So, I am almost 100% positive that I'll be moving to Nashville in the coming months...and actually, I'm getting more excited. At first I was totally bummed - back to the South! lol...but I'm sure Vandy will be great. Plus, I already have friends in the area - so all is not lost...!

Red Bull Gives You Wings!

2007-03-15T22:25:00.000-05:00

Ummm....I just a saw a red bull commercial and just cracked up - the one with the daschund and great dane looking dog...utterly hilarious!! So anyway I was looking for it online to post and show you guys, BUT I couldn't find it...this is what came up instead -

http://www.haloxl.com/redbull.html

I almost gagged and laughed at the same time....

Let the Sunshine In!!!

2007-03-12T21:13:00.000-05:00

So, I’ve realized that my moods (almost) directly correlate with the weather. Since the weather here has been improving, I’ve been feeling better and better!! Today was absolutely gorgeous – about 70 degrees outside. Not too hot and not too cold…went to the park and just relaxed for a couple hours.

By the way, this place is perfect! I would stay here in a heartbeat if there was a little more diversity. (sigh). Still thinking about buying a condo or something here though – they’re going up everywhere. Plus, the DNC is coming here next year! Should be interesting.

What is that thing called? SAD – seasonal affective disorder??? I think that’s it…anyway, good weather and being outdoors definitely rejuvenates me…just thought you’d want to know :O)

Oh, and I saw 300! Great movie - plenty of action and rock hard eye-candy. Little strange - weird looking creatures and all, but wonderful flick...

Bill, Al and G'Dubya

2007-02-20T12:32:00.000-06:00

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun.

After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance.

He said, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned: if you say something FALSE, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Bill Clinton stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of us three," and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

Al Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most aware of the environmental problems of us three," and in an instant, he was surrounded a pile of money to fund his next Presidential Campaign.

Excited over the possibility of finally having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said: “I think...," and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

Women Marry Up, Men Marry Down

2007-02-16T21:31:00.000-06:00

Apparently, this is a well-known fact that I just learned about. It makes sense actually. Complete sense. Here’s how it came about – so I was discussing with some of my friends (male and female) about why certain well-educated men seem to end up with less educated women. In truth, we were talking about people we know and what this phenomenon is about.

I remember being slightly younger, and having women a couple of years older than me look at me in disgust as the taker of “their men”. I, and women like me, was dating the guys there age who were leaving them out in the cold. I thought it was funny – obviously I was offering these men something they were not getting from their peers. But now I find myself understanding those same women’s concerns!

Ironically, I generally can’t take men my age or even a couple years older seriously. However, I am seeing it for myself more and more. Highly intelligent and successful men dating women whose ambition and “station” (I know – totally snobbish) in life, is decidedly below their own. But now I get it.

Women marry up and men marry down. I’m still trying to figure out all the reasons that this statement is true. Of course, it’s not absolute, but there tend to be few exceptions. The usual occurrence is that a woman marries a man a couple of years older than herself. Is it because we mature faster? Is it because we find it easier to respect a man older than ourselves? Do men do it, simply because the younger woman is more pliable and willing to please them? Is because they don’t want to feel threatened by their wife’s intelligence? Or is there some other factor that I’m overlooking?

Please – help me out here – I need some feedback.

Party All the Time

2007-02-11T03:50:00.000-06:00

Title's a little homage to Eddie Murphy...lol... By the way, I hope that you've seen Dreamgirls by now!! If you haven't then stop reading my post and go see the movie!

Okay, anyway - went to a party tonight - hosted by the organization called ICOF. It has a website, etc...but I don't remember what it is...basically, it's non-profit geared towards helping women and children in developing countries. Very young organization who raises money by charging donations. Yup, you heard me right - they charge a donation to enter the party.

(yawn) I'm tired. So, just thought it was interesting that no matter what party I go to - it's always the same. House/apartment parties, etc... people lined up on the wall or seating on the couches until some brave soul starts dancing and slowly others join. Then, the shyness steps in and back on the couch/wall - over and over again.I say this, because I know. I am that person who will not dance unless a whole bunch of other people are dancing too.

My sister, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. She'll dance by herself. She'll take me in the middle of the dance floor and try to dance with me while people gather around. She’ll twirl around me. Press us up on me and dance her behind off. Which is exactly what she did. The brat. Then of course, guys thought it was open season on me - I was finally off the couch and didn't ask just assumed....etc....

Look, I like dancing. I do. I'm just totally self-conscious - and if I don't know you and you are trying to jook me - uh....do you really think I'm gonna get more comfortable and loosen up? No. And no again.

Addictions are BAD!

2007-02-09T15:10:00.000-06:00

Ummm....so my latest obsession has been this TLS (Top Law Schools) website - here's my blog if you're interested...I still haven't been posting a lot, but it's short and sweet - you have to scroll all the way down and then make you're way up...

http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/tls3431.html

Later!

Work, Work and More Work

2007-02-07T22:32:00.000-06:00

Okay - gotta interrupt the law thingy to vent about employees!!! Where is the work ethic? If you're gonna quit your job can you give your boss a "head's up"? Some type of warning perhaps??? Is that too much to ask? Unless you're fired - there is no reason to just not show up, or not even tell anyone....

Hello???? Anyone home? First off, not only are you not going to get any sort of recommendation from your previous employer and your former co-workers (who are/were supposedly you're friend) are going to feel a certain amount of angst because of their increased workload...

Quite frankly it sucks. Do what you gotta do - but just give some warning. No wonder good people get burnt out - they're overworked and exhausted making up for all the immature losers out there...

(big sigh) In the long run, great for the company - we don't need people bringing down the morale - but short term - as Mr Knightley would say " Badly done (Emma). Badly done".

'Nother Race Post...

2007-01-31T23:58:00.000-06:00

Alright. So, I said that I would talk about the AA thingy. But before I did – I decided to browse some of these forums and see what they had to say…

Well, they said a WHOLE lot. So, instead of reviving a dead horse – I will say this: You know what one of my biggest pet peeves is???? (Don’t even know if that’s grammatically correct)

People who assume that skin color equals cultural equivalency!!! It’s one of the most irritating things I hear. Especially, the whole “can’t YOU ALL just get along.

Let me start by saying – all Asians are NOT Chinese, all Latinos are NOT Mexican, all blacks are NOT African-American, and all whites are NOT wealthy and spoiled! LOL – though they are in the majority

This applies to all of us. We each have stupid stereotypes about each other based on tradition, personal experience, etc….Frankly, I don’t care. Just don’t assume. Period.

Everyone is different and comes from different backgrounds. You don’t know me. You may think you have insight because of some facts I share – but unless you are an intimate friend or family member please do not have the unmitigated gall to [ASS]UME anything.

And hey, guess what? Life is unfair. Affirmative Action is a bandaid trying to hold a larger infection at bay. And, it’s not based solely on race either. I’ve heard Adcomms say that the greatest beneficiary of it has been white women. Could be right or wrong. I don’t know.

You know what? I was totally obsessing about placement and prestige, etc…but when it comes down to it – wherever I end up will be where I’m supposed to be. Like I said before, I have few to none serious regrets. Each experience is a learning experience that helps me grow into a better person.

You know what I loved most about my graduate program? That out of a small class of 40 students, we had different cultures, languages and experiences. The great part? We TALKED about them in detail. Laughed. Joked. And realized that we are now ADULTS who don’t need to accept previous generations’ viewpoints. When it comes down to it, it’s all ignorance anyway.

I had one grandmother warn me about those “deceitful Indians” while the other’s Mom was straight from Delhi. Grew up hearing that I should never, ever, ever, ever date a Jamaican, Haitian, or any man from the continent of Africa. Why? Cultural differences and negative encounters. But, perspectives and past experiences aren’t always indicative of truth.

So, what am I trying to say ultimately? We all have biases and prejudices rooted in a variety of things – be aware of them and don’t let them shape your choices.

Whew. Okay – done preaching.

Oh - and for the record - I have now been accepted to American University in DC - forget Miami...lol..!

AA – Perspectives from a Slightly Uncomfortable URM

2007-01-28T22:22:00.001-06:00

If you don’t know URM stands for Underrepresented Minority in the law admissions/school realm. Frankly, I had no idea – but being one have been bombarded with the term since I started this getting into law school process.

Here’s my dilemma – my LSAT (Law School Admission Test) score and undergrad GPA are not extremely high. I only scored in the xth percentile for the test, and my LSDAS GPA was a x.x. My only saving factor for my GPA was the fact that I graduated magna cum laude from my alma mater (is that how you spell it?) – BUT the LSDAS GPA also factors in my freshman year!!!

Well, for the record – freshman year was more than abysmal – I went from a 2.3 to 3.3 – which became a 2.7 average. Yeah – not at all pretty. Anywho, compared to the majority of applicants – mainstream white male – my scores are average. However, the majority of black applicants allegedly only score in the 20th percentile!

Actually, my score was in the top 5% of all scores for applicants in my ugrad – which clearly works in my favor.

Okay, numbers aside – Law schools typically admit URM student with lower scores to increase their diversity. It’s been a huge controversy – U of Michigan just lost the ability to do so on constitutional grounds, but private institutions still have the ability to make their own decisions. Since the majority of top schools are private affirmative action is still alive and well.

So, I’ve said all of that to say – I don’t know how I feel about the issue. On one hand, I recognize that all it does is get a student, who may not have “legacy” privileges or other connections into a school – the rest is up to them. On the other hand, should I really just get a hand up just because of my skin color?

Obviously, there are a lot more factors that go into it – but, what do you think?